


The Fragile Vanguard

by TheMadDesperado



Series: Kesta's Thedas [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff, Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, Modern Girl in Thedas, Novelization, Probably enough to be considered alchol abuse, Slow Burn, Swearing, i guess there is a little?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-09-03 03:07:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 83,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16754869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMadDesperado/pseuds/TheMadDesperado
Summary: Kesta was just an average woman, working two jobs and barley scraping by. She was completely normal that is until she wakes up in a cell in a room she doesn't recognize.She finds herself in a frighteningly strange world that is so different from her own. Not only is she somewhere strange and far from home, she has a mark on her hand that matches the eerie green hole in the sky.





	1. What the hell is happening?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited 1 25 19,
> 
> !

It felt as though I was frozen solid, a giant human ice cube in a lake, floating arround in nothingness.

Maybe this was death?

I couldn't move, I couldn't see, I couldn't actually feel. Was this the end, truly? Did you just sit in the ground unable to do anything-feel anything-for all eternity? I was still thinking though, so I couldn't really be dead, could I?

I don't know how long I sat in limbo-that's what I’ll call it-but something started to happen, something started to call to me.

It brought feeling back to my body in one moment, In one rushing pulsing static thrum that emanated from my hand. Electric fire coursed through my veins and all at once I was alive again.

The lids of my eyes were heavy, like I had been sleeping for centuries. I peered out into the darkness, not seeing much other than thick stone walls, and wait were those torches?

The rush of fear hit me with a big wave and I tried to lift my arms, but they were encased in heavy metal stocks. The rest of the small cell was lined with thick grey blocks and a barred door. Great, I was probably knocked out on my way home from work and chained me up in someones basement.

I let my eyes drift, having nothing to really look at since the cell door just faced another wall of the same grey bricks, they traveled all along the metal stocks that held my hands both together and away from each other, there was no way I could even make a dent in them, I’d more likely hurt myself than the stocks.

A flicker of light caught my attention, I turned my left palm over and a green light was just there stuck in my hand.

if my hands were not bound I would have tried to fling the green light off of my hand, but the metal binding me held fast and firm.

I rubbed my palms into the stone under my knees, hoping against hope that whatever was on my hand was just a figment of my imagination. A shaky breath was all that I could exhale, it was probably nothing, just my eyes playing tricks on me.

I turned my left palm over once more and a small whimper escaped my lips when the glow presented itself. I would look this time, I had never been squeamish when it came to wounds, and I wouldn't start now. 

With trepidation I brought my hand closer, the green light was close to blinding as it swirled in neat concise circles. I wanted to touch it, feel how my hand felt with it, but the damned stocks held my hands from touching.

I stared at the... the thing in my hand for only a second more before dropping my hands to the ground once more. Tears began to well up in my eyes as I stared at the bars and all I could think was what the fuck is going on?

The tears spilt when pain radiated through my hand, burning and stinging like static or lightning, my hand wasn't on fire but it burned. This thing was real, and all of this was real as well. The pulses built bringing waves of static fire through my veins, but they eased almost as fast as they started. It was like cursed fiberglass, stuck in me with a vengeance.

Tears streamed down my face, I didn't do anything to stop them though, this was very real, and whatever this was wherever I was, one thing was for certain. I was not dreaming.

Somewhere beyond the limited gaze of my cell door I heard a door slam so hard it hit the wall behind it. I tried desperately to blink the fresh tears forming away but they were a broken dam, flooding in rivers down my face the faster I blinked. 

The footsteps that approached were fast and hard, each step echoed and thudded as the stranger kept getting closer and closer.

Two strange women stood before the cell door, glares evident on each of their faces. That was not the strange part though, one woman seemed to wear what looked almost like a robe or hooded dress, the other was wearing a full suit of armor-minus the helmet-and a sword was held in her grip. She sheathed the weapon and approached barred door.

"Tell me, why shouldn't I kill you now?" If a phrase could turn blood to ice it was that one. The words were spoken deliberately slow and laced with poison, her accent not one I had ever heard before. I could only stare at the woman as she began to speak again. 

"Tell me why you were at the conclave?" Her voice rose in anger as she spoke, every word getting harsher as she spoke.

She opened the cell door slowly, and entered, "How did you cause the Breach?" This question was deadly quiet, and I still had no answers for either her or me.

The glare in her stormy eyes changed to barely restrained to full blown rage within seconds. She lunged and yanked me by the collar of my old red uniform.

She was so close that I could see the scars on her face and the hairs of her eyebrows. Involuntarily I let out a pathetic whimper of fear and the tears that had a small reprieve were running back down my face once more.

"Tell me what you know!" Small flecks of spit flecked my face as she yelled into my face, I tried to hold back the small sobs that wracked through me as the powerful woman held me, but my shoulders shook and the tears fell but she still held me. 

Her eyes were like storm clouds over the ocean moments before lightning struck the waters below and I did not want to be those waters.

"I-I don't know!" I stuttered and my voice wasn't above a whisper but the woman above me heard, though it seemed that I did not convince her of my innocence.

"I really don't know anything, h-honestly, I don't even know where I am, or what a conclave is." I rushed it out, trying without succeeding at changing her expression from murderous to anything else, but it stayed and so did her grip on my shirt. I was going to get eaten alive.

Without warning she shook me so hard I felt my teeth slam together and my eyes burned from the new tears stinging my eyes. "You're lying!"

I closed my eyes as she began to shake me again, with her voice growling and my eyes closed I could almost imagine she was a bear, and maybe if I squeezed my eyes hard enough together the world around me would cease and I would wake up on the couch like always and all that would be wrong with my hand would be a bee sting, anything but the reality that surrounded me.

The fantasy ended a second later as I tumbled back to the cold ground, my eyes opened wide and I stared as the other woman started to speak. "Stop, Cassandra we need her." 

The shiver that ran down my spine was unexpected from the softer woman, her calculating air was just as terrifying as the one of power that was from 'Cassandra'. I had hoped that the other woman would be understanding but it seemed my last hope was just corrupted.

The second woman turned to stare straight into my eyes, and probably into my soul, like the piercing gaze of a hawk, almost unblinking in her silent assessment. 

Her gaze held no kindness for me, even if her face was a mask of calm serenity her eyes were hard and held as much rage as Cassandras, The second woman turned back and spoke to the only other person in the small room in such a hush all I could here was muttering.

All in one moment though everything was erased from my conscious. Another pulse like the first came pounding and rushing like a waterfall in a downpour. Static pins and burns filled more of my hand ripping and tearing, there was something I couldn't even fathom in my hand. It was as if my blood was replaced with lightning.

I clenched my hand into a fist, but then let go instantly, what if the green mark spread to my fingers? With that thought I lost all desire to ever touch my left hand again. My right hand formed a fist instead, clenched so tight that blood was drawn in crescents.

This time the pulse didn't slowly fade it just stopped, everything silent but for the panting of my breath. I hadn't realized before now how cold I was, but the last attack brought on a sheen of sweat that caught cold air like a magnet.

I had only worn my uniform home from work, a short sleeved polo and slacks. I wished now that I had worn the jacket like the weatherman said, even if I didn't need it back home, I needed it here. 

I looked back up at the two women in the cell with me, to find that Cassandra was the only one now, the other must have left during the attack.

She was watching me, her storm eyes affixed to the mark on my hand, but they began to rove all over me, questioning, gathering and judging. I watched, her appraise me for only a moment more because after that she began to approach once more. 

This time she was slower, more wary, she must be afraid to touch the green mark the same as me. I wondered if it looked different during the pulses.

She was in front of me once more, this time crouched to almost my eye level, she stared me directly in the eyes, but not in the angry way she did earlier, unfaltering. Maybe I could ask a question of her.

"Do you know where we are?" The shake was still in my voice but she could hear me.

"This is Haven, a village just outside the Temple of Sacred Ashes." Haven? The Temple of Sacred Ashes? my face must have showed some distress since Cassandra stayed perfectly still and quiet, awaiting my next question.

"Where..." I cleared my throat in the vain hope that it would calm my nerves or stop the stuttering that kept working its way through. "Where is Haven?"

I watched as Cassandra's brow furrowed as she broke eye contact to stare at the mark on my hand for only a second and returned her storm to my eyes, this time filled with confusion.

"Truly, you do not know?" Her voice was hushed, I got the feeling she was dreading my answer to this question as much as I was to give it.

"Really, I have no idea where that is." My answer was even quieter than her hushed query. Cassandra let out a deep sigh and slumped her shoulders a fraction before she righted herself, and began again.

"Haven is in Ferelden, near the Frostback Mountains in southern Thedas." I couldn't keep my jaw from dropping, but I quickly closed it and felt the sting of tears once more careening down my face, but I didn't try to hide them. That was my last hope.

"Have you heard of any of those places?" Her voice was soft, with a lilt of concern that caused a choked chuckle/sob to whoosh out of me. With a shake of my head she let out a sigh, and closed her eyes for a moment before asking another kind question. "Do you think it may be amnesia?" 

For one moment I thought to say yes, I’m an amnesiac who has no idea the world she's in.

"No, no I don't, I think…" I sucked in a huge breath and tried to find the courage to say the insane thing that I thought happened. "I think that I'm -you're going to think I’m crazy but- um, I think that I’m from a-a different world." 

The last half was rushed out in a flurry of words, I squeezed my eyes closed as I said the last part, not wanting to see the look of disbelief that would surely run across her face.

I waited in a silent purgatory for a moment, I needed her to know but I couldn't watch as I awaited her judgement.

The silence was broken with a thoughtful grunt, I cracked my eyes to see the look that would present itself on her face, catching a small slit of face before I blinked them open fully. Cassandra was clearly not angry but in deep thought, melting the block of fear that nested in my stomach slightly.

"That would certainly explain your state of dress..." I was one hundred percent sure she hadn't meant for me to hear the quick aside, but she continued before I could even think of a comment. "What do you mean, 'another world" how did you get here then?"

"I really don't know, the last thing I remember before I woke up here was walking home from work, this is my uniform." I was desperate for her to believe me, and you could hear it in my voice.

"I still do not know that you were not involved with the explosion that caused the Breach, but you will need armor and something to keep you warm." This time when my jaw dropped I didn't try to close it, I mean I understood why, I was just hoping that this would all go a little smoother, like a movie does.

I swallowed my pride and didn't beg the woman before me to believe the ridiculous story that I gave to her. There was one thing that she said that stuck in my mind with a capital B.

"What’s the Breach?" I assumed that it was some sort of canyon or cliff that was created by the explosion she mentioned earlier.

"It would be easier to show you." A wave of dread washed over me and settled in my stomach, what was so bad that she couldn't tell me she had to show me. 

Cassandra grabbed my right arm gently and helped me to my feet but did not unshackle me. I was her prisoner still.

She led me through a short hall at a quick pace while still holding onto my arm. It only took a second for her to open the door and blind me with the bright outside.

My eyes adjusted to the snowy landscape and a shiver ran through me from the cold, but what hung in the sky made my blood turn to ice.

Above me, Cassandra, and a fucking mountain hung a huge green mass of swirling green that was eerily similar to the mark on my hand. I could see why she thought that it was my fault, I was carrying the same thing in my hand only pocket sized.

"We call it the Breach, we believe that it's a rift into the world of demons." Cassandra broke my hypnotized stance with another bombshell, demons. "It's not the only such rift, just the largest and the first. Demons have poured out of it since the explosion that destroyed the conclave and created the Breach, the one only you survived."

"An explosion can do that?" I gazed up at the Breach hanging above us, of course they think I did it, I survived that. "And that’s where you found me?" 

There was almost no way I didn't do this, the mark that marred my hand matched the massive gaping hole in the sky. I thought I was guilty and I still didn't know what happened.

"This explosion did, and our soldiers found you outside the Temple of Sacred Ashes, a few of them saw you fall out of a rift."

Cassandra started to move towards me with a purpose that, I have no problem admitting, terrified me. "We must act, otherwise the Breach may grow to swallow the entire world."

I stared at the sure woman, but before I could say anything another pulse shot through my hand.

This time I could hear, or feel the Breach pulsing in time with my hand, calling more, pulling more. The stinging pain sent me to my knees as my hand reached for something that I couldn't grasp or let go of. 

The fiberglass was back in my veins, but it almost felt like it was growing. Pins clawing farther into my hand, spreading the burning buzzing pain, almost as if it were trying to take over, to possess me.

In mere moments the pain subsided, leaving me with my ragged breathing and Cassandra staring at the mark imprisoned in my palm. 

This couldn't be a dream, this was all horrifyingly awfully real, and I was fucking terrified. Cassandra approached me slowly and kneeled continuing where she left off as if nothing had happened.

"Every time the Breach grows, so does the mark on your hand. It could kill you, it could also be the key to sealing the Breach, but we must hurry, I do not know how long we have." 

Her gaze had changed, it was softer almost pleading, it made me think, maybe Cassandra was just as scared as I was. This was her world after all.

I heaved in a few deep breaths, trying to calm down, if I did this, I might die. If I didn't do this I would die.

"I'll do anything I can to help." It hurt a little how surprised she was at my words, I had cooperated the entire time and I wasn't exactly fond of the prospect of death, but I couldn't sit idly by while this world was destroyed by something that I may have had a hand in.

Cassandra reached out her hand and helped me to my feet and led me to a tent off to the side of the building we had left.

Cassandra was quick to find what she was looking for once we were inside the tent. I stood in the entrance, unsure of what to do until she returned to me with a suit of armor in her hands. 

In a moment she quickly removed the stocks from my hands and laid the armor on a chair nearby.

I started quickly, putting on the underclothes first, but once I reached the actual armor bits I was stumped. I had no idea how to put any of this on.

My face flushed and burned as I turned around to ask Cassandra for help. Her face scrunched up in confusion for a moment before she approached me and began to clasp and tie every clamp and string with deft fingers.

“You truly know nothing of this do you?" The quiet contemplation hung in the tense air until I slowly shook my head once more. "Do you know how to fight?" 

The second question was hurried and held a small tremor of fear, her fingers slowed as well waiting for the dreaded answer.

"Not really, no." Her shoulders slumped slightly, I could tell I just made her day ten times harder. "I'm not weak though, and if we make it through this you can train me if you want."

I hoped that would bring a little levity to the end of this world, but Cassandra's impassive frown brought me to silence once more. Cassandra looped my wrists with rope connecting the two of us up to the hole in the sky.

When we left the tent we headed to the gate and I felt eyes on me, all through Haven, all its people following me with lasers of hate.

"They have decided your guilt, they need it. They mourn for the Divine." Cassandra paused and sucked in a sharp breath before she began again. "The conclave was hers, as the head of the chantry she was striving for peace, but with the explosion and her death," 

Cassandra let out an unintelligible grunt at the end of her speech and I didn't pry further, even if I had no idea what she was talking about.

It was clear that Cassandra had a personal connection there, she continued to explain in hushed tones that the conclave was an attempt at peace after a rebellion, I only caught some of her words as my eyes and mind drifted to the sky.

The Breach was... well, it was hard to look away from, mostly because it wasn't in my hand. 

The Breach was beautiful in the scariest way, the green iridescence swirled and undulated in an ethereal funnel of green, what kept it from being truly beautiful was the total wrongness of it hanging in the sky.

when I tore my eye away from the Breach I saw that we had reached the second gate and Cassandra was facing me with knife in hand.

For a moment I thought that this was the end but she soon cut the rope instead of my neck. I asked no questions as she led me with a brutal pace up the mountain path almost taking two or three steps at a time.

We marched in near silence, I couldn't speak for my breath was occupied by attempting to keep up with the seasoned warrior but I was quickly knocked to my knees by another raging pulse that sent all thought from my brain.

All I knew for a moment was the blinding spreading pain, its pulses pounding in time with my own heart, but as soon as it came once more it left. The buzzing static lingered in the back of my thoughts.

"The pulses are coming faster now, we must hurry." I clamped my lips shut as I felt the automatic retort building, I wanted nothing more than to refuse Cassandras plea for need, and all I wanted to kneel in the snow and let the mark swallow me whole.

I stood and swallowed my tongue, clenched my other fist and we continued along the path. We continued at the same brutal pace from before, my chest burning as I continued to push my body beyond what it was used to, and the buzzing at the edge of my mind started to push back to the forefront of my thoughts.

I tried to block it out, to focus on something else, something other than the green lurking in my hand and its matching counterpart in the sky above. I tried to concentrate on my breathing, on the pounding of my feet as they slammed onto the stone stairs, anything else.

We made it to another gate with soldiers at the sides, I thought I would be bound again but my hands remained free. Cassandra signaled to open the huge doors and without preamble we rushed through.

We made it about halfway across the bridge when I felt something different in my marked hand, the buzzing static was back, and suddenly both the Breach and my mark gave one simultaneous pulse and all I saw was a green bolt crash into the bridge I was on.

My world was turned on its head, the ground was falling and I tumbled with it, and for one brief moment I hung in the air.

Stones slammed into each other as I fell, and into the ground below as well, and one second later I was one of those stones falling to the earth.

I fell all at once, and everything was knocked out of me, breath, thought and probably life. The fall was not far but it hurt like a bitch, every part of me was sore. I tried to catch my breath and listen to what was happening.

I heard nothing, the snow muffled the air and the blood that rushed through my ears for a few moments erased anytthing else. 

My chest was tight without air and my back was cold from the ice below me. My breath came in wheezes as I tried to get up, but my limbs refused to obey.

A chill deeper than my surroundings slammed into me when I heard a cracking noise, I was absolutely paralyzed on the ground-ice below me and I needed to move. 

The awful cracking noise was followed by pops and more cracks, I was finally able to sit up and I saw the source. I tried to scramble to my feet, but all I managed to do was scoot a few feet back.

What my eyes saw was not the ice cracking below my ass, it was more like a rip into the fabric of the world that was once more the same eerie green that seemed to be everywhere, but now it was coming to me.

The two marrks that were on the ground shattered with a piercing scream that could have split hairs and static filled the air once more. Claws tore at the edges of the fissures and a monster followed close behind.

This couldn't be real! I had to be dreaming, monsters clawing their way out of green hell pits that match the mark on my hand!

Movement out of the corner of my eyes made me turn from the creature, Cassandra charged the monster yelling something as she passed me, but I couldn't catch what she had said. I finally got to my feet and got myself behind some rubble.

The monster let out another bone chilling banshee shriek and Cassandra swung her sword, a titan against a mountain.

My attention was quickly diverted by the second shriek and my eyes glazed over to the second fissure. Claws pulled out another hooded monster, right behind Cassandra.

As if by fate my eyes landed on a weapon, a great axe humbly leaning against some rubble unscathed and right there. I would like to say that I grabbed the axe and instantly knew how to wield it, but that would be a lie.

The weapon was heavy in my hands when I grabbed it like a baseball bat and I stumbled on my first few steps trying to wield the huge weapon before the monster clawed its way into the world.

The great axe was much more unwieldy than I would have hoped, but I t would do, I just had to pretend that it was just a huge lacrosse net, a deadly lacrosse net that I planned to just wildly swing at whatever horror that wanted me dead. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in for only one second.

That was what I did back home, on earth-god it felt weird to say that- whenever something I didn't want to do came up, my mother always used to tell me 'take a deep breath. Close your eyes, and when you open them you'll do whatever you didn't want to do.'

In a second I took that breath, I filled my bruised lungs with mom's memory and on the exhale, I was ready, if just for now.

Another shriek warned me that the monster was emerging and I snapped my eyes open and dashed as fast as I could without slipping.

I swung the second I stopped running, the monster had just finished emerging from its fissure and was starting towards Cassandra when I swung with all my strength and momentum.

I pretended I was hitting a home run instead of swinging an axe into a monster from fairy tales.

My eyes closed at the moment of impact without my permission, to try and block out what I was doing. I tried to ignore the fact I was fighting a demon from another world, with a great axe so very far from my home. 

I didn't want to fight, my hands shook with the reverberations and fear, this could all be my fault. I needed to do something to try and fix it.

I ripped my eyes open, I couldn't let my mind wander, I needed to focus. The end of my axe was buried into the shoulder of the moldy grey monster, but no blood oozed. 

Now the monster had its hood in my direction. In a panic I tried to yank the weapon away, but before I could the demon let out another shriek.

The axe came free and I tried to run, my feet pumping in the opposite direction, but my feet slipped and the world was thrown upside down. All I could see was the Breach hanging above me pulsing and swirling hypnotically.

A sudden flare of icy fire shot through my right leg, and I was brought back to the fight. I slammed my mouth shut and got my feet under me again, sending another wave of fiery pain through my leg. 

I looked back and saw the demon coming right at me, I let out a small yelp and slipped once more, but this time I wasn't going to fall.

The top of my axe slammed into the ground, breaking off chunks of ice from its weight, my arms held firm onto the handle and my feet stabilized. I glanced up from my balancing act, it was getting closer hovering above the ice, its shawl almost billowing but still clinging to its moldy flesh.

I tried to pick up the axe, but my arms shook and my blood started to pound in my ears. My legs started moving on their own and my hands started to stiffen on the handle.

In a last ditch effort I swung the axe around creating an arc on the ice and slammed into the demon. On the impact I almost let go of the weapon, and this time I did some damage to it.

The monster fell over, its wounds erupted in green flames as it began to dissolve, until there was nothing left. My chest shook and hitched as I attempted to take in a soothing breath that was all whooshed out in a clumsy exhale as the tip of my axe fell to the earth.

"Drop your weapon, now!" At the command the axe slipped out of my hand and crashed onto the ground with a thud. 

I took in a shuddering breath as my arms reached above my ears in (what I hoped) was the universal sign for surrender, my eyes drifted to my feet in unfamiliar shoes and fought back tears, I would cooperate, even if it killed me.

My jaw clenched, holding back for fear that I would blab all my nerves away by sobbing them to the hardened soldier.

I was scared, was this my only chance? Did I blow it, was I going back into the stocks and chains?

After a while a long sigh erupted from my companion along with the sure footsteps signaling her approach. Her boots came into my view close to my fallen axe, she bent down in a swift movement and grabbed my axe. 

My back straightened, awaiting the sentence staring at the Breach. I attempted to staunch the tears that threatened to start flowing once more. I tried to breathe in soothing deep breaths but all that I could manage were short shaky inhales and rushed exhales.

"I, apologize." I snapped back to her face in an instant, she wasn't looking at me but the weapon I wielded, she held it much more confidently and steadily than I had. Her steely gaze met my own before she began again. 

"I cannot protect you alone, and I cannot ask you to be defenseless, I had forgotten that you are not accustomed to fighting." She raised the axe for me to grab once more and lowered it reverently into my grasp. "I should remember, you volunteered to come."

She turned her and proceeded to start once more on our journey up the mountain, at a slower pace than before, like our fight hadn't happened. A small smile broke onto my face at the small gesture of trust, and now I felt safer than I had so far in this strand world.

I had a weapon, and while I couldn't really wield it, I at least had something to defend myself with, and now, I had an ally.

I started on my way to Cassandra when the searing pain in my leg returned, and a small groan escaped. I fought the urge to cry out when I chanced a glance at my leg, clasping my hand over my mouth.

My right leg was soaked through with my blood, the new pant leg was torn in jagged claw marks in the same place the claw marks marred my leg.

I saw Cassandra turn around at my groan and started towards me once more, rummaging at her side pouch as she neared, eventually pulling out a small pink phial, it contents swirling iridescently with every movement Cassandra made.

"Here drink this, it will not full heal you but it is all we have for now, but it will stop the bleeding." She place the phial gently into my hand.

I dropped my axe for the moment and fumbled with shaking hands, trying to uncork the small container. It took a few tries but eventually the cork popped and I greedily gulped down the small amount of liquid as fast as I could, whatever was in it I didn't want to taste it.

The potion must have been some kind of healing potion because I could feel my skin fusing together, the claw marks slowly closing. I moved the torn parts away and say smooth pink raised scabs, as if I were burned, closed and healing.

I closed my eyes, if only for a second. This was real, all of it, I really got hurt and I really could be the cause of all the chaos that inflicted this world. 

I opened my eyes, wanting to thank Cassandra but she was already on her way. In that moment I made my decision.

I would close the Breach, find out what caused it, and just maybe I could save the world too,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading! I posted this so I wouldn't loose the documents, so I will start editing the chapters as i go, I recently changed jobs, so updates will happen later in the day and will be coming a little less regularly for a little while until I get a good back log of chapters again.


	2. Let's Be Friends, Okay?

I felt like I was going to die, the steep steps never seemed to end just a constant stream of ascending stone after the first batch of demons we dealt with Cassandra must have decided that we weren't fit to fight the masses that kept falling from the Breach.

I glanced at the swirling green mass above my head, it undulated almost endlessly and spurted out electric green tendrils of (what I called Doom) what looked almost like lightning arching off of invisible lightning rods. I was the one who most likely caused that blast, and somehow Cassandra need me to close it.

I was so dead.

My eyes snapped back to the stone steps and I continues following the titanic speed that Cassandra kept up the mountain, not changing pace for a second. I tried to breathe and get a hold of myself, if I passed out now who would close the huge hole in the sky. I glanced up at the perfect moment to not run directly head first into Cassandra's hard plate armor and stopped as well.

"I hear fighting, we must be getting close to the forward camp, hurry" and in a second she was off again at a blinding pace.

I tried not to protest, but a few groans managed to slip through my crumbling tough exterior, but I could hear fighting like she had said. The endless seeming steps did eventually end, though my legs felt like they were walking up stairs for the next hour.

When we crested the top of the stair the fight was in full swing, but that wasn't what shackled me to the ground, it was another Breach, but this one was right here, I could touch it if the feeling really struck me (which would never happen) and I couldn't look at anything else, just the swirling siren song of the green abyss.

At one point the others must have defeated the demons around but I couldn't hear what was happening I only heard the soft screams from the rift calling to me, and all I could see was the unending undulating Breach into the demon world.

"We must act before any more come through!" My ears heard the yell but my mind didn't even process the yell before my marked arm was yanked towards the mass of doom. That partially broke the trance I was in, my head swinging around to see who wanted the Breach to swallow me whole, but the green tendrils from the Breach moved in front of my vision once more and I saw the mark.

My hand had its own tendril of green now linked to the Breach, and once that happened I could feel the rip of the portal into this world the way it put pressure into the air was suffocating, but mostly I could feel the mark, not in pain this time but connected. I wrenched my arm away and everything ended.

The silence that followed was almost deafening, if I didn't hear the wind whistling I would have thought that the Breach took my hearing, but soon the soldier started rejoicing and I turned to whoever took my arm.

He (as it turned out) was an elf, with pointy ears and everything. I honestly was thinking this was hell or purgatory because none of this could be real, the Breach, me being here, all of it was so far flung from reality I could barely keep up, so I did what I do best.

I ignored the shit out of whatever thought my head put in because no matter how much undeniable proof my mind still said this was not real. So I shook myself and looked back to the elf and tried not to stare at his ears to obviously.

"How, how did you do that?" The stupid question was out of my mouth before I could ask a decent one but it seemed he didn't question my cluelessness.

"I did nothing, it was you who sealed the Breach" The strength it took to hold back rolling my eyes was almost too much but I managed to keep looking at him without doing it.

"You mean this." The marked hand of course, probably the only thing that truly kept Cassandra from killing me earlier and now the only reason I was here still, the fucking mark. The elf nodded solemnly and started to explain, if just a little.

"Yes, whatever opened the Breach must have also placed that mark on you. I had theorized that the mark might have been able to close the rifts that have also opened and it seems I was correct." My eyes glanced back down and I stared at the mark, that's what that was, I was 'closing' the 'rift'? It certainly didn't feel like closing but the mini-Breach wasn't there any more so I guess he was right, but that explanation still felt a little wrong.

"That means it could close the Breach as well!" Cassandra ambled elegantly up to the two of us speaking directly to the elf to my side, who glanced at me before going back to Cassandra.

"It is possible." He turned back to me and continued, "It seems you hold the key to our salvation in the palm of your hand" This time I let my eyes roll, me the key to salvation, laughable.

"Good, I thought we'd have demons coming out our ass forever" I blinked and looked around for the interjector, and he was not hard to find though he was closer to the ground than most, "I'm Varric Tethras, a rouge storyteller and every once in a while, unwelcome adventurer." He gave a quick bow and wink and I was sold, maybe I could have a friend if I lived through trying to close the Breach.

"It's good to meet you Varric," I bowed a little to him as well since it was truly good to meet someone really friendly, "are you like Cassandra?" The laugh that Varric barked out was long and hearty and it left him wiping the corners of his eyes as they sparkled with mirth.

"Me like Cassandra, no we may both want the Breach closed but you see, technically I’m a prisoner here just like you."

"I brought you here to tell the Divine The Tale of the Champion, and now that is clearly no longer an option" Cassandra's harsh voice cut Varric's smooth baritone, but it didn't seem to faze him as he bit back, the sarcasm clear in his retort.

"And here I am, a lucky coincidence considering the current events." He gestured to the Breach vaguely behind him and started getting his crossbow onto his back again.

"Varric, absolutely not! Your help is appreciated but..." She never got to finish her thought before Varric eked his way into coming with.

"Have you been to the valley recently, it's worse than yesterday, your soldiers are not in control anymore, and you need my help seeker." If we were in a less serious situation I would have busted laughing at the noise Cassandra made, but it still brought a smile to my face. The elf who was letting this happen in silence finally decided to be known.

"My name is Solas if we are introducing ourselves, I am pleased that you live." With a nod and apparently a confused face I logged his name in my mind, so far I know four people in this world and they all seem to want to help me, I hope it stays that way.

"He means that he kept your mark from killing you in your sleep." what, how was my first reaction, first you give me an elf, then one that does magic! What will the world give me next?

"How did, how did you do that?" The question stuck to my mouth, stupid and dumb it hung for a moment in the air before Solas mercifully broke it by answering.

"Healing magic and minor wards, though the mark is too strong for those to help you now." At least it seemed he was a good mage (magician, I will have to ask Varric later.) he healed me at least. Solas once more turned to Cassandra and addressed her, "you should know that this magic is unlike any I have seen before, and as your prisoner is not a mage I find it difficult to even imagine how she, or anyone else could have had the power create this."

"I understand, we must hurry to the forward camp." The titan of a woman stood, not even winded and made her way down a slope and called over her shoulder back to us, "Down the bank, the road is destroyed ahead."

We followed her down in silence, for a long time until the slope evened out and almost at a decent pace, just a little faster than I would have liked but not the blistering one we kept to earlier.

"Demons, just ahead!" The speed that I whipped my head up should have hurt me, though it probably did and I didn't notice.

"Are you glad I stayed seeker!" Varric called to Cassandra as he slung his crossbow off of his back and let loose a deadly shot to the first demon, and with that the chaos truly began.

Cassandra rushed forward with a battle cry that shook the trees and my bones skillfully dancing and blocking with her nimble sword and shield and Solas, well he started doing magic.

The Bald man twirled his staff like a cheerleader on homecoming but his flashy twirling had another use clearly as soon after he began flinging flames at one of the monsters, my jaw dropped but I quickly picked it back up.

I would not be useless, the heavy axe slid from the holster on my back in a quick move that made me almost drop the heavy weapon, but I held firm and managed to get the grip right when one of the demons screeched.

My eyes darted for the closest one, and luckily (unluckily) one of the bigger ones was on its way towards me. With a deep breath I rushed forward and swung my axe like the biggest baseball bat right at the demon's neck, hopping that maybe I could behead him and it would be done.

With a sickening squelch the axe slammed into the shoulder of the demon and sliced through almost all the way through to its other side sticking in the monster. My hands shook as I tugged the enormous weapon, trying to lose it from the still writhing demon my eyes were locked to the beast as it stilled, green flames licking from the wound and dissolving the monster till it was no more.

Silence hung over our group, no more screeches and yells, just the silence of snow. The demons, all evidence that they had even existed was almost entirely erased, the only thing left was the markings in the snow.

The sound of a sword brought me back to the moment, we couldn’t stay here, we needed to move and move we did.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“So, are you from the Free Marches?" The Voice of Varric broke my concentration, "That's where I guessed, considering your accent, but maybe further west, east?" I glanced back at the seemingly innocent man (dwarf?) and his intrigued expression. What answer can I give him, it's not like I could say, 'Nah, I'm from western Colorado.'

"There's no point in asking Varric." My savior Cassandra once more saving my hide, though this time from more metaphysical threat, the thought of me blabbing that I was from another world entirely, and I was happy that she interjected.

We continued up another set of stairs, monotonously and without conversation, only the wind and our breaths to muffle the deafening sound of silence.

Ever since I was a kid I couldn't stand silence, the endless nothing that envelopes, that suffocates, it made me want to scream. Now I was stuck in this world, where, I'm pretty sure, was still in the medieval period. Now I was surrounded by the silence of snow, and I couldn't get out.

Thankfully our next set of stairs was covered in snow, giving me a small reprieve from the quiet. I glanced up at the Breach, it was so large and now that we were closer to it, even more hypnotizing. The swirling green mass was more than I thought, the Breach it, it changed.

In one second I was on my knees on the snowy steps with the rushing pulsing scream and the mark pulsing and now, it was arcing. Green tendrils, just like before at the rift were stretching and attempting to grasp the Breach as they did with the rift before. Every tendril that escaped felt like a whip of fire dragging along my palm, searing the edges of the mark.

As soon as the sudden pulse rocked through me it ended, leaving me ragged, panting and as very confused as to what the mark on my hand really was, and if it could kill me still.

"Hey, shit, are you okay?" Varric was suddenly in front of me his Amber eyes full of concern as he held a hand to help. "That thing sure does give you a beating doesn't it?"

"You have no idea"

~*~*~*~*~*~

"So, you are innocent, right?" Varric once more broke the silence in the party with another query directed at me.

"I don't know, I can't remember what happened"

"That'll get you!" Varric barked out a humorless laugh, then stilled his features and continued with mirth in his eyes, "What you should have done was spun a story." This time I couldn't hold back my laugh, a quick chuckle that quickly sobered.

We continued through the path and stairs, one more terrifying demon fight under my belt and a little less blood in my system until Cassandra broke the quiet lull we were in.

"I hope Liliana made it to the forward camp." It was quiet, but in our silent group it resonated.

"She's skillful seeker," An attempt at comfort was made by Varric, and well I felt the same way about the other woman, she exuded an air of deadly confidence, if I thought anyone could make it here alone it was Leliana.

We continued further up more stairs, my mind wandering to silly questions like, 'how was this built?' and 'how long have these been here?' and even sillier ones that I can’t name now, but as we moved the static and pressure in the air built once more, the tension building higher and higher as we climbed the stairs.

This had to be another rift, but I glanced at the others and none of them were reacting to what I was feeling. Maybe it had something to do with the mark and only I could feel that pressure and hear the static.

"Another rift!" Cassandra's alert verified my speculation about the rift and that we would be fighting again. Varric grabbed my wrist and held me back, allowing Cassandra to charge and Solas to twirl death to the demons.

"Cassandra's got this covered," Varric readied his crossbow and loosed bolts at the demons, somehow managing not to hit any allies. I stood stock still and watched, this time I watched my allies as they fought, Cassandra was so skilled her movements were fluid, and I hoped one day I could be so smooth, and Solas, he was also smooth, but more in a dancer kind of way. All of his movements had a purpose and flashy as they were they all shot fire from his staff. Varric was in a league of his own, smirking and working his crossbow like it was an extension of his body, almost mechanically accurate with his shots.

It seemed to take only a moment for the experienced team to take the demons out and for the rift to start calling to me. This time I was in control, I raised my hand and suddenly I was connected, static filled my ears and green light filled my vision. I was not in control at all, the mark controlled everything, and I was a paralyzed tool for the mark. In one second something snapped and it was all over, no more sound or light.

"The rift is gone, open the doors!" The yelled command from Cassandra made me jump, my nerves on fire.

"Whatever that is in your hand is certainly useful, even if it looks bad." With a shrug Varric started towards the now open gates.

The forward camp was full of soldiers and supplies, tents and wagons filled the sides and bodies littered the area. It looked like the losing side of a war, it looked like a massacre, and no one could staunch the bleeding of men from the faceless enemy in the sky.

I looked away from the covered bodies and approached Cassandra who was now next to a safe Leliana and another man.

"You made it, I'm relieved! Chancellor, this is-" Leliana's songbird greeting was interrupted by the man on the other side of her.

"I know who she is, the one that caused all of this! As Grand Chancellor of the Chantry I order you to take this prisoner to Val Royeaux so she can be tried and executed!" The man’s speech left me reeling, execution? Grand Chancellor? Chantry?

"You order me, you are a glorified clerk, you can’t order me." A slug fest, that’s what this would turn into, name calling from both sides. With a glance to Varric who was paying about as much attention to the fight as would a cat I toned out the yelling, Cassandra would take care of it.

She didn't take care of it, nope she shoved that on my shoulders after I stupidly interrupted saying that the Breach was the actual problem then she asked me to pick, me, the prisoner, to pick which way we were going to approach. So I did what everyone would do, I decided to climb the mountain. Clearly the best choice, more time for awkward silence and frozen ladders.

Speaking of frozen ladders, my fingers were close to numb as we reached the top of the second ladder, but thankfully the last set, a huge opening, almost like a mine, was carved into the side of the mountain.

"If we go through the tunnel here, it should take us to the path that leads to the temple." As Cassandra stepped off of the ladder she dusted any bits of snow off of her shining armor.

"You said that a team went missing, are they in these tunnels?" Oh, and did I forget, an entire scouting party went missing up here, truly the best choice, Cassandra should have never let me pick.

"We will see, we lost contact not too long ago." A shiver struck my spine as we entered the mouth of the tunnel, our footsteps echoed ominously as we stalked through the tall halls. It was almost too quiet, there were no bodies or destruction, only the dark cavern walls barely lit by the small sconces. It was plain creepy. I kept my eyes forward as we walked, one side open to the abyss below, I didn't want to get distracted by the beauty of the tunnel.

The tunnel became stairs once more and in one moment the sky was in our eyes once more, out of the cavern and into the fight. Another rift hung in the air surrounded by (what must have been) the missing scouting party.

The demons were different this time, tall and lanky they towered over everyone and shrieked like banshees, and they really wanted the scouts dead. Once more Cassandra charged with Varric and Solas giving covering fire, they were like a well-oiled machine, and I was the addition that made the machine fumble and break, the part no one wanted to add.

"Lady Cassandra!" The shout was heard by all the scouts and a sudden resurgence of strength seemed to flow through the weary party, their strikes hitting their targets and their shields holding firm, the banshees didn't stand a chance against the renowned hope that we brought.

Soon the last one fell in the plume of green that took the rest and I was left to close the rift once more. The pressure built in the air as I raised my arm trying, futilely, to prepare for the invasion that was soon to follow.

This rift took only a second to seal, the screaming static hushed with a flick of my wrist and a step back, nothing was left once more, only the quakes left in my arms and soul. The Breach would surly kill me, how could it not, I could barely handle the immense pressure of the smaller holes in the world, how would I be able to stop the largest one.

With a shuddering breath I turned around back to the scouts and my team, with the foremost member assisting a scout to her feet.

"Thank the Maker you got here in time Lady Cassandra! I don't think we could have made it much longer without help." Her voice also shook, probably with the same fear of the unknown I was quivering with or exhaustion or, most likely, both.

"Thank the prisoner, she was the one who insisted we came this way." Of course Cassandra couldn't just keep the credit, but it really wasn't me, she made me choose between the two after all.

The scout just turned her covered face to mine, all I could see were her soft eyes until she gave a deep bow, leaving me flustered and not knowing what to do.

"It was worth the risk, you're alive after all."

"Then you have my deepest gratitude, Serah." Huh, Serah? I wondered what that could mean, but I didn't have enough muster to ask the scout before Cassandra reached out to her once more.

"The way to the forward camp down the mountain is clear for the moment, go while it stays that way." Her steely voice cut with authority was not booming or commanding but soft and coaxing, almost calming. The scout bowed and signaled for the rest of her party to head out. "It's not much farther now, just down the hill there." Cassandra pointed forward to another set of (probably) frozen ladders to clamber down.

We, almost monotonously, climbed down rung after frozen rung with slow purpose, the attempt not to slip and snap our necks on the icy below. Unsteady feet thudded onto the wooden slats of the path ahead and silence descended once more as we marched to the temple, the Breach above almost the entire sky here. The green mass swirled and consumed the blue sky and clouds behind, almost attempting to become the sky, or to destroy it.

"So, Chuckles, big holes in the sky leading to the fade don't just accidentally happen, right?" Just the question that I wanted to know, but Varric knew more about, well everything, so his question held a few more that added to my own steadily growing list.

"If enough magic is at the epicenter then, yes, in theory." That made my head twirl, if enough magic, magic! was there it could make a hole into another world? Was I grabbed from mine when the Breach was made? Did I fall through worlds, and did that create the Breach?

"There's got to be better ways to make something explode though."

"That is true"

"We'll discuss how it came to be when we are out of the immediate danger." Thank god Cassandra was here, she knew the mission and would not be deterred.

The further we walked the more destruction was littered all around us, the walls clearly hit with some kind of explosion and any kind of structure to this path was erased with rubble and ruin. We must have been getting close.

We finally made it to a point where the walls became something else, they weren't walls at all, now we were here, where the Breach was created and where I came into this world.

"That is where you, where you walked out of the fade, our soldiers found you here. They say... They say that a woman was behind you, no one knows who she was, or if she was even real." Cassandra's approach was near silent as I stared at the pure chaos that surrounded the small opening to the ground, fires still burning and, god the bodies were so destroyed all I could see were their screaming mouths, probably all screaming save me, help, when I was the only one to make it out all but unscathed. It wasn't fair to them, it was bullshit.

We stepped down into the entrance, once, probably, this was a beautiful temple, I wondered what they worshiped here, their god, Maker as the scout had said, maybe it was sacred grounds? No, I had to stop, we'll get the Breach taken care of, and if I didn't die I would ask Cassandra all my questions, even the stupid ones.

We arrived in an open space, clearly once part of the temple, now it was walled off by the blast and I saw Leliana just ahead staring at the Breach above.

"Thank the Maker, you're here." Her musical voice was light and it didn't seem as though she was in the middle of an almost war zone, just light and airy, unlike the mood.

"Leliana, take your men up, get vantage points all around the temple if you can." The strong order was sent, and Leliana was off to do exactly what Cassandra asked. "This may be our only chance to do this, to end it, are you ready?" What a loaded question that was. Was I ready to die, no, no I was not. Was I ready to try to stop this insanity, no, but I needed to.

"I'll try, but do you have a plan, I don't know if I can even reach it let alone close it." The Breach was so close, the static was palpable in the air, to at least me, but the great hole in the sky was well, in the sky.

"No, this is the first, if you seal it, maybe you will seal the Breach as well." Solas' interjection was unwanted purely because he verified my fear. There was no plan, well no that's a lie. I'm the plan.

"Let's find a way down, and be cautious." The prospect of this being my death loomed as we walked, was this even real life? Was I alive right now or was this all some kind of sick dream my mind was playing as I died in some horrific accident back on earth?

"Now is the hour of our victory! Bring the sacrifice forward." A loud booming voice echoed throughout the area, from nowhere it seemed, but I wasn't the only one to hear this, everyone heard the voice.

"Solas, do you know what we are hearing?" Her question was probably echoed in all the minds around.

"Probably, whoever created the Breach?" The voice stuck in my head, I didn't know it, but I knew I would need to remember.

We continued passing some of Leliana's people holding their position staring into the Breach with the same awe and fear that I did.

"Seeker! You know this is red lyrium right?" Varric brought my eyes back to the path ahead, and for sure red, glowing rocks were strewn about, and were growing in huge stalagmites out of the cliff face.

"I see it Varric" Her tone was almost bored, but she was avoiding the glowing mass as she walked too.

"That just it! What's it doing here, I've only seen it in the deep roads once seeker." Varric was so serious that when I passed the stalagmites I gave them the biggest berth I could afford in the cramped quarters.

"The magic that created the Breach might have brought raw lyrium up to the surface, and corrupted it."

"Maybe. Whatever you do though, don't touch it."

"Keep the sacrifice still!" Another booming echo reverberated through the silent ruins.

"Please, someone, HELP ME!" A second voice was added to the echo, feminine and distressed

"That was Divine Justinia's voice!" Cassandra's call was not the usual strong confidant steel, it was almost as if a child spoke through the woman’s mouth.

We were in the center of the temple finally, the carnage surrounded us on all sides, bodies and building pieces strewn about as if this were a child's sandbox.

"Someone please help me!"

"What's going on, is everyone okay?" That was my voice, clearly I was here before the blast, I saw Cassandra’s body tense and spin around in front of me, her grey eyes a storm of rage and fear.

"That was your voice the Divine called out to you but..." She trailed off, I was no longer looking at Cassandra, a flash of light happened as Cassandra spoke and I could see, well they looked like ghosts to be, but they were probably like the echoes before.

I was there, that was clearly me, and two other people that I had never seen before, one was alert two of me towering above the ghost me's head and the other was around my size being held up by the first stranger.

"What's going on here?" The not me me spoke again with a force in my voice I haven’t heard, ever.

"Run, run while you can warn them!" The desperation was clear in the echoes voice as she pleaded to me.

"We have an intruder, kill her now." With the last word the vision disappeared in a flash of light just like the first.

"You were there! Who attacked the Most Holy, is the Divine, is she...? Is this vision true, what happened, what are we seeing?" Cassandra rounded on me once more, this time with the fire of vengeance burning in her eyes.

"I don't know, I can't remember!" The hysteria and fear was so very present in my voice it could have made a lion pause in its assault.

"These must be echoes of what happened here, the Fade bleeds into this place.” Solas was my savior this time, "The rift is not sealed, but it seems to be closed, although temporarily as it were, I believe you can open then close this rift and subsequently seal the Breach, however reopening it may bring attention from the other side, proceed with caution."

"That means there will be demons, stand ready!" I spun around, all the soldiers lined up around readied their weapons and held their positions for Cassandra's signal.

"I'm ready, I just, in case I die, my name is Kesta Wilkinson." The words shook and my body was doing everything in its power to stop me from doing this, I was shaking and dizzy, but I was ready, now or never or never again.

My arm reached towards the green mass above, and the mark did its thing, I was connected to the closed rift, so much different than the open ones, all sound was muffled, as if underwater, and the pressure was almost nonexistent, I felt weightless all for a moment before I wrenched my arm away and brought the static to the air and pressure to the world.

The rift was opened, and something huge came through, a demon that was at least three times as big as the ones we fought up to this point, but this time I had to fight.

"Take down its defenses!" I heard Cassandra yell to me from the other side of the gargantuan monster.

"Disrupt the rift, do what you did before!" Solas was also calling to me from across the field of battle, so I did what they asked. I was once more connected to the rift but this time I pulled right away not waiting till when it felt right, and it seemed to do the trick.

The demon was down on its knees, the iridescent coating it seemed to have was missing, and its back was to me so, I charged slinging my axe into my hands, we needed to do this and kill this thing fast.

When I was within reach I slammed the axe down with everything I had, and Cassandra was doing the same, her weapon slicing smoothly over the scaled hide of the beast.

Soon the demon stood, but instead of the iridescent purple that covered it before, now it was covered in dark blood and limping.

I didn't see the arm as the beast swung around, but it caught me and flung me into the only wall nearby, but it wouldn't last long, Cassandra was still hacking and slashing at its feet and arrows rained down onto the demon. The monster swam before my eyes when I tried to stand, but I would end this.

I heard one last roar and then a thud, the demon was downed, and now it was my turn. My arm shook as I raised it one last time toward the rift and I was connected.

The pressure was greater than any of the other rifts, and the static was deafening, but I would close it. I ripped my arm away and the darkness was all I could see.


	3. So, I Didn't Save The World?

I awoke in a room that was not my own, no sounds of cars honking and screeching outside my window, no drone of the ac as it attempted to quell the immense heat of summer, and lastly I was not on the couch that I slept on. I was somewhere unknown, but this time I was in a bed, and not in stocks.

I sat up and started to look around the small cabin, a small fire in the corner warmed the room, refracting light from the suit of armor in the corner. It was a small room, but I was used to small quarters, I lived in a studio apartment before whatever took me from my world to here.

I glanced down to my hand, wishfully thinking the mark would have been removed when I closed the breach but the faint green glow peaked out of my palm, reflecting on to the cream sheets below.

The door across the room opened slowly, as if the person on the other side didn't want to wake me. The woman that walked in was lithe and held a box, which she quickly dropped when she saw I was awake.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were awake, honest." Her sweet voice was tinged with fear and apprehension, for whatever reason she was scared of me.

"It’s okay, don’t-" She quickly dropped to her hands and knees, her forehead almost touching the wooden floor.

"I beg for your forgiveness, and for your blessing, I am merely a servant." With my head spinning I tried to work my way into the correct response, but before I could say that this wasn't pessary she continued. "You are back in Haven my lady. They say that you stopped the Breach from growing, and that the mark on your hand has stopped as well. It's all the town has talked about for days!" I sat for a moment processing her slew of words. Days, she said days, I was out for at least a few days. 

"So, we're safe now?"

"The Breach is still in the sky, but that's what all the soldiers have been saying." My shoulders slumped, I couldn't even save the world properly, I just had to leave the thing up there. "Cassandra said she wanted to see you at once when you woke." The young woman was inching out the door wringing her hands in the most obvious gesture of nerves.

"Where is she?"

"She's in the chantry with the Lord Chancellor and Mistress Nightingale, at once she said!" With that final statement the woman was off, her bare feet padding away until I couldn’t hear her at all.

I had no idea what she was talking about with all those strange foreign words, who were these people, and what was the chantry? My eyes shifted around the room setting once more on the suit of armor that set in the corner.

Without thinking my feet walked me to the shining piece of metal. It was beautiful, the silver metal sparkled with the firelight like the scales of a dragon, and the fabric was thick and unbelievably soft. This couldn't be mine, it was probably owned by the person who owned the home, probably Cassandra. For the first time since I fell into this world I saw a mirror.

I looked like shit. My short hair was like a birds nest sticking up in all directions, thankfully I got a haircut a week ago or my hair would be in my eyes too. The dark circles that pooled below my eyes were more pronounced than normal, and my lips were cut in several areas, I looked like I lost a fight bad.

With a small comb near the mirror I tried to make myself look like a normal person as much as possible, the knots in my hair were stubborn and the dried blood on my face was cracked and flaking off. I approached the small basin in the corner, hoping it was full, when I kicked the wooden box the lithe woman dropped, but all that was in there were herbs, and I was not about to just start touching foreign plants so I started to clean my face in the thankfully full basin of water.

It was slow work trying not to press to hard but still get the wounds clean, slow and painful work that left the wounded areas red, but clean. I glanced in the mirror, and this time I got a full view, including the weird pajamas that I seemed to be changed into after the battle. Once again they were soft, and I was starting to think that maybe they weren’t holding me as a prisoner anymore. There were no guards here, no bindings or bars, only the door and windows.

Once more the armor spoke to me, calling from the other end of the room. Maybe-*just maybe*- this was for me, maybe Cassandra believed me even when I didn't fully think I was innocent either. I let my heart hope and I started to pull on the parts that I could figure out.

It was simple in a way, like a puzzle. All the snaps and pulls had a mate on the other side, and the chest plate moved like water, the metal scales clinking together like wind chimes. It was a work of art, a work of art that I tarnished because of my ineptitude. I would have to ask Cassandra for help, if my hunch was right, to teach me this too.

I only put the scales on, the pants and the belt as well, not fully armed but warm and dressed. I was as ready as I would be to go find this chantry place, god I would have to ask for help, my lips let out a groan that lasted for a moment. I hated to ask for help, even from those who were there to ask questions, it was the weakness that I always answered in my interviews.

The door was almost as threatening as the first door that was opened in this world for me, but I pushed through and opened the world again. Soldiers lined the stairs, four on each side, with their hands in fists over their hearts, and villagers stood away, but still there watching, their gazes differed than before.

"Excuse me, could you tell me where the chantry is?" The soldier that I addressed stiffened and slammed his fist onto his armor before answering.

"My lady, it is up the hill, to the left, take the stairs." His voice was short and clipped, but only in the way that soldiers are, there were indeed stairs to the left and I was off. I ignored the stares that followed me and eventually I was at the place I was imprisoned. The large ornate building must have been the chantry everyone was talking about, it was beautiful, the long red flags fluttered in the light breeze and the small windows twinkled in the sunshine.

The hunch that I had earlier was much less sure, Cassandra wanted me in the chantry at once the woman said, and here-the chantry- was my earlier prison, and she wanted me back. Fuck.

I steeled my nerves as I pushed the magnificent doors slowly open, and saw the inside was much more beautiful than the exterior, long columns reached the ceiling, which was at least two stories, and near the back of the room three rows of wooden pews sat in front of a small podium in front of a door. I approached hesitantly and started to hear the sounds that clearly spoke of a fight

"Have you gone insane? She needs to arrested immediately and sent to be tried by the new divine!" The voice was defiantly the angry man that was arguing with Leliana earlier.

"I do not believe that she is guilty." My heart soared at Cassandras concise answer and it gave me the courage to push the door open.

"Chain her! Prepare her for travel to Val Royeaux!" I glanced around the room, the guards at the door did not move from their posts and with a quick nod from Cassandra they left the room. Now it was me the yelling chancellor, Leliana, Cassandra and two others that I had yet to meet.

"The breach is closed and stable, but I will not ignore the threat it still poses." Cassandra s voice didn’t rise with the chancellor, as she was in control.

"I did all I could to close the breach, I don’t know why it's still there."

"Yet it still hangs there, and you still stand here! Very convenient so far as you are concerned" If I was closer the chancellor would have flung spit on me from his ferocity.

"Chancellor, the breach is not the main threat we face right now."

"Someone caused the Breach and killed the divine, someone the Most Holy did not expect or know, they may still live or have allies that will continue their efforts." Leliana continued from were Cassandra left off, and directed her comments right on the Chancellor.

"You think me a suspect!"

"Yes you. Many others as well Chancellor."

"But the prisoner is not!"

"No, I heard the voices in the temple, The Divine called to her for help." Thank goodness for Cassandra, she seemed so far to be the voice of reason.

"So her survival, and that- that thing- on her hand is all one big coincidence?"

"No, providence. The Maker has sent her in our darkest hour." Wait one minute, Cassandra thought that her god brought me here, well it was a possibility, but it was an insane possibility!

"You think I’m innocent? Really?" I was honestly surprised that Cassandra thought that there was a reason I was here, I wasn’t going to dash her hopes that her god is working through me, even if I didn't think he was.

"I was wrong earlier, and I will not pretend that you were not exactly what we needed when we needed it."

"The fact remains that the breach still hangs, and your mark is the only hope we have of closing it permanently." Leliana mercifully decided to veer the conversation to much calmer waters, by comparison talking about the breach over my own holiness was like a walk in the park.

"That is not for you to decide!" The Chancellor once more reared his voice in, but was quickly silenced by Cassandra.

"No, providence. The Maker has sent her in our darkest hour." Wait one minute, Cassandra thought that her god brought me here, well it was a possibility, but it was insane!

"You think I’m innocent? Really?" I was honestly surprised that Cassandra thought that there was a reason I was here, I wasn’t going to dash her hopes that her god is working through me, even if I didn't think he was.

"I was wrong earlier, and I will not pretend that you were not exactly what we needed when we needed it."

"The fact remains that the breach still hangs, and your mark is the only hope we have of closing it permanently." Leliana mercifully decided to veer the conversation to much calmer waters, by comparison talking about the breach over my own holiness was like a walk in the park.

"That is not for you to decide!" The Chancellor once more reared his voice in, but was quickly silenced by Cassandra.

A book slammed onto the table with a resonating bang that left the room in total silence, all six pairs of eyes fixed onto the eye on the cover.

"Do you know what this book is Chancellor? This is a writ from the Divine, granting authority in times of need. As of this moment I declare the Inquisition reborn." Shivers ran down my spine from the power in the titanic woman’s voice and a surge of hope spiked in my heart as well. "We will close the Breach find those at fault and restore order. With or without your approval." She backed the chancellor into the corner prodding his chest with each statement, and with the finality of her last statement he huffed and exited, the room was still in a reverent silence, all eyes still hooked to the book with its fiery eye.

"This is the Divines will, Rebuild the Inquisition of old and find those who are willing to stand against the chaos. We aren't ready though, we have no leader, no army and now no chantry support." Leliana shattered the silence with the harsh reality crashing down upon all of us. We still had to save the world, and now we were doing it as a rouge group.

"We have no choice right now, we must act, and if you would stay, with you at our side." Cassandra was now in front of me, asking for my help restoring order.

"I certainly wasn't expecting this outcome when I woke up." A small snot came from the last man left in the room, but when I looked to him he was composed and looking at Cassandra.

"Neither were we." Great, so Leliana was back to the conspiracy theorist, I had a feeling she was going to be skeptical.

"Help us fix this before it's too late." I couldn't refuse Cassandra, even if I wanted to I wouldn't have. I was the only one who really could end this. I grasped her outreached hand and shook it nodding at the same time.

*~*~*~*~*

I walked back through the chantry with Cassandra, she had took me away to fix and help to show me how to put the armor I was haphazardly wearing. She was surprisingly lenient and when I was fully armed I felt almost as if I was wearing it right, and maybe I could but it on myself alone next time! Cassandra gave me gloves as well though they sat on the hearth warming up for when I got back.

The mark on my hand was visible though, and I couldn’t help staring at it, the green swirl unending in its movement. I hated it at the moment, I never wanted to see the tiny demon portal stuck to me again.

"Does it trouble you?" The strong voice was kind and quiet from my companion, her eyes full of concern when she met mine.

"I just want to know how it got here, and got me here."

"We *will* find out, the important part is that your mark is stable along with the Breach. You have given us precious time, and Solas believes that a second attempt may succeed, but only if the mark has more power, the same amount as what created the breach, and that will not be easy to come by." we had stopped in front of the door at the back of the chantry, her eyes laser focused onto the side of my head.

"What could possibly go wrong when we power up something we barely understand!" A small smirk crested the side of her mouth and she looked forward again.

"Keep that humor up." She opened the door and we entered. "I present Commander Cullen, he'll be leading the Inquisition's forces."

"The few he still have, we lost many good men in the valley, and many more I fear before this is done." Cullen was a good looking man, his strong jaw accentuated by a scar.

"This is Josephine Montilyet, she is our chief ambassador and diplomat." The second woman was gorgeous, like the ladies I always wished I looked like, her dark skin perfect and her dark curls perfectly arranged on the top of her head.

"I've heard much, it's a pleasure to meet you at last." Her accent was strong but soft, almost Spanish, and so far the only one I could even attempt to place, though she was probably from somewhere else.

"You have met sister Leliana of course." Cassandra gestured to the second woman I met and she gave a small bow before she started to talk.

"My position here requires a certain-"

"She is our spymaster."

"Thank you Cassandra, tactfully put." I could have snorted at the interruption, clearly Cassandra knew Leliana well. I was unsure of what to say, I was the only one that didn't have a title, or a job really.

"It's good to meet you, I hope you have a plan on getting that closed." I gestured to the celling, and I’m pretty sure they got the hint.

The room quickly devolved into an argument about which warring rebel faction we should recruit, Leliana and Josephine siding with the mages and Cassandra and Cullen with the Templars. Josephine thankfully diverted the conversation elsewhere, though it was right onto me.

"Unfortunately neither group will even speak to us yet, and the Chantry officially denounced the Inquisition, and you in particular." 

"Do they really still think I’m Guilty?" It had only been a day since I tried to close the breach, if I really caused it why would I stick around to try and fix it?

"That, is not the whole reason anymore. Some are calling you 'the Herald of Andraste ', and that frightens them. The remaining Clerics have agreed to call it blasphemy, and the Inquisition as heretics for harboring you, limiting our options."

"The Herald of Andraste? What does that mean exactly?" Cassandra glanced quickly to the others in the room then back to me, a look in her eyes that was beyond what I could read on her face.

"Kesta, I have not told them your theory yet, would you like to, or would you like me to?" The mention of my name caught me off guard, I had forgotten that I told her just in case I died, and the actual question was a loaded gun, she never mentioned that she believed that part of my story, but that she remembered it was something.

"Um, I will." I cleared my throat, I tried to make eye contact with one of the others in the room but my eyes slid to my feet, the floor much easier to look at.

"I'm just going to lay it out for you guys, and you may think I’m insane but well, I'm pretty sure that whatever destroyed the chantry brought me here as well, um, I'm pretty sure that I’m from a different world." I stumbled and rushed through but I made sure that they could hear the confession. The secret that I probably should have kept to myself, but I wanted a clean slate, a chance to be totally forward with everything.

"Wow," Cullen’s reaction flew out of him with a huge sigh as well as a thoughtful murmur from someone else in the room. "That uhh, well it makes sense." I looked back to the group amassed before me, none of the gazes held disbelief or anger, only contemplation and realization.

"That is hard to believe, but there is really no other option, I looked your name up while you slept, and no one with even the last name of Wilkinson exists here." The soft voice from Leliana started the seed of hope in my heart.

"I believe you, I saw your cluelessness in person at the breach, and you fight so differently than anyone I’ve seen." Cassandra, so it seemed was the crier for my innocence so far, and a smile broke the frown that had settled onto my face.

"You have no idea how happy that makes me Cassandra." She softly smiled but it soon turned back to the stoic line that she normally held.

"Now, are we all in agreement that this conversation is not to leave this room?" Her voice was strong and commanding, and I was brought back to what Leliana said earlier, so far Cassandra would be an amazing leader. The trio all nodded solemnly and looked back to me, and with a nod we looked back to Cassandra, the shepherd to our herd.

"Since you have no knowledge of the world around you, Josephine will assist you, the Commander and I will help train you in the art of battle. Kesta, we need to make it seem like you are from here, or at least the free marches, so Leliana will be creating who you were before this." It seemed that Cassandra was plotting those days I was asleep, and she believed me from the breach at least. My heart soared, it seemed that I was not lost.

"There are somethings that need to be taken care of soon, but you need to train beforehand, how long do you want to wait Cassandra?" Leliana's voice was quick and precise, getting right to the timeframe.

"A week."

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and commenting and kudosing!


	4. Why Is This So Hard?

"Herald, what has gotten into your head?" My arms fell to the ground where my ass had fallen from the 'attack' Cassandra threw at me. Her shield almost laughably lockable knocked me off the unsteady stance I halfheartedly adopted. I was off my game and Cassandra knew it, weather it was my distracted fighting or another give away.

"I don’t know!" I couldn’t looked the titan in the eyes, her hard steel gaze almost felt like a blade in it of itself.

"Herald, you must be ready for anything! Especially an attack from someone you recognize, there could be assassins working for the one who caused this!" She furiously pointed to the Breach that still hung in the air, another of my failures in Thedas.

"I know Cassandra, I, I think we should take a break." I looked up at the hardened warrior, I had hoped we could become friends of some sort but so far, that endeavor had been diverted by things that were more important. Things like making me -the 'herald'- palatable as a leader and a fighter.

"Herald, you still need to learn these things. We will begin again, until you 'get it', as you say." Her small attempt at humor got me on my feet, if she wanted to kill me with kindness and pain; she surly has the ball rolling.

My hands flung out to the ground as I hefted my bulked up weight from the ground, somehow Cassandra managed to find a place that was free from snow but it was still bitter cold and the only time I was glad I wore the huge armor was that I was warm. Haven was too close to home in the weather category than I would have liked. The bitter cold brought back memories that I had thought I buried deep under the sunshine of the south I moved to.

My heart ached with the want to be home almost every day, and even though my advisors knew where I was from, they didn't really know anything about it -purposely. I tried to keep home out of my mind, but things like the weather or the way the bar smelled the dumb little things that made me want to break down and sob until I was numb. Maybe then I would be the herald they wanted.

Cassandra was waiting for me to be at least aware that she was going to attack before she threw me to the ground once more, and for that, I was grateful. I locked my gaze to her hawk like one and nodded. 

She came at me in a second her huge shield reminding me of Agamemnon from the Iliad, strong and undefeatable. Exactly the opposite of the lesson she was trying to teach. Anyone could be caught off guard. 

My heart hammered even though I knew I was safe, Cassandra would never kill me -mostly because I had the glowey hand but whatever! - but every time she began to rush I wanted to run in the opposite direction -also, fun fact, the opposite of what she wanted me to do, it seemed that I was impulsively driven to not want to do what Cassandra wanted me to.

I held my great axe in my hands, still trying to get used to working with the enormous tool, and swung low just as she told me. My heart dropped when she dodged the slow awkward swing, but I didn't give up. I needed to beat her to take a break.

I turned around and ran into the trees, pleased when a sound of surprise left the titanic woman battling me. The branches smacked at my face as I ran, nothing was what I needed. 

I scanned the small groups of trees, looking for the one with the most snow built up, growing more and more urgent as I started to hear the snapping branches of Cassandra approaching. 

"What are you doing? You can't run." I tried not to laugh at the mumbled first comment, and the second fake threat. She was at least trying to make this s real as possible for me if this situation actually played out. 

I kept my lips sealed and still scanned the trees for what I wanted, ah! I found it, a huge pine tree covered in snow!

My feet slammed into the frozen ground and positioned myself for my plan to work, and I hoped Cassandra would fall for it, because if she did that someone dumber surely would.

"Hey, I bet you can’t catch me!" The reaction was almost immediate, Cassandra spun around and starred directly at my 'hiding' spot and ran right for me. I readied my great axe and got into position.

The wait was agonizing for her to reach the right spot, and I had to time it right since I only would get one shot to do it right, otherwise we would have to start over and I’d need to think of an entirely new plan, this had to work and when Cassandra was about ten feet from me I swung.

My axe landed deeply imbedded into the huge pine tree, not really marring it too far but enough to shake the tree in its entirety, every needle probably shook from the force of the swing.

The effect was instantaneous, and Cassandra was caught right where I wanted her to be in the middle of it all, all the snow had slipped off the needles; and in a second Cassandra was covered in snow and I was laughing at the base of the tree.

"Oh my goodness! I can't believe that actually worked!" I let out a raucous laugh and Cassandra, once she dusted herself off gave a hearty chuckle as well.

"Alright, let’s take a break. You go to the chantry and have another lesson with Josephine, she asked me to make sure you went this time." the groan I let out made Cassandra chuckle again, she shook her head and left, still with snow on her shoulders. 

The steps to the chantry weren’t long, nor were they dangerous, but what they were was distracting. Well one person too close to the stairs was.

Varric was kneeling near a fire that seemed to be almost as large as he was, and with the sounds of footsteps he turned to face me.

"Hey Girly, do you want to talk for a moment?" I moved to his side near the fire, a talk with Varric was better than a lesson in Josephine's claustrophobic office any day.

"So, now that you're away from prying eyes and ears, how are you holding up? It's only been a week and you've gone from the most suspect person in Thedas to joining a 'heretical' army trying to save the world. Most of the people I know would have spread that over more than a few days." Varric's voice was soft and hushed, and made me want to cry, I had person so far who cared about me, not the mark but my wellbeing.

"I'm just surprised I'm alive, and that we made it out of there." That earned a chuckle out the dwarf, his broad shoulders shaking for a moment before speaking.

"I'm surprised you survived Cassandra, though you were out of it for most of her angriest moments." If Cassandra was not at her angriest when I met her, I for sure never wanted to make her mad again, next time I might actually lose my head.

"For days we watched the Breach drop whatever it could right on our heads without anything we could do, I still can't believe that anyone could have survived that blast." He gazed up at the now noticeably green tinged sky before he looked back to me.

"I still kinda think this is all a dream that I’ll wake up from." Even now the thought pops up, was any of this real, was I really here.

"Yeah, if this is the maker playing a joke on us, I really hope there's a good punchline coming up. You might want to head to the chantry soon, I just saw some soldiers heading out, and Ruffles might just have sent them to get you." I looked around and saw no soldiers nearby but I heeded his warning, with a goodbye I worked my way to the chantry.

Haven was beautiful, in the country bumpkin kind of way, but it grew on me more and more each day I was there. The Chantry was certainly the most beautiful part, the huge spires topped with flags and the small windows filled with ethereal stained glass. It was so much like a church back on earth, but I actually entered the chantry here.

"Herald! Where have you been, Josephine has been waiting for a long time." I glanced over to the sister, her gold and red robe warm in the candle light.

"Sorry, Varric caught me and wanted to talk, is Josephine in her office?" She pursed her lips but nodded and got out of my way. It seemed that everyone thought they knew how I should be spending my time, even those that had no reason to, the villagers (rightfully) wanted me to get on with fully closing the breach, and my advisors (Or the triad as I’ve taken to calling them) needed me to learn everything as fast as possible. It was as if I was the understudy who doesn't know her lines, but needs to go on stage tomorrow.

I approached the door that held the small office the ambassador held and remembered the first time I entered, and the terrible attempt to quelch the dissent that the Marquis DuRellion was trying to stir up, it didn't go to well, but also not awfully considering that it was my first time talking to a noble.

When I entered the room Josephine stood up and tried to get the look of disbelief off of her face.

"Herald, I was expecting you sooner, Cassandra stopped by earlier to say that you had finished for the moment with your training." She said her words only a little rushed but still calm and collected.

"Sorry, I was talking with Varric for a sec, what am I going to learn today?" With a smile, she gestured to the chair across from her own lavish one and sat after I did.

"Today I will teach you about the Grey Wardens."

*~*~*~*~*

The sun set the same in Thedas, from east to west at around the same time as home; it gave me some small comfort. The stars were not the same though; I searched the first night for any constellation that I knew, Orion or the big dipper but all I could see was the unfamiliar stars sprinkled across the sky like fallen marbles. I tried to make my own, to create something familiar in the dark expanse, but after a while I stopped looking towards the sky, I didn’t want to pretend I was home, it never worked anyway.

I took up house in the small cabin I woke up in my first day as not suspect number one, but it wasn’t really mine, but it was homier than the chantry. For the first three days I was part of the inquisition I could barely keep my eyes open long enough to get my armor off before I slept, but as days kept passing I managed to stay awake longer and longer, to my own chagrin.

I longed for a quick path to sleep, but my mind refused. I couldn’t stop thinking, about home, about the mark, about everything that happened since I fell into Thedas.

Why was I here?

That thought was the one that held in my mind the longest, Cassandra thought that it was the Maker that sent me here, that it was ‘Providence’ but my thoughts wandered to somewhere more sinister. Was it really me that whatever brought me here wanted, or did I walk into something at the wrong time? No matter how much I thought back though I couldn’t even remember leaving work let alone how I got here, and no matter how many times I run though the events I couldn’t think how I was a benefit to the chaos that was already here.

The one thing that I relied on was the people that surrounded me, Cassandra has been a great help, and a better teacher than any I had in high school. Her no nonsense attitude was one that I needed and she pushed me to be better every day we trained together. She believed in me more than I did most days.

Varric was almost like a breeze from back home, his wit and charm could have tried to swindle me before but he taught me things that Josephine either didn’t know or didn’t want to tell. He told me the whole story of the champion, and of the warden before Josephine had even mentioned what a grey warden was, her explanation filled in the holes Varric left, but he filled in the personality of Thedas, and the heart of the inquisition.

Solas was more of an enigma than the other two, talking about magic and elves as if I knew enough to debate on the other hand, but he seemed to enjoy whenever he could answer a question I had, but he lacked in the storytelling Varric excelled in.

I had a problem though, no matter how much I wanted to sit down and immerse myself in a story before bed but there was a conundrum. I couldn’t read the language here, almost like Nordic runes mixed with kanji, and I couldn’t fathom how to read it at all. It had been a week since I discovered that fact, and I was no further in my attempt to decipher its code, I had come to the conclusion that I needed someone to teach me.

It took longer than I’ll admit to ask Varric for help, but I was going to do it. The door seemed to creak more when I wanted to be silent than when I didn’t, and when I tried to saw it creaked the door swung open like its hinges were newly oiled, just to spite me. When I exited the cabin the village was quiet, almost entirely silent but for the sounds that echoed from the blacksmith down below, it was the perfect moment.

I approached the fire Varric seemed to appropriate as his own, his back to the wild, crouched to keep warm.

“Hey, Varric can I ask you a favor?” The dwarf turned, not in the least bit startled by my sudden question, but the concern in the lines of his face was plain and highlighted in the light of the fire.

“Yeah girly, as long as you don’t ask me to grab anything high. What do you need?” A friend, that’s what I really needed, but I’ll settle for a kindergarten teacher right now.

“Can we talk about this in my cabin, it’s well, kind of embarrassing.” The wry smile that broke over his face was a step in the right direction.

“Sure, but don’t think about seducing me, I’ve got Bianca here for that.” I giggled at the gesture at his immense crossbow on his back and nodded. The trip to the cabin was uneventful, as it was only about twenty feet, almost as if we were neighbors, but ones that got along.

Once we got into the small room I started to root around for the books I had stashed on the desk and for the small book I was attempting to break the code of the Ferelden language, hopefully Varric wouldn’t think I was a psycho.

I took a deep breath away from Varric, and thought this through for a moment, I needed to tell Varric the one secret that I had in Thedas, just to breathe in, and say it.

“I need help. I can’t, well I can’t read, at all.” The look of utter shock was almost worth the time it took to muster up my courage but his calm question took any fears of mockery from my mind.

“You can’t read Ferelden? Well you’ve come to the right tutor; I know all the ins and outs of it.” I could tell he wanted to ask why a ‘noble lady’ couldn’t read but he refrained, clearly experienced with evasive answerers already.

“Can I tell you a secret? No one can know, Cassandra and the advisors know but that’s it.” This clearly piqued his interest, and he slowly nodded with complete sincerity in his eyes. “I’m from another world.” I blurted it all out in one breath, not caring if he needed me to clarify.

“I don’t think I heard you right, did you say that you’re from another world? Like the fade?”

“I don’t know if it’s like the fade, but the theory is spot on. I think it’s almost alongside Thedas, but totally different in almost every way. I don’t know how I got here, or how the chantry blew up, it’s all like I was asleep and it was a dream that I can’t remember.” Varric just sat and let me ramble, without asking to clarify or if I was playing a joke. He listened solemnly and respectfully, a complete heal-turn from his normal attitude of flagrant frivolity.

I told him all my theory’s on how I got to Thedas, and he listened without a hint of skepticism, and added a few of his own added to the growing list of possibilities.

“Girly, I never thought I would live to see the day I met someone from another world other than the fade, maybe demons that wanted to frolic in flowers or a dragon that could sing, but you are an anomaly I didn’t see coming. I bet you didn’t see yourself as the Herald of a heretic movement either.”

“Not really, back home I basically did Segritt’s and Flissa’s jobs and now they want me to help them put the world back together, I don’t even know how to read!” A short bark of unamused laughter pealed out of me. The thought was laughable, me they wanted me to save the world, a twenty nine year old high school graduate who had a series of dead end jobs before being thrust into the responsibility of saving the world, me!

“Is your language different, you speak common very well if it is”

“It sounds like your speaking English to me, so I think they’re spoken the same but our written languages are not.”

“English? Is that what you call the king’s tongue?”

“Yeah, there are all kinds of languages, I think Orlesian sounds like French to me and Ativan sounds like Spanish.”

“Maybe when you get common down I’ll teach you those as well, that is if you want too.”

“Varric, that would be amazing, thank you.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

The Hinterlands were pretty, well that was the first thought that flashed in my mind when we got there, the second was that it stunk like burning flesh all over, that and a hint of Sulphur. Truly, the best combination for projectile vomit, but thankfully for now I managed to gulp down the nausea as Scout Harding briefed me and my team on the lay of the land.

Templars, mages and bandits were all hiding in the hills, along with rifts that needed to be sealed and a chantry mother somewhere in the midst. A puzzle maze was presented before someone who did not have the patience for either, and a party that continually bickered more and more the less we got done in a day. It was the start to a migraine if I had ever seen one.

I worked on my calming breaths as we walked, trying to calm my frayed temper. It was relatively easier to calm down in Thedas, no one was in my pocket at all times to call upon me to race in to cover a shift, or cameras breathing down my neck at every corner. Just birdsong or the howling wind in the valleys we walked through. It was easy to forget that I was so far from home here, the mountains and the trees were so similar I could almost convince myself that I was going for a hike up the mountain and would be back in town by the end of the day. This was the closest to home so far, and it tore into my heart.

“I hear fighting.” Cassandras statement sent ice through my veins I had heard the fighting too. Screams of pain and rage echoed through the valley path, but they were all human from what I could tell. I would have to fight other people, not just nameless and faceless monsters or dummies, real live people that had lives and wants.

Varric must have seen the color wash from my face in that instant and marched his way to my side from the back of the line but Cassandra beat him to it by appearing at my side in an instant. Her sword drawn and shield raised, she almost seemed to be taunting me into another training battle.

It was almost as if she was telling me I could do it without speaking the weakness aloud. I could fight, and it wasn’t as if I was a ranged fighter after all, Varric couldn’t coach me in a style I didn’t fight with.

I slid the heavy weapon off of the harness Harritt had made for me, the great axe was just starting to feel comfortable in my hands, the pommel and haft now almost formed for my hands, and the weight almost like a backpack at this point. Cassandra had me wear the great tool the entire time I was in Haven to help my strength, but I hadn’t realized that it was also getting me comfortable with the weapon in general, Cassandra was truly the sneakiest teacher of mine so far.

I took in a single deep breath; eyes open to the lush green foliage that surrounded us an all sides. I would be strong in this place, even if I didn’t think I could be I would pretend until I was the bravest member of the inquisition, not the coward herald that hid behind her archers waiting for the battle to be over.

Here I would be the kind of strong I was afraid to be back on earth, I would be strong and I would be intimidating and I would not shy away from the battles Cassandra thrived in.

We charged when I moved around the corner, the Templars and mages fighting on the other side of the cliff face, and the inquisition scouts stuck in the thick of it all.

I was blind during the fight, I didn’t see the men I killed and I couldn’t see the blood that pooled around their bodies, I was focused on keeping my scouts alive and kicking, we were already short on good men, and I didn’t want these young scouts to lose their lives trying to find someone probably long gone.

I couldn’t see the bodies long dead left to rot on the sides of the road, nor did I see those that were on display as warning to those who came later. I did my best to ignore the screams of pain and the death gurgles that erupted from those who were felled on the end of my axe, but most of all I tried to ignore the fact that now I was a murderer, and nothing could change that now.

The end of the battle came mercifully fast, no more mages of Templars charged from the valleys or the roads beyond the cross-roads, a strange silence fell on the battle field, none of my companions said a thing for a long while, but Cassandra clapped a hand on my shoulder and left to clean her blade.

I killed someone, lots of someones, without stopping. My chest still heaved in heavy breaths, trying to restore the balanced calm I held in me earlier but a mantra started repeating itself repeatedly in my mind. I am a murderer, I am a murderer. I ran to any corner I could find and vomited.

I kept puking until all that came up was bile, and a few more dry heaves that needed to expel themselves. I was almost numb when a hand started to rub circles between my shoulders, and I let out a choked sob at the contact, my head falling onto my knees and my arms hugging them close.

I needed to breathe, it was the only thought in my mind for a long time, it was my mantra, it was what kept me going when I thought I couldn’t anymore, and it would bring me out of this.

“It’s okay girly, everyone’s first is like this, you should have seen Bartrand when he first killed, of course his was an accident and he was only ten but he screamed longer, and louder than a pig on slaughter day.” Of course, it was Varric who came to my emotional rescue; his words were soft and low but said with all the sincerity in the world.

“T-thank you Varric, do you have anything to wash out my mouth?” I couldn’t make eye contact with my friend; his kind words an eraser to the murderer mantra that had kept running through my mind on loop.

He pulled out the small flask from the inside of his coat and uncorked it before placing it gently into my shaking hands. I could smell the alcohol wafting from the opening and took my first sip carefully; the mystery drink burned all of my mouth and throat all the way down bringing a fire into my gut when I took a swig, burning away the acid from earlier.

“Whoa Varric, where do you get this, Flissa doesn’t have anything close to it in the bar.” He let out a low chuckle, and smiled once I looked back at him.

“I’m still a part of the merchant’s guild, so I have my ways.” He gave a wink and held out his hand, I grabbed on and allowed him to help me up and with a pat on the small of my back started back towards Cassandra, who looked as though she hadn’t seen the battle we had just fought. With another breath in I straightened my back and made my way (shakily) over to the titanic woman.

“Are you okay Kesta?” I smiled at the use of my name, in Haven she almost only addressed me as the Herald, but out here she calls me by my name, Varric always calls me girly and, well me and Solas don’t really talk much so he generally calls me something different every time.

“Not really, but I think I will be later.”

“I asked around, Mother Giselle is up helping the wounded, and Corporal Vale is on the ridge over there.”

“Cassandra, I don’t know what I would do without you.” She smiled lightly and fell back to let me chose whom I wanted to see first. I made my way up elegant stone stairs and quickly saw the strange tall hat that signaled someone of the chantry.

Her voice was soft and reassuring to the man suffering on the stone slab before her, she seemed to be an angel of mercy to these men, if she told them to rest they did, and she convinced the soldiers to allow the healers to help. I defiantly needed the angel of mercy on my side.

“Mother Giselle?” She turned and stood in one elegant movement, her hands coming together as she turned her warm brown eyes onto the wretch that was I, and smiled with a warmth I had yet to receive so far, but I felt a sinking feeling instead of reassured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your kudos! They really do mean a lot!


	5. Why Can't I Get Any Sleep?

Chapter 5.) Why Can’t I Get Any Sleep?

“You know girly, you could have told us you didn’t know how to ride.” I stared up at Varric from my new vantage point on the ground next to a horse that I had failed to get onto for the third time.

“Yeah, but I still need to learn how.” I dusted the dirt off best I could but after the second time I fell, I didn’t really put much effort towards getting clean, I was probably going in the mud at least one more time that day.

The day was just getting harder and harder the longer we stayed in the Hinterlands, we had gotten lost at least three times and I smelled like a petting zoo from the rams earlier. I turned back to the chestnut horse that had let me clamber over her repeatedly and began my fourth try.

It was times like this that made me think of my brothers, the melancholy of nostalgia hit me in waves, in haven I was so busy I couldn’t think of when I wasn’t in Thedas, but out in the hinterlands the sounds of nature brought back thoughts of better times.

When we were kids’ mom and dad took us out to the country and rented horses. Arnel loved it; he took naturally to the rhythm of the horse and rode as if he was born to it. I was not so good, the horses’ steps jarred me on every trot, I preferred to watch Arnel when he rode instead. I pretended that he was a knight and I his spy, watching for anything that would trip him up on the massive mount, though he never knew of my imaginary fantasy.

When Vaimen was born, we stopped going to the country for rides, he was more fragile and we had less, so our trips became a walk to the park or some time with the neighbors or maybe we stayed home and played games. I don’t remember those times too well anymore.

I had managed to get myself on top of the chestnut mare while my mind wandered to happier times, pretending I was my brother all over again, pretending I was skilled in an area I was completely lost.

I looked up from the soft brown horse and up into the foreign sky streaked with lightning bolts of green slashed in random lines. It was so different from the clear blue of home, clouds almost never came to my town and the stars that I knew shined bright. Now clouds swirl around the breach and the stars are unrecognizable in the sky that threatens to bring tears to my eyes.

Before the tears started to build I looked back down to the three companions I had come to call friends, not the closest but I was working on that.

“Kesta, are you stable? Do you want to try riding around the farm?” I glanced over to the young woman who, to my knowledge, ran the stables; I think Dennet said her name was Seanna.

“I’ll go for a ride; I might take a tumble so keep watch please.” Cassandra nodded severely, and I took that as a yes so I started in a slow canter, begging the huge animal beneath me not to launch me into the mud in the river.

~*~*~*~*~*~

We were in and out of haven before I had a chance to get to the chantry; Val Royeaux was on our horizon now. We had been riding for about a week now and I couldn’t feel my thighs, I had no idea that riding for a long time would do that to my legs.

It was strange, riding a horse to get everywhere. Like I was living in a fantasy novel, but all the disgusting bits got left in. Like how I had to wash the dried blood out of my hair or how I found demon bits in the recess of my armor, or watching Cassandra butcher rabbits for us to eat, Thedas for the most part made me want to puke most of the time.

Not everything was terrible here though. I had a reason to be here, there was some purpose to have pulled me from earth, I don’t know if it wanted me per say but it got me and I’m going to do the best damn job of saving the world I can.

“Girly, do you see it?” I looked over to Varric, who seemed to be a permanent fixture to my side now, he was pointing up ahead and I did see what he wanted me to.

Val Royeaux was on the horizon, literally this time and it was unreal, it was as if you placed a castle in the middle of the woods, but instead of the woods eating the castle, it became a thriving jewel in the thickets. The huge white stone walls curved and twisted in a way no stone should have (which led me to believe mages did it) and there were streamers of vibrant reds and blues that hung from the towers.

Once we got closer I could see people bustling in and out if the magnificent drawbridge, all in vibrant colors and patterns of all kinds. Each of them had lives they were living, jobs that needed doing, children or parents they were going home to. It was strange to think I didn’t have anyone like that here, I had everyone.

When we finally entered the bejeweled city my jaw dropped, it was impeccably clean to the point that I thought there would be sparkles floating everywhere, but instead it was filled with people, a crowd to be more specific, in the center.

We approached with as much caution as one could in full armor and weaponry, and heard yells and jeers. It was a quickly forming angry mob, and from what I could hear it was directed at the inquisition, me more specifically.

“Here is the false prophet, claiming to rise where our Divine fell!” The mothers voice was filled with venom and spite, and her eyes were filled with a fire that could not be extinguished.

“I am not your enemy, the Breach is the real threat, please we shouldn’t fight, we need to unite to stop it.” I had been practicing on the trip in with Varric.

“It is true, the Inquisition seeks to end this madness before it is too late.” It seemed that Cassandra had the same level of feelings on this as I did.

“It is already too late, our Divine lies dead, and the Templars have returned to the chantry, and they will denounce you “inquisition for what it really is. The people will be safe once more!” The Mother wasn’t going to budge in favor of diplomacy, but before a true shouting match could start, I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and turned. Soldiers were approaching, most with their helmets still on. They were not here to help clearly. Three of the soldiers stormed the stage the mother was occupying.

The clear leader of the group gave a signal to one of the other soldiers on stage and without warning he slammed his fist into the unsuspecting mothers face, leaving her bleeding and crumpled at the leader’s feet. The third soldier stood and stared with the same expression of disbelief that the sisters behind him held, I was glad that not all of these soldiers took joy in beating helpless chantry women.

“Take no notice, she is beneath us.” His voice oozed slime and conceit as he spoke to the one who seemed to want to leave.

“We came here to talk and this is how you want to negotiate, punching chantry mothers?” My outrage was clear, I was almost spitting fire at this man, even if she was against the chantry, no one got anywhere with traps coated in honey, some fell in, but others were too smart and smelled the poison.

The man’s grey eyes settled onto me for the first time since he arrived, distain evident, but he didn’t speak to me his eyes slid to the ones next to me in the same fashion, as if there was no one of merit to argue with.

“Lord Seeker Lucius, we must speak with the Templars it is-“

“You will not address me.” Cassandra stood open mouthed and in shock, clearly, she knew this man at one point, but he was not the man she once knew.

“Lord Seeker?” The second time she spoke seemed to be more for herself than asking the Lord Seeker anything.

“You have created a heretical movement, raising up a puppet to be Andraste’s Herald, You should be ashamed for this blight among the seekers. You have failed, you who would leash our righteous swords to a cause that mongers fear and seeps doubt. The Templars have failed no one when we took up our sacred duty to purge the apostate mages; if you came to appeal to the chantry, you are too late. The only authority that should be respected is mine.” I stood in shock, what was that, was he just here to spew this?

“If you’re not here to help the chantry, you’re just here to make speeches?” I couldn’t disguise my disgust for the man, but the young soldier behind seemed to be growing a backbone at an alarming rate.

“I came to see what frightens old women, and to laugh in its face.”

“But, Lord Seeker, what… what if she really was sent by the maker? What-“ Before the soldier could finish his rebellion The Lord Seeker turned his ‘righteous’ fury on his recruit.

“You are called to a higher purpose, we have been called to a higher purpose, do not question me. I will shape the Templar into a power that stands alone in the face of the void. We deserve recognition, we deserve independence! You have proven nothing to me, and the inquisition, less than nothing. Templars, Val Royeaux is not worthy of our protection, March!” I stared in horror as the insane man led his sheep out, and tried to figure out what the hell was wrong with the Templars.

“He was just charming wasn’t he?” I chuckled a little but looked over to Cassandra who seemed lost in thought.

“Has the Lord Seeker gone mad?” She seemed to be in her own world when she spoke, as if she saw a ghost and it told her to shut up.

“I take it he’s not normally like that?”

“No, he took over the seekers two years ago after the seeker I trained under passed, but he was always a decent man, not one to give into temptation or grandstanding. This is very strange.” She lifted her hand to her face, as if she were going to start to bite her nails but refrained.

“Do you think the Templars can be reached still, or is it a moot point?” She glanced at me, a little confused at my colloquium but she didn’t question it.

“There must be those in the order that do not feel the way the Lord Seeker does, one of those he brought was full of doubt already, there may be more, but we should return to haven soon.”

“Seeker! Leave now, but Girly here has yet to see the rest of Val Royeaux, and I see a messenger approaching.” Varric gestured behind me, and I was signaled with a tenor from the man.

“Herald?” I gave a curt nod, wanting to know who was sending me a message, he handed me the letter and was off in a blink.

The letter was stamped with a beautiful filigree flower stamped into silver wax; it was an invitation to a soiree being held by a Madam De Fer. I slipped the invite into my pouch and kept forward for the gate but quickly I was stopped again.

This time an arrow was shot at my feet, which sent me straight on my ass out of shock. I stared at the red feather sticking out of the end with a note wrapped onto the shaft with a red thread. Slowly I stood and grabbed it looking back at my companions, who had left my immediate side and started to wander the market.

Varric was off near a woman in a stall, clearly telling some exciting story with his hand waving and stilling in a manner that said he was talking about the Temple of Sacred Ashes, and Solas was sitting near the fountain. It looked like he was meditating so I left him to his business. Cassandra was another matter; she was at another stall hunched over something almost as if she were ashamed of whatever she wanted to buy.

I decided I was going to take executive action and read the arrow letter, though I did with trepidation, I don’t know if anthrax exists here, but you can never be too careful.

The letter was, well strange was really the only word to describe it. The borders were covered in doodles of arrows and soldiers dying dead or running from them, and some flowers thrown in for effect? The writing was large and loopy like a child’s and the words were childlike too, baddies? A scavenger quest? Well, with my companions indisposed, I was alone, and it seemed that this should be easy.

~*~*~*~*~*~

It was not easy; the pieces of red cloth were hidden in the most inopportune places, under a table with people having lunch, a pile of dead fish and the last was hidden on some women’s balcony, a lady who did not appreciate me climbing over her ferns and amaryllis, but I got all the info the letter sent me for, with the poorly scribbled map.

Someone was working against the inquisition; I was being watched and followed, for what reason I couldn’t fathom other than to destroy the inquisition from the hand, my hand.

I rounded up my party quickly after I read all the clues, all leading to a courtyard far off to the side of the markets. The plan they were assembling, well I didn’t know what it was but I knew they were meeting at night in a secluded corner.

“Kesta, is this the place the note mentioned?” Solas cautiously looked around as he made his way to my side.

“Yeah, but not till midnight. We’ve got to wait until then, is there an inn nearby Varric?” The dwarf snapped his head up to me, his hands busy with papers, shuffling them while muttering about an editor.

“Yes, I think it’s near the café.” I looked up into the sky and saw the sun almost straight above me, thankfully the sun was mostly the same here otherwise I really would be completely lost.

We made our way to the opulent inn, almost lethargically. We didn’t need to hurry so I let my companions lead the way, and in turn my mind finally had the dreaded time to wander. It happened a lot back on earth, I would find a tangent and my mind would take it to eleven and I would be out of control to stop it.

This time I treaded on my own mortality, a dangerous tripwire to walk for me but one that sank into my brain until death was screaming at me as loud as it could begging for me to me him, to take the easy way out. This conversation with myself reared its ugly head now but with another angle to attack at. What would happen to me when I closed the Breach, would it swallow me like I thought it would on my first attempt, or would I be sent back to live a half-life, constantly missing the magic of Thedas.

Maybe I would be stuck here, with a hole in my soul the size of my brothers to match that of my parents, left here to fix whatever mess is left over from the Breach or maybe even to just live the simpler life, the simpler life that has made me wish for little other than the need to speak to my brothers one last time. I had hoped, before I fell into Thedas, to visit them.

It had been six years since I saw either of them last, and it was my own damn fault. I left, after mom and dad died Arnel had just graduated college and I had just turned eighteen. Vaimen had just started high school, so Arnel and I took over as mom and dad, Arnel went and got a job at a law firm and I a cashier, then the next year a waitress too. Vaimen didn’t know what was going on underneath, and neither did I really.

Arnel was making more money than he had told me he was, I found out the year Vai graduated. I couldn’t contain myself when I discovered his W2 from the year prior I was tempted to shred it, it and all of his clothing.

I thought for a long time, it was my day off and I was waiting for Arn to get back, maybe he got a raise and was waiting to tell me when I got home, as a nice surprise. Maybe he was lying.

We screamed at each other through the night. We brought up everything the other did wrong after mom and dad, I can’t remember what his excuses were, I can’t remember what my accusations were any more, but when we had exhausted ourselves, I remember. Vai finally got home, the door stood open and my poor baby brother was staring at his older siblings growing to hate each other.

I left that night. I didn’t care where I went or if I ever came back. I didn’t leave an address or number. It was my birthday, I turned twenty-one.

~*~*~*~*~*~

We all had different rooms, it seemed that Varric had a reputation and a regular room for himself, so he had the innkeeper set up three more for all of us, but what I wouldn’t give to have to share with Cassandra or Solas, not the silence of isolation again.

I was sitting in mine, just sitting. I didn’t know what to do; I wasn’t tired, not like I was the first few weeks. No, now my mind could scream my mistakes in a silent room, god I wish there was a mini-bar in here, or just a bottle of wine or tequila, that was the go to for me back on earth.

I couldn’t sleep here, I would just sit or lay on the plush bed and stare at the celling thinking things that I never wanted to think about again, or just blank nothing, I preferred the blankness.

So there I sat, in the insufferable silence trying my best no to think of how I was so completely alone in this world when a small knock came at my door, so soft I almost didn’t hear it. I padded my way over and saw Cassandra standing with a small book in her hands and her eyes downcast to the floor.

“Cassandra, can you not sleep either?” My voice was rough like I had been asleep, but she shook her head and looked me in the eyes, it wasn’t the first time I noticed that she was taller than I was.

“No, Kesta, can I come in please.” I stared and moved aside but words were escaping me, Cassandra meek and nervous, this was a side of her I had never seen before.

“Kesta, Varric told me… He told me that you couldn’t read.” Once again, I was in shock, but Cassandra started up before I could get words to fall out of my mouth again. “I’m sorry Kesta, if I had of known I would have helped you as well, but this is for you. It was the book I used when I learned the kings tongue, I hope it helps you too.” Cassandra seemed to want a strike on how many times she could make me speechless in one conversation.

“Thank you; I don’t know what to say other than thank you.” She held the small book over to me with an almost reverent gesture, and I took gentle hold of the small leather bound book, trees embossed along the edges and dogs playing on the cover, along with some of the letters that I couldn’t recognize, but they were short.

When I looked back up at Cassandra, she was standing in the same spot, a faint smile on her face as she watched me run my fingers over the cover and spine.

“Do you want to help me read it?” Her eyes widened and a real smile broke out across her face and she nodded.

We spent the rest of the time we were supposed to be napping reading the Tale of The Magical Mabari. It was a simple book, but it was cute. Cassandra sat with me the entire time patiently correcting my errors with kind and soft words. We read it slowly, each page taking much longer than I wanted it to, but the time flowed like a river in spring and before I knew it the moon was high in the sky and a knock came at my door.

“Can we finish this later, tomorrow maybe?” Cassandra just gave a faint smile and nodded, she stood and left the room for her own, but she quickly returned to the hall with her weapon and shield strapped and secured to her.

“Ready to find this guy Girly?” Varric was holding on to Bianca, his hands lovingly caressing the handle before he slung it onto his back.

“Oh yeah, let’s get going. It’s not like he’s going to wait around for us to crash his party.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to post yesterday! I'm so sorry, I try to keep to the Monday and Thursday to post them, but life gets in the way sometimes!


	6. You're Crazy Right?

I was nervous as my party and I walked into the silent courtyard. The silent garden set something off in my mind that was screaming danger over and over again. It made me hesitate when I heard the shuffling of feet around the corner and I held my arm up to halt Cassandra at my side,

There were people here, more than I was warned about, but they were in the way, I glanced around the corner trying to stay in the ivy, and saw three soldier standing on the stairs not really doing their jobs of guarding the gate to the rest of the garden.

It was now or never, if we waited for too long they would see us eventually and at the moment we had an advantage. Varric caught my eye when I turned to look back at the troop I had brought with me, and waved to his back, and I nodded.

The battle began in the moment Varric shot the first bolt from Bianca, and a scream form one of the men signaled the others, and in that moment Cassandra and I dashed out from our corner at the same time dashing towards the two left on the lower level, Cassandra on the left and I went right, like two stone lions come to life to protect their land from trespassers.

We attacked in tandem once I hit, Cassandra was quick to follow after, slashing at her enemy with the ferocity of a hungry animal. I looked back to the man I was fighting just in time to see him take a slash at my stomach, but his aim was off so all he hit was the hard iron of the armor.

It was still hard for me to fight, to kill, people. The man in front of me had a life, the same as Varric or me; he was just doing what he was paid to do. I didn’t want to kill him, but his next attack made me need to.

The soldier looked over to where the crossbow bolts were being sent from, trying to figure out where Varric was and when he did I took my axe and swung, hitting the man in the back as he dashed for my only friends in this world.

He fell in that moment, fast and hard with the great axe sunken into his back, letting out a disgusting noise of death. I tried to take a breath, then another in a vain attempt to staunch the burning feeling scratching its way out of me. I’d done it again, back home I would be a mass murderer, I would be in jail and on the way to death from a needle, but here it was just life.

“Girly, you good to keep moving?” My eyes flashed open, Varric was on his way over to me, Bianca on his back and worry in his eyes. My hand made their way to my face, and I finally noticed that I was shaking; all of me was trembling like a leaf, from the fear that I would be imprisoned for the crime that didn’t exist as much here.

“Yeah, I’m, well I’m good to keep going.” I left of the ‘for now’ that was on my lips. I needed to keep it together, there was someone here trying to destroy the inquisition, I didn’t have time for my moral quandaries.

We passed the filigree arch into the second courtyard, this part of the garden was more ornate than the rest, the flowers on the side were so vibrant and the ivy on the walls crawled almost to the top of the pillars. If I weren’t hunting someone in here I would want to stay as long as possible, it was so serene, like a secret. The only thing that jarred the fairytale image was the short man in the middle of the courtyard.

When the masked man finally saw me and my party of misfits following behind he snarled and without hesitation, he shot fire out of his hands. I stared at the fire for a second before I felt a tug at my neck pulling me back behind the corner.

“The Herald of Andraste? How interesting, tell me what did it take to discover me, hmm? It must have weakened the inquisition beyond belief.” I was still catching my breath and thanking Cassandra when he started to speak, he knew who I was, now I just needed to know who he was. I stepped back around the corner and looked at him, but with the mask I couldn’t tell if I had met him before.

“I have no idea who you are.” The small man’s head snapped over to me, as if it was in insult not to be known.

“Don’t try to fool me; I am too important for this to be an accident! My actions will create victories against the inquisition long after I am gone.” I was sure that I had the most confused expression, but I wouldn’t have to worry about answering because there was a commotion being made further into the garden.

There was a new soldier falling in the arch, a young woman behind him reading her next shot at the man in front of me.

“Just say what!” I stared at the young woman, her arrow not shaking as she held it aimed and a smile on her blood stained face.

“What do you-” An arrow found the man’s face the second after he had said the taboo word. The woman smirked at me and put the simple longbow on her back. She almost bounced as she approached me, her choppy hair not quite lining up with itself, she was like the manic-pixy-dream-girl of this world.

“Ugh, Squishy, but you hear me right? Just say what. The rich ones always want for more than they deserve. Going on and on, blah blah blah ‘obey me’ blah blah.” The elven woman tore the arrow out of the man’s face as she chatted then finally looked at me. “You followed the notes well enough, and you’re well you’re glowy right? That’s the important part.” She gave me a once over as she spoke, looking up and down, but her eyes didn’t settle anywhere.

“So, were you the one who sent me the warning, with the arrow?”

“Yeah, I mean, you’re the Herald thing right?” I glanced down at the green mark that faintly glowed, it wasn’t spreading anymore but every once in a while I got a pulse from it.

“Some people call me that, not that I want them too, who are you though, and what did he want?” She glanced at the man once more and shrugged.

“I don’t know him from manners, but my people said he was up to somethin’ and the inquisition needed to take a look.” Her people?

“Who are your people, elves, archers?” She shook her head forcefully, blonde hair flying in strings around her face but not her eyes and giggled.

“No silly, people people! You know, I’m Sera, and you should get behind some cover.”

“What, are we in danger?” She laughed again and shook her head.

“Nah, don’t worry I was tipped their equipment shed. They’ve got no breeches!” She cackled and notched another arrow pointed to the arch she entered from.

Seconds later the aforementioned soldiers started to ‘storm’ the gardens, only they were without pants. I couldn’t hold back my laughter; neither could Varric as I heard his booming laughter from my rear.

Sera let loose arrows with cackling laughter at speeds that almost matched Bianca, the pants less soldiers screamed and charged, but Varric and Sera took them down before Cassandra and I could even stop laughing.

“Friends really came through huh, no breeches.” She giggled again thinking about the pants-less soldiers again. She looked me over again, her eyes roving the haft (Harritt was teaching me what went into my axe, something about knowing the weapon to wield it.) of the axe, then over my heavy armor. “So Herald of Andraste, you’re strange for sure, but I’d like to join up!”

I stared at the willful young woman, blood still spattered all over her. She could be useful, that was for sure, and I liked her attitude, so similar to one of my co-workers that I almost said yes then and there.

“How about we get to know each other for a sec, names and such.” She gave me the strangest look for a moment before she answered, as if no one had asked her that.

“Two names, well one but the other is important too. It’s like this; I sent you the note telling you to look for things hidden by my friends, The Friends of Red Jenny. That’s me, well I’m one, so’s a fence in Montfort, some lady in Kirkwall, I think some brothers in Starkhaven.” She wrung her hands as she continues, not looking at me but looking at her feet. She looked back and up into my eyes, hers grey and imploring, trying to get me to understand.

“It’s just a name, yeah. It lets little people be a part of something, while sticking it to some noble they hate. Here, in your face, I’m Sera. ‘The Friends of Red Jenny’ are out there, anywhere, everywhere. I used them to help you, plus arrows, you know.” People like me, well me before I got stuck in Thedas, someone who wanted to do something but had no power of their own.

“The little people, right?” The smile that spread across her face was wider than any I’d seen so far on her face, and she nodded vigorously. “How can they help us though?”

“They’re everywhere, in the study listenin, or watching. This guy was taken down by a torn scrap of paper and a red sock, stolen by someone who couldn’t read it. All they knew was something bad was happening, and they needed to do something.” I had already said yes in my mind before she had even started explaining.

She was an anachronism. She shouldn’t be here, so different from Solas or Mineave and yet far too similar to Mari, the ray of sunshine on a cash register. I needed her more than I needed muscle or spies. I needed something familiar in this strange world.

“I think the inquisition would be better with you and your ‘friends.’”

“Yeah! Get in good before you lose you breeches! Plus extra since I have all these extra, you have merchants for all this shit right? Anyway, I’ll travel with you till we get back to Haven, this’ll be grand.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Sera brought a cheer to the group that Varric did not hold, the unending bright smile and quick wit was the same as Mari.

Mari was my only friend at Macky’s, her cash register was next to mine so during the slower times she would make jokes or sing out of tune along with the radio to cheer me up.

She was the only friend I had at work that was an actual friend. We went out for lunch and when we got the same days off we hung out. I miss her more every day, but now Sera was here, and it made me miss Mari more.

Not that Sera was annoying, she just wasn’t Mari, the same as how Thedas wasn’t earth, like apples and cosmic fusion. She was a ray of spiteful sunshine, pranking Varric and I before we even got out of Orlais.  
It took us a while to get back to haven, probably longer than the trek to Val Royeaux, but the monstrous green sky was back directly above our heads once more.

“Shite, that’s really big.” I glanced over to Sera; her eyes were glued to the Breach. I forgot she had only seen it from afar in Orlais, and it was a sight that left me staring too,

“Yeah, and we’re going to close it.” I looked back to her, still staring up at the sky. She eventually looked back to me and smiled, I gave a wave to Varric who was already heading to his place by the fire, and started on my way back to the chantry.

Sera was oddly quiet as we moved through, watching the soldiers and villagers mill around in the shadow of almost certain doom, ignoring the apocalyptic sign from above to live as normally as possible. It was strange, I never saw many of them look up to it; they mostly kept their eyes to the ground.

The chantry came into view up over the hill and I saw a crowd starting to amass getting bigger and louder, though it wasn’t for me being there. Their voices all wove together as they yelled at each other, I couldn’t understand any of their words, just the fact that this was about a huge fight.

I started to make my way to the center to figure out what the fight was about, but before I could Cullen made his way out of the chantry and started to reprimand the two who had apparently started the fight. It was about the Divines death, not the fact that this was a heretical movement or anything.

As I approached, so did Chancellor Rodrick, but his words were much more cruel than mine, but I would see Cullen later, and at the moment I didn’t want to fight with the chancellor. So I made my way into the chantry, to be met with the other two thirds of the triad.

“It’s good to see you’ve returned. We have heard about what happened.” Josephine smiled when she said the first part, but was very serious about the second, as if she were the disappointed mother of the inquisition.

“Really, already?” Cassandra said the very thing I thought, but Leliana quickly explained everything.

“Yes, my scouts reported ahead of you, they arrived two days ago.”

“It is a shame the Templars were out of their senses.” Cullen had apparently finished arguing with the chancellor and was coming up to my side.

“Yeah, but now we know that the chantry won’t help, at least.” My hand came up to rub the other, I had already decided I wanted to help the Templars, something was wrong and I wanted to know what.

“We received an invitation to speak with the mages in Redcliffe as well; we may want to look into them for another option.”

“There is something strange going on with the Templars, the Lord Seeker in not the man I knew.”

“Indeed, my sources told me he has moved the order somewhere else entirely, and to do what? It is indeed very odd.”

“I think we should see what is wrong with the Templars.” The three of them stared at me in silence. It was something in me that said something was so very wrong with Lucius, and I needed to find out what it was.

“I agree, what could the Lord Seeker be up to.” I breathed a sigh of relief; Cassandra seemed to be on my side on this.

“We still shouldn’t discount the mages in Redcliffe. They could still be a valuable asset.”

“They may be powerful, but they are more dangerous than you realize.” I glanced over to Cassandra, trying to keep up with the fast-paced debate.

“Do you think the invite is a trap?” I had thought, a few times on our way back, that maybe both sides were trying to trap the inquisition. That the Templars wanted to arrest us and the mages wanted our stage.

“What if some of the mages may have been responsible for what happened at the conclave?”

“The very same could be said of the Templars.”

“True enough, though I'm not sure we can even approach either yet. We still don’t have enough influence or men.” I stared at Cullen as he contemplated; hand on mouth and thought as well. We would never get anywhere as what we were right now.

“The inquisition needs more agents, more allies. That’s something you can help with Kesta.” Cassandras words brought me out of my reprieve.

“What, me?” I felt stupid when a chuckle escaped everyone around me.

“Yes, you have the mark. People will flock to you.” Leliana’s songbird voice trilled with mirth as she smiled innocently at me.

“You already did it once, with Sera.” I looked back to Cassandra, she was right. Sera sought me out because of it and the chantry disowned me because of it.

“In the meantime, we will consider other options.” The triad dispersed in seconds to their rooms, and I stood in shock, not seeing one leg had stayed behind.

“There is another matter.” I glanced over to Leliana, her poker face had fallen, and she almost looked worried. “Several months ago the Grey Wardens of Ferelden disappeared. I sent word to the ones in Orlais, but they have also vanished. I once… ordinarily I couldn’t think they would be involved but, the timing is… curious.” I stared at the woman, clearly, she was worried.

“That is strange.”

“Yes, and two days ago I just received word that there was a warden in the Hinterlands that goes by Blackwall.”

“I’ll look into him.”

“Thank you.” I was left alone for the most part, there were others in the chantry but I had only my thoughts to keep me company.

There was still so much to do; I needed to recruit more people that could really help the inquisition. Sera was helping me, but at the moment, she was only one person. I needed some companies to contract.

The air of the chantry was something else, even if I didn’t believe that I was sent by the Maker, I couldn’t deny that there was something spiritual in the holy ground. It was like static energy, strengthening the faith of those who came to worship, and making me feel like there were buried power lines underneath Haven. The energy made me want to move my room into the chantry, but also sun as far as possible away, it was as if there was a bomb and I was the only one who knew it was there.

The chantry was truly enchanting, I could spend hours starring at the minimal stained glass, hidden up top, when the sun hit it just right, I could just sit and watch the colors move across the floor all day. Even though the furnishing was a little bleak it suited the humble building. It was homey.

I looked up one last time to the soaring rafters before I headed out of the chantry and saw a raven leave through the front doors. A smile broke my face for a moment, and I headed out.

The snow blinded me each time I exited the building. This time though there was someone there who needed me, for something, I heard a voice to my left and blinked until the world came back into view.

“Excuse me. I’ve been trying to get someone to talk to me for a while now, can you help me?” The smooth voice came from a clean cut young man, waving me over.

“No one’s helped you? What do you need?” There needed to be some better customer service here, what if he wanted to join and all he got was stonewalled.

“Well we’ve gotten word of Tevinter Mercenaries on the Storm Coast, My Company’s commander The Iron Bull offers the information free of charge. If you’d like to see what the chargers can do for the inquisition, come and see us in action.” We really needed better customer service; this was exactly what we needed when we needed it, mercenaries.

“Thank you for letting me know, the inquisition needed all the help it can get.” The young soldier nodded and headed out.

I had my mission, recruit the band of mercenaries and chew out the ones in charge of recruiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your kudos!


	7. How Did No One Tell Me?

It was raining on the Storm Coast when we arrived, which I was told is normal, but it was not normal. The raindrops fell fat and hard on our heads and the wind was gusting the downpour in every direction. So far, this was the worst place in Thedas we had been to so far.

We had only been in the storm for a short while, but all of us were soaked through. Cassandra’s short hair, along with my own, was plastered to her face and her cloths hung limp around her.

Varric and Solas weren’t any for the better. Varric was in the same boat as Cassandra and I with his hair and clothes, but he had it worse on his boots. They were soaked and covered in sticky mud. Solas may not have had hair but he was probably twice as heavy as before from his soaked robes.

So far, this trip was a clusterfuck. We got lost on our way in from the hinterlands, and were caught by a family of bears, all wanting to tear us apart. Then the storm started when we arrived at the coast and hasn’t let up at all, but here we were soaked and ready to leave.

Scout Harding was as disheveled as Varric and I, her regularly tight bun was in wisps and falling out around her shoulders, but her briefing about the coast was spot on as always. The chargers were apparently a little farther along the coast, either fighting the Venatori or waiting for us to arrive.

I was excited, I was about to recruit the first team of mercenaries for the inquisition and I could barely contain my excess energy. It was as if I was going to burst, nothing could relieve the movement that I needed to go through other than working myself to the bone or have the event I was stressing about happen.

My feet slipped and slid along the slope leading down to the actual coast, but we made it down not clear of mud from the knee up. The storm coast was beautiful, and it reminded me of home just a little. The grey skies above and the wind whipping at my face, it all made me want to bottle it and keep this feeling in my heart.

All too soon though I was brought back to the reality that I was currently in by the sounds of fighting not far off, I glanced around and spotted, who I assumed, were the chargers and their leader.

There was a man with horns, and not just little bumps coming out of his head, like full on bullhorns sticking out of his head. That and he was about a full two heads taller than anyone he was currently fighting, and oh boy was he fighting. His great axe swung around with practiced ease, hitting Venatori on every swing. When he wasn’t swinging the huge weapon around the shaft swung, blocking would be attacks to his allies.

In a second I swung around and stared Varric dead in his eyes, and instead of a joke like usual he stood and shrugged.

“I never thought we’d meet a Qunari girly, and well, I thought ruffles would have told you about ‘em.” There was a small hint of something else in his, oh so innocent smile, but I let it go. Now was not the time to fight my own allies when the giant horned man just ahead was in such control of his battlefield.

I wanted to wait for the battle to finish so I could compose myself to talk to the leader, but before the chargers had finished off the Venatori they were currently fighting, Cassandra grabbed my arm and pointed out another making its way to the chargers.

I glanced back at the impressive fighters and then back to Cassandra, and with a solemn nod, we dashed to the in-coming Venatori.

The battle was quick and, well surprising for me. I had been in Thedas what, maybe a month and a half, but I was already getting stronger. I could hold my great axe for extended periods and not shake, and my swings were stronger too, it was surreal.

I glanced back to where the chargers had been fighting, but they had finished their battle two. I stood staring over to that side of the beach for perhaps too long, but eventually I plucked up the courage to go talk to the mythical horned man.

I glanced around as we walked through at the other members of the chargers, and quickly found the one person I had met out of the strangers. Krem was standing beside the, what was it Varric had called him, oh yeah the Qunari. As we approached the mercenary band, a few began to ready their weapons to fight again, but were stilled by their leader.

“Stand down, chargers.” With the small order, the rest of the team went back to what they were doing, and so did Krem and the leader. “How’d we do Krem?” I caught the soft tone in his query; clearly, he cared about his team with the kind voice and the protection during the battle. It seemed that I had a second person that I was ready to recruit before they had really said anything.

“No dead, four or five injuries but were good.” I glanced at the others around, and saw a few faces with bruises blooming and a few arms with cuts and burns but Krem was right, it was beyond clear who the winners of the fight were.

“Good, good, once the throat-cutters finish up break out the casks, a little celebration is in order.” His voice was smooth and low as he spoke but still bright and full of mirth. I wanted so badly to know this man and what made him tick so close to those I missed.

As I started to walk up his eyes-eye, snapped to me approaching and for a moment I thought I was in the gaze of a dragon. His gaze, even if it was lopsided, was piercing and it was as if he was looking into my soul and discovering what I was.

“You’re the inquisition right, Glad you could make it. Grab a seat, drinks will be coming in a minute.” God, how long had it been since I had a good drink to help me forget. The large man started over to the nearest boulder, and sat his enormous form in a move of fluidity that was a heel-faced-turn from his earlier movements.

“You must be the leader of the chargers.” He nodded, and glanced over to his other members and jerked his head for one to come over. “I assume you remember my lieutenant.” Krem just nodded at me, and I back at him before he addressed his leader.

“Good to see you again, Throat-cutters are done chief.”

“Already? Have them go check again, don’t want any of those Tevinter bastards getting up and terrorizing again, no offence Krem.” I glanced over to the young soldier, his face impassive showing no expression that it had even affected him.

“None taken, least a bastard knew who bore him right, puts ‘em up one on you Qunari right.” The hulking Qunari before me just chuckled and waved Krem off, all in good fun apparently.

“So, you’ve seen us in a fight. We’re expensive –but worth it. I’m sure your ambassador can manage the funds.” His face changed just a fraction, holding the mask of an excellent sales man –the kind that manage to sell you out of house and home and you still felt as if you got the better deal. I needed to be careful around this man.

“But what will you guys cost exactly?” He let out a hefty chuckle and looked me back in the eye with his one piercing one.

“It won’t cost you anything personally, unless of course you intend on buying us all drinks later. Like I said, we would go through your ambassador, what was her name again… ah! Josephine, she would set up the payments, if you hire us.” He was smart too, he knew Josephine’s name and the fact she was our ambassador. “Gold takes care of itself. All that matters is that were worth it.”

“The chargers do seem to be an excellent company.” They certainly were, they finished off their group far faster than we had, that and it seemed to have a chess master for a chief.

“Yeah, they are. If you hire us though you won’t just be getting them, you’ll be getting me too. You need a front line bodyguard, the seeker is good but you need more. You need me, for whatever attacks next –demons, dragons, the bigger the better.” I take back what I said, I had never met a salesman like him before, he could charm me out of my soul if I could give it to him.

I stared at the one eyes monolithic man, who despite all visual cues was by far the smartest man I had met in Thedas so far, he had planned this all out, even the second wave of Venatori was anticipated, and so were we.

He stood as he began to speak again, his hulking shoulders almost as wide as the boulder he had been sitting on before. “There is one other thing, might be useful, might piss you off.” He paused for a moment, not looking at me before he began again.

“Have you ever heard of the Ben-Hassrath?” It took everything in my power to tell him that I didn’t even know what a Qunari was before I had met him.

“No, I can’t say that I have.” I tried to angel the answer so that Varric could hear me from his place mingling among the chargers, but he took no notice of my comment.

“It’s a Qunari order, deals with information, loyalty, security, the whole area. Spies in the smallest words.” He paused for a moment mulling over continuing. “Or well, we’re spies.” I once again stared at him, no wonder he was so smart, it was his job to be, I was speechless though at the fact that he just told me he was a spy, wasn’t that breaking spy rule number one, don’t tell anyone you’re a spy?

“The Ben-Hassrath don’t like so much magic out of control, caused trouble for everyone, they’re starting to get worried. I’ve been ordered to help the inquisition, get close to the ones in charge and send reports back, but I also get reports from the Ben-Hassrath all around Orlais. You hire me, you get the reports too.” I stood there dumbfounded; he just…told me everything.

“So, you’re a spy, and you just told me? Isn’t that like the opposite of what you’re supposed to do?” He let out a bark of laughter, letting it roll over his shoulders in a wave of mirth.

“And risk getting found out by an organization called the inquisition? I’d get found out pretty soon after I joined.”

“So, what would be in the reports we get back?” I was trying to vet the people that joined the inquisition a little better after Cassandra yelled at me for just telling Sera to join without finding out what she could offer beforehand.

“A little bit of everything, enemy movements, gossip, some suspicions activities. Not much by themselves, but if your spymaster is worth a damn she’ll be able to use them.” He did plan everything, he knew Josephine was our ambassador and our spymaster was a girl.

“How’d you know?” He blinked his singular eye almost owlishly, but gave a toothy smile a moment later, almost like an alligator about to strike. 

“I like to do a little research on my own, plus I’ve always had a weakness for redheads.” He still had the wide smile plastered on his face, but his eye, it was like a reflecting pool of unknown, every moment it shows something different from the one before.

“What would your reports back say?”

“Nothing that would compromise your operations, just enough to make my superiors happy. The Qunari want to know if they need to send out an invasion to keep the world from falling apart completely. You let me send word of what you’re doing, and it’ll put some minds at ease a little.” So, he was a spy, only he sent back just the minimum of what kept his people happy? It seemed to be a little backwards but I wouldn’t turn down help.

“You’re in.” Once the words were out of my mouth another wide grin spread across his face, and a in a surge of movement he was on his feet and swaggering towards his liutenient.

“Krem! Tell the men to finish up on the road, the chargers just got hired!” He bellowed, his voice traveling probably much further than our small camp.

“Chief, what about the casks? We just opened them, with axes.” Krem stretched out his words, playing around with the long pauses and smirks.

“We could join you in getting all that drunk. We can camp here, or well near the camp up there.” His head swiveled around to me again, an unreadable expression settled onto his face.

“Girly, that was your best idea yet!” I glanced over; Varric had made his way over to me at some point and was smiling at the casks that sat not far away, as if they were the nicest bed he’d ever seen.

“That is a good plan Herald.” I glanced over to Cassandra who had started to approach after the chargers had started to clean up.

“Wait, you’re the Herald?” Krem had butted in when he heard the unwanted title fall from her lips, the incredulity clear and his eyes bugged, almost like they were going to fall out.

“No, I just have the thing. I'm not a Herald of anything.” The scoff that came out of her mouth was a telling sign that I would be getting another lesson about keeping up appearances.

“I knew there was something off about you!” The massive Qunari barked out a peal of laughter, shaking his hulking form with mirth, with another shit-eating grin spread wide on his face. “Not a soldier, but not a noble either.”

“Yeah, I'm just the person in the middle of everything with a mark on her hand. That’s all.” I earned some more chuckles with that one, but the rest of the party had started to thin, some going to the camp on the hill, and others reveling in the alcohol that had started to flow. The leader of the chargers and his lieutenant still stood next to me, as if awaiting something else.

“I’d like it if you guys wouldn’t call me the Herald, Cassandra insists but, well you heard how I feel about it.” I kept my voice low so the others couldn’t hear, but the two near did.

“Sure, you’re the boss uh…boss.” A giggle eked out before I could clamp my mouth shut; they didn’t know my name. I had lost my nametag at one point, probably the first day I ‘arrived’ but now I wasn’t being called by strangers anymore, nor did I hear my name often. I never thought I would miss it. “Oh yeah, sorry, I'm Kesta.”

“Nice to be working for you Kesta.” There was a gentle smile on his face now as he looked down at me, his one eye holding the same gentleness, as if he understood not wanting a title.

“I don’t think I know your name?” He stared at me, blank as a sheet of paper for one second before smiling again.

“The Iron Bull.”

His smile was really nice.

~*~*~*~*~

The camp was like a party I never went to that night, the chargers brought the booze and the scouts had the tents and food. Some scouts had been grabbed and were dancing to the out of tune singing that erupted from the drunkards. Everyone was reveling in the merriment of being hired.

Everyone it seemed, but me. Cassandra had sequestered me along with Scout Harding, who had so kindly told me her name was Lace, to talk about the missing scouts that had been sent out earlier that week.

“We’ll check it out tomorrow; I want to see how The Iron Bull is in battle with us.” Cassandra didn’t say anything, but her hawk like eyes focused on me like I was the only food in the world.

Lace nodded and stood, her small form lithe and quick as she moved silently out of the tent, the flap barely moving when she left. I was alone with Cassandra, and soon her chastising rebukes.

“Kesta, do you truly not believe that you are the Herald?” Her soft came unexpectedly, saying words I couldn’t imagine asking another. She wasn’t looking at me but her hands that had been clasped in her lap.

“Not really, I mean I kind of feel like I got in the way of who was supposed to be though. I feel like it was a mistake that I was here.” She met my gaze now, but she didn’t look like she was going to challenge what I thought and with a quick nod she dropped the topic starting to stand. I needed something of her before she left the tent though.

“Hey Cassandra, I need a favor.” She gave a small nod and sat back down on the cushion. “I, well this is going to sound trivial, but I need a haircut.” This time it was me who couldn’t meet her eyes, my own falling to the map sitting on the table.

“Of course.” She stood and started to search for something in her pack, grabbing something small before making her way back over. “I keep this for when my own gets too long.” She held the razor without the normal confidence she held. “I’m not very good though, it will be uneven.”

“Cassandra, thank you.” She blinked rapidly for a moment before softly smiling and motioning for me to turn around.

I needed a cut long before I fell into Thedas, my hair had just started to inch down my eyebrows when I looked at myself in the cabin, but now the once pixie-cut was almost to my nose and fell into my face far too often for the fighting we did every day.

I sat for a while in silence while Cassandra slid the razor across my hair, chopping to shorter and shorter until it sat no more than a few inches were left. I wanted to hug Cassandra.

“Do you want no hair, or is this good.” She stepped back for a second to let me feel what she had done, her expression holding nothing but nerves about my hair.

“This is absolutely perfect Cassandra.” I tried to give her the most winning smile that I could, to show I really meant it. She still looked like she ate an egg whole though.

I glanced around for something that reflected until she handed me a small pocket mirror no larger than my palm, her cheeks pink and eyes not meeting mine.

She was right about the unevenness, but it didn’t affect the look, I was fresh again, and that was all that mattered. My mousy hair stuck up randomly and laid flat in other places, and now the short hair sat sticking in every direction but my eyes. It was perfect, utilitarian and cute.

“Really Cassandra, you did perfect, thank you.” I handed the blushing woman back her mirror as she composed herself. I was awarded another small smile before her stoic line settled back in place and she left.

My fingers ran absentmindedly through my hair again, feeling the spiky ends stabbing into my palms, it was calming doing something from back home again. I was the me that was meant to be, I had to be otherwise what was the use of me being here?

A shaky inhale echoed in the empty tent, bringing me back to reality again, my hands frozen running along my head. I had to get out of this tent of isolation and nostalgia.

I burst out of the tent as if I was running from a demon hidden in the corner, my pulse was racing matching my breathing, memories were scarier to me now than anything else.

“Hey Boss.” The deep baritone caught me off guard, my head spinning around to see The Iron Bull standing right behind me. I tried to calm myself, take a deep breath like mom used to tell me but my hands clasped in-front of my chest were my lungs at the moment.

He was standing so relaxed, his hands holding each other as he leaned on the pole that held my tent up, as if he hadn’t just scared the Herald out of her skin.

“Hey Bull, what did you need.” The shake was almost hidden in my voice but something was clearly wrong, my hands were still shaking as I tried to calm myself still, running back through my hair repeatedly but nothing seemed to work just yet.

“Just coming around to see if you still wanted that drink from before, Varric’s been drinking it like water so if you want some soon…” He left the unasked question linger in the air, his hand spread wide offering a path to the warm welcoming fire holding the sweet drinks.

“Yeah, I would love that, thanks Bull.” The smile that spread across my face was forced, and I think The Iron Bull could tell but I chose to ignore his too intelligent eyes for the lure of drink and stories. He chose to not mention my faults as well.

“Like the cut Boss, Looks good.” I glanced back to the gentile giant, his eyes-eye- roving my face but not reveling what he really thought. His mask was settled in place, but I could see the little things you can’t hide. The way his eye widened when we did something he didn’t expect and a tiny smile when we played along to the script.

I nodded, not trusting what words my face would blurt out, and tried to give him the most sincere smile I could muster. His toothy grin was the only response, but it was good enough for me. I turned back to the fire, my heart thudding harder than it had since high school, and grabbed the nearest cup and started drinking.

Whatever the chargers brought to celebrate was much stronger than the ale that Flissa peddled, and it had been months since I had any good booze, even back on earth I hadn’t had any time to drown my sorrows at the bar since I didn’t trust myself to keep much in the house anymore.

I drank a lot the years after I left Arn and Van, drowning the want to return with brandy and the desire to call them up and apologize with tequila. It was a good system until Mari came over and found the bottles I had forgotten to toss. After that, I agreed to drink in the bar below, and since I had been placed in the center of the cluster-fuck of the Breach without any time to get properly drunk.

Today was different, I could sit here and drink toe-to-toe with Varric and fuck myself up so far I forget that I wasn’t from Thedas, or I could sit and be responsible and drink only what would have gotten me to sleep. Which one do you think I chose to do; I’ll give you one guess.

Yup, I got shitfaced.


	8. So, What Happens Now?

The day started with a headache. Now with how much I drank I kinda expected worse, but I wouldn’t look this gift horse in the mouth, if all I got from almost blacking out last night was a small headache I could live with it.

I stayed in my tent for a while though, just lying on the stiff cot thinking. This morning was like a normal day back on earth, I had a hangover and I woke up on an uncomfortable surface, it brought tears to my eyes to think about it. I thought that having something similar to home would help ease my homesickness, but so far, it’s only made me sadder.

I could never go back to my lumpy couch in my breezy first floor apartment, I could never take a late bus again, and I could never walk along a street at midnight to enjoy the city. I swimming with ‘could-never-agains’, swirling and festering in the recesses of my mind; I thought I had buried all the little wishes deeper, but they are the ones I want back the most.

I wanted to be back, I wanted that with every fiber of my being, but fate seemed to have a plan and I was in the center of it.

The tent around me was suddenly too small again, as I tried not to burst into a weepy mess first thing in the morning. I needed out, and so I bolted.

The storm coast was living up to its name; I couldn’t tell if it was the same storm coming back again or a wholly new one here to wreak havoc on the coasts inhabitants. I stood in the rain, letting the freezing water numb my body and cool my face down. Nothing was different enough from home, even the storms were the same.

Funny how one can go from nothing is the same, to nothing is different.

“Hey Boss, trying to turn to ice?” I whirled around at the far too quiet man. He stood behind me, staring at what I presumed were my see through pajamas, or at what was underneath them.

“Hey Bull. No, but that would help.” A weak smile spread across my lips; if I turned to ice, everything for me would be solved.

“You should get dressed; your lips are turning blue.” I glanced back to the unending storm above us, blinking away the renegade raindrops that aimed for the face and let out a sigh. If my lips were blue, I was in the rain too long.

“Yeah, and I bet my tits are hard as stone too.” He let out a choked bark of laughter, as if he wasn’t expecting me to say it. Even if it were, true and I could tell.

“Yeah Boss, yeah they are.” His chuckles were still rolling out of him, his eye glanced down once and another chuckle escaped. It was warm and hearty, a real laugh, not a sympathy one.

“I’ll go get dressed, before Cassandra wakes up and sees me like this, she might have a cow.” Another caught-off-guard giggle came from the big man as I turned back to the tent.

“I don’t think I’ve met anyone quite like you.” I glanced back and saw that Bulls eye was fixed onto mine, this time he was searching, trying to figure out the reason behind my otherness.

He was way too smart. He knew I was different, even with Josephine’s and Leliana’s carefully sculpted background –which I am sure he researched before he met me- he knew something was off. His clever eye stared unblinking or moving into mine as I fidgeted, trying to figure out what he knew without asking.

I turned my back to him and tried to enter the tent as if nothing had happened, like the one spy I had found already knew something was off and was starting to investigate on his hunch. My heart was hammering against my ribs as I stood as still as I could in the tent.

I could hear some others in camp starting to rise, grumbles and groans echoing from most as they passed me by, not knowing I had just been standing in the rain in just my pajamas trying to numb myself to the memories welling up under the surface.

A shuddering breath made its way out of me gracelessly as I tried to regain my composure. Today would be fine, I would get things done and I wouldn’t think of my nostalgia.

The bucket of water sitting at the entrance of the tent stared back at me with my own face, the newly shorn hair sticking up in every direction and deep purple bags that just got deeper as the days passed. I looked like a haggard crazy woman who drank too much last night.

Who knows, I might have cracked on earth and I was a crazy person.

Another shaky breath escaped, no more still than the first, I gasped in the air as if I was a drowning woman. I needed to be careful, Bull suspected something, and so far Sera was under the impression I was just crazy, but in a different way than she was.

It took me a few minutes to discover I was shivering. Every part of me was shaking, from my fingers to my toes; I wasn’t numb any more at least. The lumpy cot called to me, its nostalgic song almost too sweet to resist, but there were things to be done and people to find.

My hands shook as I stripped the sopping clothes off, and tears fell while I finished by dropping the last of my wet clothes into a soggy pile, letting each piece fall with a satisfying splat. I was sluggish as I pulled on my under clothes and fastened all the laces of the armor.

The lethargy that emanated from my tent must have pervaded the inner walls and started to seep outwards. A quiet call of my name from Cassandra pulled me from my pit of wallowing. She moved the flaps less than I thought someone could and slid in in a moment. Her eyes were wide when she met mine, but she smiled and relaxed before she began.

“Kesta, Leliana has sent a note. The watchtowers in the hinterlands are finished and Master Dennet is ready to move to Haven.” Well that was good news at least, we would have horses for our soldiers, but I couldn’t leave the storm coast until I found the missing scouts.

“Cassandra, can you go to the storm coast to escort him back, I still need to find those missing scouts.” She stared at me for a long time, her steely eyes hard and full of thoughts moving too fast for me to read.

“Yes, that would be a good plan; I could get back and tell Leliana and Josephine that you recruited The Iron Bull and his chargers.” She stared without blinking for a long time again, boring holes into my own. “Please be careful, if you can’t find them in a week call it off.” I solemnly nodded, her hand was heavy as she placed it on my shoulder and the weight stayed after she left the tent.

I was alone again, and I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t realize how much I hated being alone before, now I would do almost anything to not be left alone with my thoughts.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I waved Cassandra off when we had finally finished breaking camp, my arm drifting slowly to my side as I started looking around. I was the one in charge here, and I had no idea what I was doing.

I was left with the bare bones of the inquisition camp, three tents set aside for us and a few scouts milling around, patrolling and keeping watch for the unknowns of the woods. Scout Harding pulled me aside and pointed out where the scouts were seen last and sent us on our way in hopefully the right direction.

I was also left with the resident magic historian Solas, our fairy tale weaver Varric and the newest misfit, the spy who told me he was a spy. I saw his horns poking out above the heads of the scouts giving him a wider berth than Varric or Solas. I wanted to understand him better.

“Bull!” His horns swiveled around to face me, almost too fast but careful as well. I waved him over, a puzzled look faint on his face but it faded back to the careful neutrality he held. “We are going to be searching for our missing scouts. The last time they checked in, they said everything was all clear, but then they stopped checking in with Lace and when she sent out a runner, the camp was deserted. We’re going to find them.”

There was a long silence while he scanned the map, his eye taking in every detail, every place our soldiers could be hidden. He was so much larger than me, in every way and I felt it as he stood next to me. His shoulders were almost two of mine and they sat higher than my head, it was as if I was next to a gentle giant.

I lost track of his scars when I tried to count them, his bare chest showing every one. He was a warrior; there was no question about that. I snapped out of my ogling, hopefully before he noticed my roving eyes.

I glanced at the rest of the camp; Varric was readying Bianca, polishing all the small bits before he lovingly slung it onto his back. Solas was standing underneath the tree line, attempting to keep his robes as dry as possible with the dourest look on his calm face.

It seemed that only The Iron Bull was unaffected by the storm, the rain beading off of him while it pooled onto me, maybe less clothes was a good idea? He seemed to be doing fine without a shirt, but I probably would be yelled at from at least two people, if not the whole inquisition for it, sacrilege and all that jazz.

I glanced into the grey sky, no different than the day before and sighed, I hoped it wasn’t an impossible task to find our missing scouts, bit more than that I hoped we would find them alive.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The rain was not letting up, we had been searching the Storm coast all day, and well, all we found were bones long dead and some far to giant spiders. All and all, it sucked.

When night stared to fall Solas pointed out a cave he saw earlier, and Varric just started over to it, as sick of the rain as the rest of us. So now we sat with the storm only getting worse around us and stared out at the coast.

“Trying to glare the storm away Girly?” Varric’s baritone called from farther in the cave, at one point Solas got sick of his poor attempts to start the fire and just shot fire from his hands onto the pile of soaked logs. Now there was cozy pit in the back of the cave, and I sat near the mouth of the cave.

“I’m keeping watch; don’t want the things out there to get us.” A few chuckles echoed from either Bull or Varric, but I didn’t turn back to the fire.

It was just like home, the rain. I don’t know how Solas found the perfect cave to watch the downpour rage, but I couldn’t rip myself away. It was just like my house, when the storms got too strong and the wind roared, I would sit on my couch and just watch the rain.

I used to watch for so long, either the storm would ease or the lights would get darker and darker until I was sitting in the dark, still just staring at the window. It was the same here, but now I was sitting in a dark cave and the rain was betting down not five feet away. That was before though, and now it was all I had to drown out my thoughts.

I don’t know how long I stared at the downpour, listened to the rain and zoned out from the world, but eventually I started to hear the guys behind me moving around again, quiet grunts and shuffling before silence fell again.

“Hey Boss, Varric’s going to take over watch, get some sleep.” I jumped at the light whisper from behind me.

“You’re too quiet Bull, I never know when you are sneaking up on me.” I glanced back at him and attempted to shoo him back to the warmth of the fire but he stayed right next to me, and sat down slowly and carefully.

He just sat there, not moving or saying anything just sitting and staring out at the rain along side of me. I wondered for a long time why he was bugging me, but after a while I gave up, the circular route my brain was taking was only frustrated me further.

“You okay Boss?” I snapped my head to him the second he finished the question, I hoped he was just talking about the last few hours and not entirely. His face betrayed nothing though, just like a good spy’s should. I sat for a while in silence, and looked back to the rain, now almost too dark to really see.

“No, but there’s nothing I can do to fix it.” It was the truth, I couldn’t lie to him, I don’t know how but he would know if I was lying. I’ll just lie with omission.

We sat in the comfortable silence for a long time, just sitting and letting the rain wash away the tension in my heart. I had no chance of getting back home, and I knew this, I just needed to accept it and move on, but that was easier to say than do.

I needed to let those dead horses stay dead, instead of trying to reanimate them with hundreds of beatings.

I don’t know how long we sat there, or if Varric ended up going to sleep instead of relieving me from my post, because at one point I fell asleep in the aura that fell between me and Bull, and this time I had a dream.

It was the first dream since I had fallen into Thedas, and so far, I would have to say I was not impressed. Nothing jumped out at me; nothing was like a dream really, except for the fact that I was most certainly not the queen of the Nile.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I found something.

We had been searching for two more days on the coast, our feet and clothes showing the wear the weather put on us. No one in our party had clean boots anymore, just mud covered galoshes that were filled woth the mud that coated them, and our clothes, oh my our clothes were another matter in it of themselves, every single article of clothing we brought was soaked through, and at this point we didn’t even have dry paper, just soppy mounds that I took to using for target practice on trees.

But I am digressing, I finally found something, me, the fool at the edge of the cliff, found a clue as to why our soldiers weren’t responding anymore.

Well, not so much as a clue as to the definite reason.

I found the missing scouts, their bodies had been left in a rotting abandoned house that sat at the top of the mountainous cave we stayed in our first night, the last place we had to look in the area before we left for farther in on the coast.

I tried not to feel to much elation that I had found the decaying bodies of my soldiers, but I couldn’t contain my joy when I ran out of the house to find the rest of my team.

“I found them.” The others filed into the small house, and we finally took a moment to mourn the men we lost. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I let them fall, these men would be mourned, if not by the masses then by me.

We spent the next few hours rifling though their items, trying to find something, anything that would tell us who did this to them, but sadly I only came up with a few scraps of paper that had scribbles I still couldn’t read.

“Varric, come here.” I waved him over, trying not to reveal to Bull that I couldn’t read. Varric waltzed over, and grabbed the scrap and read to, his finger flowing across the words being spoken.

The scouts had been investigating a bandit group that had called themselves The Blades of Hesserian, and that it was their leader that was causing all the problems for the Inquisition. The members were just following bad orders.

“What do you think it means about the mercy’s crest?” Varric just looked at me for a while, so deep in thought his brow was furrowed.

I glanced at the other two in the shambling remains of the cabin, they both had their gazes locked onto Varric and me but The Bull’s eye was still on the note. Solas was deep in thought, his eyes had glassed over and he was thinking in another world.

As lightly as I could I pried the note away from Varric, trying not to disturb his train of thought, and handed it to Bull. His eye went wide for a second before he glanced back up to me than back to read the note for himself. He scanned over it in a moment, and back to me again, gingerly handing the page back to me.

“I think it’s something to let you into their camp. So they won’t you attack on sight.” My eyes flicked back over to Bull, his steady gaze holding mine for a second before I went back to the small piece of paper held gently in his large hands.

I nodded, not knowing exactly what to say, but what could I say, really? I wasn’t the leader the inquisition needed; I was just the unlucky one who has the mark that saves the world in her hands.

“Do you think they left it around here?” I asked, and went without an answer for the moment. Why would a group going arround killing scouts want to fight fairly, and why did they kill the scouts? I had questions mulling like a rollercoaster in my brain.

I turned around and started to search the cabin for an amulet I didn’t know what it looked like. The others in my party started to do the same, Solas leaving entirely to search the other cabins nearby.

It was strange to have people follow me, to be a ‘leader’ of the inquisition. I was never listened to back home, I was the help, I did the things our higher up’s didn’t want to, and I had to smile when I got asinine orders and say ‘of course you can, the customer is always right!’ and now, now I was one of those giving out the asinine orders.

I didn’t have long in my mind to think though, eventually The Iron Bull came out of another cabin nearby and called me over. I tried not to stare at the man for too long, he probably had enough people staring at him for the horns and the height, he didn’t need mine as well.

When I got to what remained of the roof he opened his massive hand to me, and a small circular pendant sat in his palm. I had no idea what the piece of jewelry was made of, probably a material of Thedas, but it was beautiful. The green gem in the center gave off an ethereal glow, as too many things in Thedas did, and the gold inlay around was all perfectly even. Truly, it was a piece of work.

I gingerly took the necklace out of his hands and just held the pendant for a moment, it was heavier than I thought it would be but still lighter than it looked. I slipped it on, making sure it could be seen, and looked back to Bull. His single eye was focused on the crest hanging from my neck, not moving until I had let my hands fall back to my sides, then back to my face.

He had an intense stare for a man with only one eye. I couldn’t put my finger on what brought the intense fire lingering behind, but I didn’t care. This man was on my side, my front line bodyguard already taking his job one-hundred percent seriously. I was afraid that he was just here for his superiors though, the other Qunari that sent him here and told him to get close to the leaders, the true angle he was working at was still a mystery to me, and I wanted this man on my side for me. I wanted him to want to save the world with me, and I think that was what scared me the most.

In that moment his face changed, a grin broke out across his lips, crooked and tilted, but still charming, and still brought one to my face too.

~*~*~*~*~*~

We found their camp.

It wasn’t hard really, Solas had already found the path leading to the clearing they hid in, and all we had to do was follow the prints farther in. I was beyond nervous at this point, I was close to paralyzed. In a few more feet, I would face the men who killed mine, and I didn’t know what I would say. Which was a stupid thing to worry about, I should be worried that these men would end me on sight, or that this was a trick, but all I could possibly think about was I was about to go into this fight on the seat of my pants.

A hand rested on my lower back, along with a gentle push. Varric was with me, I wasn’t going in to this alone, I had a huge horned man, a dwarf with a giant crossbow, and an elf who could set people on fire. I was ready for this, or as ready as I ever would be.

I started to approach, making sure the amulet was clear on my chest, and found myself facing two men in full armor, with swords raised and visors down.

“Oh, a challenger? I hope you last longer than the others.” A feminine voice echoed from the sentinel soldier before me. The other turned and banged on the door, a specific order and in a second more the gate swung open.

I took a deep breath in and out befpre I started in to the compound, in a vain attempt to calm my racing heart, but the farther I entered the more it raced. Soldiers, too many to count, lined the sides of the camp, hididng doors and covering windows, all with the same expression of silent anticipation plastered onto their faces.

I saw, who must have been, the leader standing at the end of the camp, his cropped blonde hair plastered to his face like mine and his arms crossed in disappointment.

“So you’re the challenger eh? Do you really think you can defeat the Blades of Hesserian?” His voice sounded like he gurgled gravel to get it that low, and the threat was clear in his tone, this man wanted a fight.

“You killed my men, and that can’t go unpunished.” He let out a bark of laughter and leaned into my face, his rank breath wrinkling my nose as he spoke.

“Well if you want justice, well then come and get it.” He let out a battle cry, and unsheathed his tomahawks in one swift motion. I tried to back up and take down my axe in time to block the inevitable first hit form his blades, but the thing I expected least occurred. He cheated.

I heard a growl grow from my left side, and glanced over to see a giant dog, charging at me at full speed. I couldn’t get out of the way, dogs are just too fast, and in the first moment of the fight the hound sunk its jaws into my left arm. Involuntary whimpers escaped me, but I had dealt with dogs before.

In an instinctual move my hand pulled back from my axe and swung into the beast starting to tear at my arm. I couldn’t aim worth shit, but I could hit it. A pitiful whine rewarded my punch and the dog let go, but still growled long and deeply, not forgetting I was its target.

It took longer than I would like to get my axe ready, the blood from my wound dripping down onto the handle, but I was ready. The leader just smiled and twirled his blades, clearly pleased he had caught me off guard, but I didn’t come to this fight alone either.

I made eye contact with Varric when I started to circle the cocky leader, and he just stoically brought Bianca off his back, but what I didn’t expect was Bull and Solas. Solas had his staff in hand already just waiting for the signal to fire.

Bull had his axe in hand as well, his singular eye hard and focused onto the battle, emotionless and analyzing he stared down the leader of the blades before looking back to me for a second, then to the dogs still on their haunches waiting for the next order from their master. When my back was to his throne, I nodded to Varric and swung at the leader.

Chaos fell in that one second. Varric let loose bolt after bolt into the dogs and man before me. Alongside him Solas was firing ice from his staff, freezing the feet of our enemies to the wet ground below, and Bull charged into the leader at the point when my axe sunk into the mans chest.

The smile was gone from his face, only hard anger and spitfire remained. I started to yank the axe out of the man, but before I could Bull slammed his axe in. The leader of the blades stumbled, gurgling and blubbering for a second before he stopped entirely.

A deep breath rushed out of me, along with the strength to keep hold of my axe. The tool dropped to the ground as I grabbed my arm and started to really take notice of how I was feeling.

I was shaking, but not scared and I was hot but not warm, I was falling out of fight mode, and into pass out mode.

“Solas, do you have any of those potions Cassandra keeps?” I started to wrap my arm in a strip of flag I found on the ground, pulling the fabric as taught as I could, but eventually Varric walked over with Solas at his side and Bull behind.

“I do not, although I do keep these.” He handed me a small bottle, not unlike the one Cassandra held, and without looking at it for an hour I chugged it, feeling the herbs in the liquid, but trying not to taste the medicine. I don’t know what is in anything anymore, and frankly, I didn’t care anymore.

“That was fun, let’s try not to do that again soon okay?” Bull let out a bark of laughter along with Varric as I started to stretch my arm, testing how far the potion worked, and it did for the most part.

I watched as one member of the blades walked up to me, placed his fist on his chest and bowed. Others in the camp started to bow as well as the first straightened.

“It is done. The Blades of Hessarian are now yours to command.” I stood staring at the man for a good minute before I could think of a response.

“You all respect the outcome of this, I went into this duel with three men behind me.” The Soldier just gave a wry smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he began to speak again.

“He cheated first; you came to this battle with honor, that is all we look for. He was the leader for a long time, that tactic was overused.” His voice was full of mirth and the smile only grew on his face before he bowed again. “We are your eyes and ears on the coast, and we are at your service, Your Worship.” I rolled my eyes at the worship bit, but I returned his bow and started to head out of the camp.

“Girly, don’t you want to stay in a bed tonight, stay out of the rain for once. Maybe dry out your feet by a fire not getting put out by the storm?” I could hear the manipulation in his voice, but that was the thing I liked about Varric. He may be trying to manipulate you, but at least he’s honest about it.

“You know Boss; I'm on the short man’s side on this one.” I did laugh when Bull called Varric short, and nodded, ‘conceding’ to the fight I didn’t want to battle.

“All right, all right. Your pleas have convinced me.” Another booming laugh credit Kesta. I walked over to –who I hoped was- the soldier who talked to me earlier. He wasn’t, but at least he helped me find a cabin for the four of us to stay in and not be in the way and before the sun set we were in a cabin.

It wasn’t very large, made smaller by the bed they pulled in for Bull, but that only made it more warm and cozy. The fireplace sat in the corner and radiated heat onto the piles of wet clothes we tried to spread out, and the windows were covered by cream curtains like a farmhouse.

Solas and Varric were both asleep, after making sure everything was drying and that their weapons were drying and put away they hit their pillows and went out like lights.

I was not so lucky, and seemingly, Bull had the same problems I did. He was also up, and also not doing anything.

“Can’t sleep?” It was my turn to make his head snap to mine, his eye wide for a moment before he stilled and calmed his face. A short nod and he looked back to the fire we were both staring at, his face not revealing anything.

I went back to staring at the fire, letting the flames eat my thoughts and mute my mouth before I could say something I would regret.

I let the world go for that moment, all of earth was forgotten whenever I looked at him, he was so different from any one I used to know, and not just in the way he looked. He was a thinker.

I couldn’t say anything else; my mouth had glued itself shut to avoid farther embarrassment, the silence remained unbroken between us for the rest of the night, I stood and went to bed but before I did I laid my hand on Bulls shoulder.

“Thank you, for today, I don’t think I could have won without you.” He smiled and turned to me fully.

“I think you could have, but not nearly as fast.” I stifled the giggles that threatened to be much bigger laughter, and left for my bed. I hoped that tonight would be kind.


	9. What Makes You Think I Can?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays! Have another chapter for the season!

I watched as the raven flew off into the storm, its black wings beating in a rhythm I couldn’t hear, and I let out a sigh. We were heading back into the storm and back to haven, and we were hoofing it.

I slept better than the last few nights, I didn’t wake up and my dreams stayed unremembered and when I woke up the rest of my team was still sound asleep, even Bull was softly snoring by the fire close to dead to the world.

When I left the cabin, I opened and closed the door as quietly as I could, trying to keep the sleeping men asleep, and after that, I set out to find a soldier to help me write the letter to Leliana.

The unlucky soldier who jumped to help me was now much less excited to be helping the Herald, his hand probably sore from how much I had him transcribe but now that the letter was sent I tried to give him a sincere smile, but he had already left, most likely he didn’t want to write another letter for a while.

It was a good morning, Cassandra and Leliana would be informed in a few days, I found a new group of mercenaries and I had a new bodyguard. I felt the smile spread across my lips and let it grow. I was going to have a good day today.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I lied.

I wanted to badly to have a smooth day, to not have upsets that delayed our trip back to the hinterlands, to recruit another member for the inquisition and to put Leliana’s fears to bed.

It didn’t happen like that.

When the rest of my team woke, we started on our way back to haven, with some help from some Blades, pointing us the best ways out of the coast and the fastest shortcuts around the mountains. It was really a good start, and we were making good time.

That was until I found a rift.

It was the first I had found since I closed the Breach, and I didn’t know what to expect, and I hadn’t even found it properly yet. My mark really found it; I felt a buzzing spread slowly from my palm to the rest of my arm.

I froze in place, I thought that I was done with this, the closing part, I thought when I sealed the Breach it sealed the smaller rifts too but I was very wrong. Tentatively I raised my hand to my face, and saw the tendrils starting to emanate from the center, and all I could do was swear.

“Fuckin’a, really?” The others turned around, Varric stared at the eerie green light and just shrugged, but Bull had his eye affixed to the mark. He wasn’t blinking and his face was a careful mask of blank nothingness, until he looked back up to me, his eyes ablaze with a fire that worried me. He wasn’t afraid per say, but now he was on guard.

“There should be another rift nearby, if this is a signal.” Solas approached from the side, his cold hand grasping my wrist, cutting off the electricity running up my arm. My hand felt like I had stuck it in a beehive, when the tendrils escaped it stung, and the whole hand buzzed like a power line.

I swung my head around, trying to pinpoint the matching green glow out in the rainy woods, but I couldn’t see anything nearby. This time I raised my hand and tried to blindly feel around the air for any hint of where to go.

Something shocked me through my hand, a jolt of fiberglass trough my arm and I knew it was that way. I had forgotten how it felt to be a conduit of something much larger than myself, forgotten the feeling that this thing could eat me whole and not leave any trace of what happened. I was like a lightning rod, buzzing with untapped power, but not in control of that same power.

I didn’t know what would happen when I got close this time, and at this point, I didn’t care. I was possessed by the mark, following along the power line laid out by the Breach and my entire purpose was to close whatever was left open, and I would do it.

I didn’t hear the calls from my party members at this point, my ears were full of static and my eyes were only green until I felt like I was going to explode from the pressure and become a rift myself, but instead I felt the rift through the mark, I felt the rip in the world and the desire to be whole again from it.

I was brought back to reality for a moment when the swirling green became a portal and suddenly the call changed, now freedom emanated and demons started to claw their way out of the ground with earsplitting shrieks.

“Girly! You can’t just run off like that into the woods, we might not find you next…time.” Varric burst into the clearing the moment the demons pulled themselves into the world, Bull and Solas not far behind, their weapons in hand ready to attack, his voice trailing off as he fully took in what I had led them too. “You gotta start finding better surprises too.”

“Sorry about that, but what’s a better surprise than saving the world.” My voice was shaking along with my body; it felt like I was on speed while I was being electrocuted.

The battle was a rush of blurry green and shrieks, and in what felt like a second I felt the rift change again, but this time back to begging to be closed. My hand raised itself out of an instinct, and I was connected for a moment to the rift wholly.

It was otherworldly in every way; I felt the tugging in my hand and in my heart, the tendrils attaching and reattaching, stitching the fabric of the world back together and removing the buried power lines all around, and when it finished, the swirling void exploded sending me flying back and into the trees behind me.

“Girly!” My vison was swimming when Varric ran up to me, Bianca secured to his back, but it slowly cleared, showing the worried expressions clear on his and Solas’ faces. I tried to smile and went to stand, but the world was still spinning and I plopped back onto the safe ground.

“Are you alright?” Solas’ clam voice wavered in through the waves still cresting in my mind, I was fading, the waves kept crashing into my head, and the world just kept spinning faster and faster, and the roar in my ears kept getting louder.

I watched Solas and Varric swirl around for a moment, trying to focus on one or the other, but before I could, I caught sight of The Iron Bull. His face was hard and his axe was still in hand. He was ready to end me if I needed to be ended, if I turned into some monster by the marks ‘hand’. He was fully ready to do the deed no one else would.

What if I turned into one of those demons, what if something else picks up residence in my mind, or what if the mark starts to eat me? What would happen? Those were questions that used to run in my mind without answers until this very moment. Now I had an answer, Bull would do the unthinkable and end me, and surprisingly, that gave me more comfort than the placating words I couldn’t hear anymore from the others. I faded into unconsciousness safe with the knowledge

~*~*~*~*~*~

I don’t know what woke me, whether it was the rain just outside the cave we were in or just my body deciding I needed to be up now, but I was fucking sore. It felt like I had been hit by a train and then thrown into the ocean in a storm, the rift really took it out of me, but now I wasn’t buzzing anymore!

It took a while but eventually I got myself into a sitting position, my back against the wall and my legs straight out. We were in the same cave as the first night we spent as a group, and the cave was still as warm with the fire as that night.

I lifted my marked hand up, the tendrils now sealed into the small glowing dot in the center of my palm, no more fiberglass, no more lightning shooting through me. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t find the rift the first day we searched for the missing soldiers, if the cave was so close.

I looked around again, Varric’s silhouette sat by the entrance to the cave where Bull and I sat and watched the rain, and Solas was asleep by the fire, wrapped up in a bundle of furs like a happy puppy.

“Hey Boss, how are you doing, you went out a while ago.” The Iron Bull’s voice was hushed and soothing, as if I were a sick child just woken up at night. He was on the other side of the fire, but when he saw I was awake, he moved around to my side of the fire and sat in front of me, his eye still, but not harsh.

“I think I'm okay, but I feel like I fell off of a cliff, how long have I been out?” I coughed a few times to get the scratch out, and smiled, trying to assuage any worry he held.

“Well you went out around noon, and we got here not long after, so half a day almost.” He moved his hands when he talked, sweeping waves and delicate motions were heightened with his sheer size, but it was dwarfed by the serious look on his face, and his eye that kept darting to my hand.

“What happened back there?” I held his steely lopsided gaze, not knowing exactly how much to reveal to him, the whole story or the redacted one.

“I don’t really know, that was the first rift we had seen since I sealed the Breach, I thought I closed them all then, that was all new to me too.” We sat in silence for a while, staring at each other, trying to find the twitch that tells all.

“I have a question though, for you I mean.” He looked back into my eyes and faintly nodded. “If, if something started to happen back there, to me, would you have ended it?” His eye widened as he stared at me, its stormy depths clear in its surprise and he sat in silence for a long time mulling over his answer before he spoke.

“Yeah, I would have.” It was said with utmost seriousness, and his face said the same. He would absolutely killed me to save the world.

“Good, I doubt anyone else would, and well, I'm kind of afraid of it turning me into to someone else. So, thanks? But I hope you never have to follow through with it.” He stared at me in silence for a long time; his expression was impassive, nothing showing through the mask of indifference. If he were missing both he would be the perfect spy.

“Yeah Boss, I’ll keep that in mind, but don’t try to do anything to cause it okay, I’m just starting to get used to working with you.” A broad smile spread across my lips with no permission from my brain, but I couldn’t help it. I had three people in Thedas that wanted me there, that wanted me to stay around. I didn’t ever want to stop smiling.

“Thanks Bull. Sorry for the downer before bed.” I tried to stand, but his large hand grabbed my shoulder and gently pushed me back down, a smile playing on his face and a twinkle in his eye.

“Now, you didn’t think I was just going to let you get up did you. Get back to sleep, Varric’s got the watch for tonight.” I let out a breathy giggle and let him push me back down. I wasn’t going to fight with sound logic and reasoning.

I stared up at the cave celling for a while, I wasn’t tired and I wasn’t ready to return to the realm of dreamland quite yet. So I let my mind wander to safe subjects, I thought about how the clouds were the same, and how strange druffalo were. I thought about the stars I didn’t quite know yet and how horned men were very nice to look at, and how I shouldn’t think about that last part too often, but mostly I thought about the eerie green mark that had buried itself in my hand.

I was scared of it more than ever, something changed about it, and I didn’t like that change one bit. Eventually, when I figured The Iron Bull had fallen asleep I raised my hand once more to look at it.

What I saw was what I had been seeing for the last, however long I had been here. A small prick, almost needle thin, of glowing green magic and if it weren’t in the middle of my hand I would have loved to examine it thoroughly, but the fact that it was in my hand put me off looking any closer, and that was the root of my problem with the mark. I wanted to know everything about it, but I was repulsed to look at it.

I let my hand fall back to the earth and went back to staring at the celling, not caring at this point if I was actually tired, I just wanted to no longer be conscious, but falling asleep wasn’t easy.

I tried to count back from one hundred, and I tried counting sheep. I even tried to smack my head hard enough on the ground so it would just knock me out, but nothing really did anything except for give me a big headache.

I sat up, looked over to Bull’s side of the fire and saw the large man laying down and fast asleep. I made my way to my feet as carefully as I could trying not to alert the others to my activities. It seemed I succeeded when I was standing and none of my team had even moved a muscle.

The cave opening lured me, and I made my way over to the soothing sound of the unending rainstorm outside. Varric was still sitting by the entrance, but definitely closer to the fire than I was when we stayed here before, but sound asleep like the other two.

I didn’t really think we were going to be attacked though; I just wanted to watch the rain as it fell. I eased myself back down to the ground, and sat on the cold stone. I took a few deep breaths and tried to stare into the abyss and not fear the inevitable fact that I would probably die fighting this evil, the rift earlier today really shook me.

Would all of them be like that, would I always pass out after I did what I needed to, or would I adapt? I didn’t know, and I was scared.

I grasped my knees closer to my body and laid my chin on them, and just stared out into the blackness of night. I just sat there, looking at everything and nothing, trying to keep my mind comfortably blank and still.

There wasn’t much light to bounce off of all the water in the distance, but every once in a while lightning would strike the sea and light it up in an array of colors for one second before fading back into blackness, the thunder rumbling seconds later.

I don’t really know how long I sat there before Varric awoke again, his grumbles and shuffles progressively louder until he finally groaned and started to get up, until he stopped moving entirely.

“Uh, good morning Girly, shouldn’t you be sleeping?” I chuckled for a moment before glancing back to him and smiled.

“Yeah, Bull told me too, but to be fair, you were supposed to be keeping watch.” I tried to keep my tone light, he didn’t do anything wrong, and I didn’t want to be the Boss’ I had back on earth. I would understand.

“Yeah, true.” He just smiled back at me and headed to the fire, Solas was already awake and starting on breakfast. I was surprised, usually Solas was the last to wake, lost in his dreams and weaving his magic in slumber.

I let go of the tension I had built over the last, however long I sat there, and let my legs fall to the ground next to my hands and started to slowly stand, my limbs cracking as I moved, and my muscles creaked as I finished standing. I was sore from sitting in one way for too long, but other than that I felt fine, no lingering adrenaline or fiberglass from the rift, just the lingering soreness from a hard day’s work.

I started to stretch to just get my blood flowing, but I wanted more. This was the first time I had ever done yoga outside, and out of school, and it was sublime. I did the poses I remembered from school, my form ridged, but I was trying and that was the most important part.

I watched the world turn on as I moved through the poses slowly and with purpose and a constant beat of breath, the sun rose behind the clouds and the sky started to lighten to the murky grey we came to know as the sky on the coast, and the sounds and smells from breakfast were getting stronger and stronger, distracting me more and more until I could not resist any longer.

“What are you making that smells so good! Never mind, I don’t want to know, that’ll ruin the moment.” The others just chuckled, grabbed the last plate, and handed it to me.

I heaped up whatever mystery meat was sizzling in the pan and the unidentified vegetable in piles onto the plate, and dug in when I sat down. I definitely didn’t want to know whatever this was because it was so tasty, Varric just smiled as I continued to wolf down the food.

I didn’t realize just how hungry I was, I just put it aside like everything else, but now that I was eating, I was almost ravenous, as if my stomach was a black hole that consumed all and didn’t return the substance back. Eventually I started to slow, and when I finished the plate, I was stuffed and ready to head back to haven.


	10. Do You Live Here...Alone?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait! I recently got a new job and my schedule has totally flipped! I hope you enjoy!

I didn’t know just how much I missed the sun until it came out again, we had just exited the storm coast, and I was ecstatic. It was warm and dry and I couldn’t ask for more.

I was in a better mood than the days before and I was ready to recruit who ever wanted to join the inquisition. We were on the way to find the warden who had eluded escape from the eyes of the master spy at the head of our network.

There was a helpful older man at the crossroads who knew exactly who Blackwall was, and where he was (for the most part), and I was ready to get back to haven, and become more involved in the whole, inquisition thing, instead of just letting the triad and Cassandra do all the work. This was my fault, and I would fix it.

We had just crested the hill leading to Lake Calnehad and so far, we hadn’t seen hide or hair of this mysterious man. I was taken by the beauty all around me, the huge expanse of untouched nature.

I hadn’t had the chance to get out in nature as much as I had wanted to back on earth, having been too busy with work, but now I had no choice but to immerse myself in the greenery all around and I was having the time of my life. There were plants that I had never seen before with names that were just as foreign. There were animals I couldn’t even imagine sitting next to normal dogs and wolves.

Nowhere I had been in Thedas looked like any other part, the Hinterlands were a world apart from the storm coast, and Orlais was a glittering array of cities and deserts, I was in awe of every place we had visited, and I was still being caught off guard anytime I left a building.

The trio that had been following me was spread out across the hill, looking for any kind of clue of where Blackwall had gone. Bull stuck close, fulfilling his role as my (self-proclaimed) bodyguard, Varric was near the bottom of the hill, not really looking for anything, but scribbling furiously on a scroll needing to get whatever ran through his mind down, and Solas was at the top of the hill looking down disappointedly scanning the area and glancing back to the rest of us every once in a while.

It was strange; to be put in charge after so long following any asinine order I was given. I wasn’t given a choice, I made mine a long time ago and it paved my path in cement, no wiggle room. I was alone, and had to do everything alone, now I had an unending support system, and I didn’t really know how to go about being a productive member of a group anymore.

“Kesta, come look here.” Solas’ soft voice called me from my momentary lapse into the recesses in my head, gesturing when I finally looked over to the tree with a not-so-hidden house up in its branches.

I marched up the small bit hill left and saw a piece of paper in his hands. I was getting better at reading the foreign script, but I still wasn’t anywhere near where I was on earth, so reading anything meant for adults was a little over my head, since I had only finished children’s books so far, but I didn’t need to worry.

It was a map, showing a path behind the waterfall and that there was something at the mesa at the top, a camp, a farm, it wasn’t really clear, but it was the only clue so far, and it was leading us somewhere we hadn’t been yet.

“Good job, I wouldn’t have seen that.” I gave him a short smile and focused my attention back onto the small yellowing paper in my hands.

It didn’t take long, once I showed the other two the map, before Varric pointed out a path that looked like it could be the one on the map, and we were off. It was a house, with a farm attached, off the dock on the lake. It was beyond picturesque, the dream home of a former me, and it was occupied.

There were several men, all wielding swords and shields but devoid of any armor. These were not soldiers or bandits; these were exactly the men we were looking for. I tried to approach with as much purpose and confidence as I could, trying to become the glowy person everyone believed me to be, and as we approached, I tried to catch what the one voice was calling out.

“They made this a fight not us, remember how to hold your shield, you’re holding not hiding. It’ll save your life in a moment or cost it the next if not wielded right.” I watched as the bearded man walked back and forth, his weapon loose but not forgotten at his side, this was a man who knew battle and who knew troops even more.

“Blackwall, Warden Blackwall?” I called out from the end of the pier, not wanting to alarm the man, but get my presence known, and it worked. The bearded man’s head snapped to me in a split second his dark eyes wide and his beard much fuller than I had thought before.

He rushed forward, shield still armed and now sword firm in his hand, if I didn’t answer right, I would probably end up at the end of that sword, but thankfully he only held it at attention when he reached me.

“You’re not a farmer, how do you know my name? Who are you people?” I glanced to the three men behind me; who were behind me standing as a wall of strongmen here to shake him down if he doesn’t pay.

“We’re-“ Before I could finish though Blackwall moved to almost in my face, his grey eyes staring with a fire beyond my back and his shield held fast over my shoulder, an arrow struck right through where my head was.

“That’s it!” His roar was loud but not directed at me yet, his fire directed at his ‘soldiers’ and once more turned back to me. “Help or get out, we need to deal with these idiots first. Conscripts! Ready! Here they come!” His last yell was a rallying call to the former farmers, their shields raised and swords drawn.

They charged the bandits that had managed to get behind us, and we began to fight alongside the men. Bull was acting as a shield to Solas’s back, protecting the man while he casted barriers and shot spells in quick succession. Varric was back with me as I watched the men Blackwall conscripted.

They were good, not soldier material, but about the level I was at with combat, their stances not quite right yet, but clearly they were well trained. There was no question to Blackwall’s skill, he sliced and dodged to come to the aid of his men then in a moment, he was gone, off to aid another who had left his flank open to the bandits.

The battle went without a hitch from our side, none of the scrapes the farmers received was major, and the bandits went down quicker than I thought they would, almost like it wasn’t a real attack, just one of opportunity.

I watched as Blackwall sheathed his weapons and knelt for the dead men, closing their eyes and saying something I couldn’t quite catch, stood and headed back to his men.

“Good work men. Even if this wasn’t supposed to happen, well it did. They could- well thieves are made not born. Take back what they stole from you. Go back to your farms and families; your own strength is what saved you today.” He waved the men off, not watching as they looked back at him in awe and respect before they headed off back down the mountain. He approached me once more, this time his eyes were carefully closed off, Interesting.

“You’re not from around here, not a farmer at least. How do you know my name?” He was carefully analyzing me, eyes roving my armor and comrades in seconds, checking openings and for weaknesses, clever.

“I'm Kesta, an agent of the inquisition; we’re looking for a warden, trying to figure out if they had anything to do with the Divines death.” His carefully crafted mask of beard and indifference broke eyes wide and mouth agape, he cursed before looking back at me proper, a fire in his eyes again.

“Makers Balls! Wardens and the Divine? That can’t- no, you’re asking so you’re not sure yourself. First off, I don’t know why they disappeared, but wardens do that right? Once the blights over the first thing forgotten are the wardens, jobs done, no need to stick around right. One thing that’s sure is that no warden killed the Divine, our purpose isn’t political.” His impassioned speech was strong with his belief and he clearly didn’t know why the others disappeared, that shock couldn’t be faked.

“I’m not saying it was the wardens, we’re checking out all the leads we get so far, but why are you out here? Do you live here…alone?” He gave me a clear look of ‘what did you say’ before he glossed it over and started to answer with a slight chuckle.

“Only for a little while, I haven’t seen any other warden for months. I travel around recruiting, there’s not much interest since the archdemon is a decade dead, and no need to conscript because we’ve had no signs of a blight anytime soon. I was staying here for the night when I saw these idiots,” he kicked his foot to one of the now deceased bandits. “stealing from the farmers after the sky turned belly up. So I ‘conscripted’ their victims, they had to do what I said, so I told them to stand. I hope that next time they won’t need my help. Wardens have a way of making you better than you think you are.” 

I stared at him for a while, he was clearly passionate about being a warden and he was also a tactician that our soldiers desperately needed, we could only last so long with only Cullen.

“So you have no idea where the rest of the wardens might be?” Maybe he knew more than Leliana about their movements or bases.

“They may have returned to our stronghold in the Anderfells, or maybe to Amaranthine, but I really don’t know.” I had two places they might have gone, but no idea why.

“Thank you warden Blackwall, it’s been a pleasure.” I turned around to the rest of my men, their eyes watching carefully but not quite like they thought Blackwall would attack, like they were waiting for the pin to drop.

I made it to the lake before he called out to me once more.

“Inquisition, agent did you say?” A faint smile spread, but I schooled it back to the careful thoughtful mask I was wearing. “The Divine is dead, the sky is torn and demons are pouring out. With events like these, thinking were absent is almost as bad as thinking were responsible, if you’re truly trying to put things right, maybe you need a warden. Maybe you need me.” The fire that was started earlier was stoked and now was a bonfire, but I wasn’t ready to fully invite him yet. I wanted to see something else in from him than the staunch defender of wardens and no nonsense commander.

“The inquisition needs all the help it can get, but what can one warden do?” I could almost hear the grin from bull, he had moved closer to me and probably figured I was going to recruit the man anyway, but he wanted the same thing I did, a change.

“Save the fucking world if pressed. Look maybe fighting demons from the sky isn’t exactly something I have a lot of practice at, but show me someone who was before that happened.” An exasperated hand gesticulated to the still green sky and his seriousness dropped a little. “And being a warden means something to a lot of Fereldens.” He was desperate to help, not, well from what I could tell, a spy for the enemies.

“Warden Blackwall, the inquisition accepts your offer, welcome!” He stopped, hand still gesturing to the sky and heart still believing I would say no. Blackwall dropped his arm and nodded, a little in shock, but that was probably because he didn’t exactly know I was the glowy key to this whole mess

Bull let out a chuckle with Varric and started to head down the mountain, before they turned back with smiles that spoke of something hatched between the spy and the writer.

“Boss, I had an idea and well Varric likes it. Why don’t we stay here for the night, enjoy some soft beds and a proper roof, maybe a fire?” He waggled his eyebrows at me and I burst out in laughter. I never thought I’d see someone wiggle their eyebrows again.

I had tears in my eyes when I had finally stopped laughing, but I was in the same mind as they were, it was a good three or four days before we would make it back to Haven and I defiantly wanted to start that journey with a good nights rest.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I couldn’t get to sleep. We were in the small house that Blackwall had been staying at and, while it could have been a little larger, it wasn’t bad. There were beds, a hearth that Bull oh so lovingly filled with fire and the walls were stable, no chance of getting soaked by a surprise storm.

There was a night on the storm coast, after we had found the soldiers and were heading back to the hinterlands a huge front moved in, winds were at least twice the speed they were earlier and the rain wad frozen into sleet. Truly a miserable night, and to top it off the cabin we found was full of holes so throughout the night we were getting pelted by the coldest rain and sharpest hail.

This was almost heaven compared, but I still couldn’t sleep.

What was I going to do? I was the main reason the inquisition existed and yet I still had no official title unless I want to claim Herald, and no real reason to be a part of it other than that.

If I closed the breach and it disappeared, what would happen?

I stood up and headed out to the lake. It seemed frozen water was the best solution to shut down my thoughts; one couldn’t think if one was shivering so hard they couldn’t hear.

I eased off my outer clothes, leaving the bare minimum on, but that was still more than what I wore back on earth to bed. Here there wasn’t an option of sleepwear, you slept in the clothes that kept you from chaffing, you washed in those clothes and ate in those clothes. Yes I had a breast band and shorts, but those didn’t even count anymore.

I felt like a prude, no one can see the nip, or the butt, only these floor length pants and long sleeve shirt, and even then, it’s a scandal. One time when I was changing one of the workers in haven walked in, saw me in the ‘undergarments’ turned red and apologized profusely not looking at me as she left. That was a hoot to tell Varric later.

Now I was standing at the edge of the lake in my underwear giggling at my prudishness. I used to think I was prude on earth, but here I could almost be a little risqué in comparison. It was ridiculous.

I made my way farther onto the pier, sat at the very end, and just stared up into the still strange sky, two moons and unfamiliar stars. It was breath taking, how the sky could be so different at night, and without pollution. Waves of all colors moved and swirled slowly, as if the lazy tail of a satisfied cat, playing with the fish. The Breach added its own effect, tendrils of green stretching in a circle around the epicenter of chaos.

I let my head fall to my knees; this was so much like the cabin we would stay at, so much like the woods we would be whole in. I wasn’t the biggest fan of the hinterlands; they struck a chord far too deep for me to be comfortable.

That was the first time I let go and grieved. No matter what Solas said about going back and fixing things, there was no way. I was not the same person as I was when I left. I was strong now, I had a purpose here, but there was a hole that could never be filled, a part of me that could never truly integrate itself to the lay of the land, and if I went back ‘home’ that hole would still be there, just in a different place.

I was star-crossed in my heart; half of it belonged to earth. It wanted so badly to be back in security, where I wasn’t in the spotlight and could coast on till I died. The other needed to be in Thedas, it thrived off the reason, the fucking purpose I longed so hard for back on earth, and the worst part was, I only had me.

I alone knew what I knew about earth, I alone knew the stars above and the words that don’t belong, and slowly people were starting to see. Bull already thought something was off and clearly, Blackwall knew that too from the looks he threw as we set up camp.

The mask Josephine and Leliana so carefully constructed was chipping because of my bad acting and I wasn’t able to put the pieces back because they were in others hands.

The sounds around me were even the same; birds, bugs and water. Tears burned as they slid down my face, I missed my asshole brother and I missed my tiny apartment. My tears didn’t care that neither were good things to miss, they fell because the hole has gotten too big, and I couldn’t cover it up anymore.

“Hey, are you okay?” my head snapped up and the tears that were falling were wiped away in seconds, a trick I learned from crying at work, someone could walk by any minute, erase and replace.

With my face clean, I turned and smiled at the footsteps approaching on the pier. The Iron Bull was making his way up to me, each step loud and deliberate as so I would know he was there. I gave him a faint smile, letting my eyes go back to the two moons high above.

He eased himself down carefully, watching out for something not quite in its right place, and just sat, he didn’t make any sound after finally setting. He stared out at the sky alongside me.

“Can’t sleep either?” It was me who reached out to the giant man, his one eye slid to my own complete pair and nodded, holding my gaze with unasked questions flickering across his stoic face, none staying for long enough to fully read.

“Nah, too many thoughts about home.” He was homesick too?

“Not from Ferelden then?” He let out a bark of laughter then just looked at me for a long moment before answering, his singular eye piercing and mirthful at the same time.

“Have you seen many Qunari walking around Ferelden? No, I’m from Par Vollen, across the waking sea from here. It’s warm there, surrounded by forests and the ocean. Nothing like this.” For a second I could see his want to return to his home.

I wasn’t the only one in the inquisition who wanted to return to my home. Bull just sat there listening to the insolent Herald and has yet to complain and here I was sulking and whining about it.

There was nothing I could do, it was best to bottle it up at this point.

“What’s Par Vollen Like?” I stared at him as he looked up into the sky before he answered; he took a deep breath and let it out.

“It’s nothing like here. It’s a jungle and a coast and one fucked up island. I miss the smells, the sea and the spices that wafted from the markets. Not much else really, I’ve been in southern Thedas for a few years now, home is where I am.” He looked back to me and sighed, his shoulders slumped and he let out a deep sigh before looking back into the sky.

“A Jungle and an island?” His vague answer didn’t really give me any clue except for the dislike of cold.

“Yeah, the Qunari just carved out their home on a wild part of land, they slapped Quandar down and grew after that. It’s hot and wet, and everyone back home looks like me, big and horny.” He smirked back to me, his one eye back to mischief. I hadn’t even thought about looking different, there were elves and dwarves so I assumed it was like that back where he came from but it must be more different than I thought.

“You guys follow the chantry back there too?” This time he literally busted out into laughter that didn’t end for a long time, his chuckles still subsiding as he wiped his eye from the mirth.

“No, we follow the Qun, are you writing a book with all these questions?” I blinked and this time I laughed aloud.

“No, you’ve got the wrong person to write a book; I can’t even read properly, now if you wanted a book written you’d have to talk to Varric.” We chuckled for a bit but my need for information won out over the comfortable silence. “I want to know more about you Bull, it’s where you’re from.”

“Alright, what do you want to know?” It was fair game; I had the book open and the questions ready to fire, so to speak.

“Do the Qunari rule themselves differently than the down here, since you don’t have a chantry?” He sat and looked at me for a minute, his expression the typical spy’s mask of stoic stone, but it quickly faded into an easy smile.

“Yeah, but it’s pretty simple. We have the Matriarchy, the Priesthood and the Military. The priests figure out how the Qunari should live in theory, the Matriarchy makes it work in practice and the military keeps everyone safe form outside threats.” Three branches, almost like a government, and definitely different from Ferelden.

“It really works then, no infighting about it?” It had to have corruption in the ranks, there would always be one who thinks he can game the system from the inside.

“Not in the way you’re thinking, it’s nothing like the grand game in Orlais, people disagree sure, but the priests are there to help them. All the problems in the south are caused by politicking and people putting their own gains above the gains of the whole, if you do that among the Qunari the Ben-Hassrath set you straight or kill you.” So it was a for the many thing, like communism or socialism, whereas Ferelden was a monarchy and from what I could tell Orlais was a parliament with a king or something. Slowly the world of Thedas was filling out for me; it was astounding how very similar my two worlds were.

Bull didn’t elaborate further, but his focus was still with me, and I had a few more questions. “So, what’s the Ben-Hassrath?” He glossed over the conversation earlier, giving the vague ‘we’re spies’ reply but now he was going in depth and I wanted answers.

“It’s a general term, but there are separate parts of the whole thing. There’s the secret police, they investigate problems in Qunari territory, the re-educators, who take problems and either fix them or make them disappear and then you’ve got the spies for outside territory work.” The re-educators, that didn’t sound very good and functional government-like.

“How do the re-educators work exactly?” I stepped on a landmine, the second the query left my lips his posture stiffened and his face hardened, clearly he had opinions on them.

“I only really know the basics, wasn’t my area but… keep a man awake long enough, give him the right potions, ask the right questions, and a man will say just about anything. You don’t need blood magic to change someone’s mind, were a lot more fragile than we believe.” He stopped after that, probably thinking he scared me, but all that speech did was raise more questions.

“None of those really sound like you Bull.”

“I didn’t start as a spy, they sent me to Seheron, needed someone who could fight and hunt rebels. That whole island is a sack of cats. Incursions from Tevinter, Tal-Vashoth, and the native rebels fighting both sides, all that was left was me, in the middle trying to wrangle the rebels and restore order.”

“That sounds like an impossible task.” His mood was only souring, darkening the already pitch atmosphere.

“Yeah, for a long time I hunted down a lot of rebels, lost a lot of friends to the Vints, or the warriors, or the fog warriors, or the Tal-Vashoth. One day I woke up and couldn’t think of a dammed good reason to keep doing my job and I turned my self into the re-educators.” I snapped my head to the massive man next to me; he willingly turned himself into the only people who could take away his mind.

“Not a lot of people could be that brave.” He looked back to me slowly, and smiled a sad small smile, saying only thank you before continuing.

“I thought about letting some rebel kill me, but I couldn’t give them the satisfaction. The Ben-Hassrath sent me to Orlais as a Tal-Vashoth ostensibly to work undercover, and that’s how I ended up here.” He gave me that same small smile that broke my heart before, and without thinking, I grabbed his hand, missing a few fingers on the end.

“Well for one, I’m glad you’re here.” I was beyond glad it was dark because I was sure my face was starting to turn red, but he didn’t try to take his hand away or move, so I hope I didn’t break any taboo.

“Me too.” It was quiet and gravely but I heard the small smile again, I never wanted to see that look on his face ever again, it was like he didn’t care about himself at all, like he was a back burner issue to be forgotten. I don’t think I could ever put him back there; he was too smart to discount himself.

“If you ever need to talk about this, let me know.” I wanted him to have a rock to tether himself too, to vent and talk to, and it seemed I couldn’t keep away from him for too long.

“Nah, but thanks Boss, it was a long time ago.” Neither of us spoke after that, I wanted to tell him it wasn’t a long time ago if he never dealt with it proper in the first place, but it wasn’t my place, I didn’t know him well enough, yet.

I may not have learned a lot when I was on earth, but dealing with things like this was one thing I had down pat. I wouldn’t push him though, I gave him the open door, and if he ever wanted to talk, I would be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I so missed being able to stop all the chaos of the game to have a nice chat with your companions from origins, and the part where Blackwall talks about the wardens like they didn’t decide two monarchs and fuck with the rulers of every area, like yeah our purpose isn’t political as the warden kills the Arl and puts a new ruler on the throne, it honestly made me probably a lot happier than it should have. It’s sad they don’t have more references to dwarves in the canon, I'm in the party of dwarves and Qunari are the most interesting races in Thedas, the others are cool, but like, horns, titans, shit, the entire cast system and the Qun are so interesting! I want to learn so much more about both filters and I keep getting spurned!


	11. Should I Be Scared?

*Beep* *Beep* *Beep*

I pried my heavy eyes open to see my celling fan spinning at its lazy pace and my light alarm going off in the corner. I closed my eyes, but I snapped them back open a second later, I was at home. Home as in on earth home.

I sat up as fast as I could, nothing was different, it was just the way I left it for work, lights out and fans on, the blinds were all flung open to a storm. Rain pelted the glass in sheets as I stared in shock at the world I was back in.

What happened, how did I get back? The question rattled in my head to the sound of the whirling fan blades, this was wrong. I raised my hand to see the mark gone and my hand whole, and I started to really freak out then.

I stood and took stock of everything I had on my person, work shirt, check, phone, check, pants, check, nothing was out of place. It was as if nothing had happened, and it was a dream, I glanced at my coffee table half-way expecting to see an empty bottle of tequila or two, but all that was there was coasters and books.

My heart was racing and my chest was taught like a bowstring. That couldn’t have been a dream, but everything about this was real too. Was I losing it, truly turned to the insane and losing my ability to discern weather things were real or not?

There wasn’t anything I could do other than go to work at this point, I could sit in this room and go insane or I could make some money while I was going insane. So I grabbed my keys off the hook and my umbrella from its stand and left for work. 

It wasn’t a far walk to the department store from my home, only about fifteen minutes, but the rain made it seem longer. I got to the store disheveled and looking like a drowned rat as I rang out rich women's purchases, but I was there.

It was almost surreal, to hear the boring pop music blare through the blown store speakers and to not handle any money as people paid for their things. Merle wasn’t there, it must have been her day off, and it was a quiet calm day.

“Kes! Can you come to my office please?” My blood ran cold when her voice called from the small radio I had at my station, was I going to be fired for not showing up for weeks at a time?

My ears were roaring, my pulse could probably be heard by anyone nearby, if there was anyone in the break room to hear. The day was getting stranger and stranger, and nothing was lining up.

I finally reached the dreaded door and swung it open, leaving it that way when I moved to sit down. Ali Meeker was my boss and the woman across from me in that moment, her black eyes were hard and full of the contempt I saw every day.

“Kes. How are you doing?” Her simple question had my jaw on the ground and her smile after kept it there. What got into her coffee, or did she start smoking?

It took a moment for me to notice she was waiting for my answer, her hands folded neatly on the desk and her smile serene and genuine. Something was off, not once did Ali ever ask how I was without speeding past my actual answer.

“I, I’m fine, thank you.” Her eyes closed in pleasure for one moment before they opened again and her smile widened before she began speaking more phrases that are unexplainable.

“You’ve been working really hard, and well I thought you might want to take some of the vacation time you’ve saved up!” I sat blinking for a moment; she thought I could use a vacation? Something was wrong; the real Ali would have never said that, she was furious every time any of the employees needed to take one day, let alone a vacation.

I grabbed the letter opener from her desk, if this was a dream nothing would happen, either I would wake up or I wouldn’t. What could go wrong? I rearranged the knife substitute so it was facing my legs and slammed it down.

Nothing.

I looked down to see the small piece of metal imbeded in my thigh, and I let out an involuntary sigh. This was a dream, and it was sad that I was so relieved home was just but a dream.

“How did you figure it out dear, I had a bitch of a time building this world for you and then you go and stab yourself.” I looked back to ‘Ali’ her smile dropped and her office melting all around as I sat in the chair.

Her face changed in a moment as she held my gaze unblinkingly, she became purple in one second and the next her irises blew out to fill the whites of her eyes with black. The smart suit she wore as Ali peeled away to only the tiniest bikini and skirt. Her hair in a second lit up in purple flames like a torch and I was face to face with a demon.

“Don’t look at me like that; it’s not like you know what I really am.” Her voice was now all and every, both bass and soprano at the same time as if echoing all the forms she could take. She moved like water around my chair, the last part of the office left, until she settled back infront of me again. “You still havent answered me.”

“You were too nice; the real Ali would never have let me have time off.” The smile that grew was the Cheshire cat’s, and she leaned down into my face.

“Don’t you feel like this is where you should be? Isn’t this where you’re from?” This time I barked out laughter, as if, I had unfinished business.

“You really think I want to go back more than I want to save Thedas?” She retracted in an instant, her ethereal beauty marred with confusion, as if this option never appeared in her calculations.

“Why not?” Her face and tone were beyond serious.

“Answer what you are first. I gave you one answer; give me some back if you want more.” This time it was the demon who burst out into laughter, her mythical voice echoing in on its self. She smiled and bent down again.

“Clever little girl. Usually I catch people too dull to spark my interest.” She moved her hand in a lazy move to the celling summoning a chair for her. “Why not, answer for answer. I show mortals what they desire, and it seems I was incorrect today.”

“I like being needed and wanted. It’s as simple as that.” I looked at the demon, and she stopped smiling staring with her black abyss eyes. It was a long time before either of us spoke again, her curious gaze never ending and the realm we were in shifted around us. The walls were slipping and the floors waving while we sat staring at each other.

“Then, do you want to go back?”

“I don’t know anymore.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

I peeled my eyes open again and the cabin celling that was above me last night was above me again, no spinning fan or beeping alarm. I sat up and looked at the small cabin, four men sleeping and one fire dying. The sky was still dark when I moved the curtain near my bed so I stood and left the cabin.

I wanted to wake Solas and ask him about what the fuck that was, because it wasn’t a normal dream, I remembered everything about my chat with the demon. Maybe I needed to start drinking before bed again to kill the dreams.

I stood and opened the door as quietly as I possibly could, even if I liked Bull, he needed his sleep too. I didn’t need to wake my team because I had a bad dream. The door closed with a muffled click when I was fully outside and I sighed.

The small lake was serene, no ripples in the water and a shining moon reflected in its surface and it was calling to me. I looked back to the house, the curtains were still drawn and the door was still, so I started to strip down to just my chest bindings and shorts.

A chill snaked its way up my spine when a breeze blew by, but that didn’t stop me. My bare feet scraped on the wooden pier as I walked out to the end I sat on with Bull last night and plopped myself back down, and let my toes dip into the water.

It was blissfully cold, almost ice cold but that was what I wanted. I couldn’t turn my cold shower on and just jump in anymore, but this would do for today.

I closed my eyes and counted down from five.

Five.

Forget the demon.

Four.

Forget earth.

Three.

Forget responsibility.

Two.

Forget the mark.

One.

Jump.

On one, I opened my eyes and slid into the lake in one swift motion. The ice shocked my system and broke my train of thoughts; all I could think about was the ice water not entering my lungs.

I broke the surface and swam into the deeper parts of the lake, letting my body adjust and getting used to the cold. It was refreshing and invigorating, the quiet clam of the lake seeped into my bones calming my mind and stilling my body.

I looked up and started to float in the water, letting the cold body hold mine in an exercise of trust. The sky was starting to lighten, pink was in the edges of the horizon and the stars had started to fade. Morning was approaching, and I had better get out before one of my team left the cabin to see my pile of clothes just outside the door.

Bull had already caught me too many times out of bed doing strange things; he didn’t need to find me in the lake first thing in the morning. The man confused me. He was so smart, he knew that I needed to live because of the mark, but also I needed to die if it took over without me saying it first, but he was a mystery. His poker game was probably top notch.

So slid back under the surface of the water and swam back to the pier to haul myself out, and let the water drip off my short hair. I glanced at the door and windows, still no movement but that was good for me. I rushed over to my clothing and used my shirt to dry my hair off, then I threw on the large shirt and entered the cabin with the same trepidation I left it.

All four of my companions were still asleep, and I let out a sigh once more. At least they got a good night’s sleep; I walked over to my bags and riffled through them until I found the extra chest bindings and shorts. I changed in a flurry of clothing and started to make breakfast.

~*~*~*~*~*~

When we got back to Haven the Triad grabbed me and pulled me into a meeting. I was sitting at the front of the war table and I wasn’t really getting anything that they were saying.

“Kesta, this is important, Madam De Fer is not exactly like The Iron Bull or Sera!” I glanced at poor sweet Josephine before trying to get my brain back into the meeting. It was hard to sit and debrief when I had just gotten back from the hinterlands, I just wanted to go to my tiny cabin and sit in my bath until the water got cold.

“She is the first enchanter of the Montsimmard circle, and the Empresses court enchanter, she is not someone who can be recruited by a few words and money. Talk to her about sealing the Breach and helping stop the war between the mages and Templars.” Leliana finished and turned to the war table once more and pointed to Val Royeaux. “You will need some nicer clothes to go to one of her soirees, and better shoes too.”

I glanced down to the ratty once white now cream shirt then back to the immaculate Josephine and Leliana, their robes clean, full of beautiful colors and then back down to my brown pants, and nodded. I defiantly needed some nicer clothes.

“Great, we will start loading up a carriage and you will be off as soon as possible.” I snapped back to attention, leave only hours after I got back to Haven, I hadn’t even had a drink or changed my clothes yet.

“Do you think I’ll leave today?” Cassandra looked down to the table then back to me, her eyes pleading me to not argue with Leliana.

“Yes.” She gave me her short answer and left the small room. I let out a sigh that was so long Cullen even glanced at me before I stood and followed Leliana out of the room.

The chantry took my breath away each time I was there, it was so beautiful and serene, if there were rooms in there, I would want to stay in one and just take in the air of reverence, but I liked the cabin I was given.

The door was still open allowing the blinding light to shine in, lighting the path and giving me another visage of beauty, just a sliver of Haven and the green tinged sky.

I trudged in through the snow nodding at Threnn as I passed and coming up to Varric’s bonfire.

“Hey Girly, that was a crazy time on the storm coast, with the mark you know. If you want to talk about it…” His eyes were sincere, but the pen held in his hand said another thing.

“Nah, thanks though” I watched as he scribbled down something before focusing his attention back onto me. “You’re on the team for the soiree.” Watching his face fall was one of the funnier things I’ve ever witnessed.

I waved at him as I passed my home to the next two members of the party team. The gates were swung open when I approached and I walked out onto the training field.

Cassandra was slashing and hacking at the dummy, almost decimating it with a few hits before she moved over to the next one.

“Cassandra!” She looked up at me and gave a small smile before lowering her sword. “Need some stronger dummies I guess, maybe steel ones next time.” She barked out a harsh quick laugh before looking back at me.

“Those would get destroyed eventually too, these are just cheap. Did you need anything?” She was so accommodating, ever since the cell.

“Yeah, will you go with me to the soiree? Varric and Bull are going too.” She looked back at me with wide eyes full of surprise and a little fear, but she nodded all the same. “Thank you; I don’t know what I would do without you Cassandra.”

“You would do fine.” I shook my head and smiled before I responded.

“If who found me kept me alive.” I turned around and started towards Bull, who was starting to pitch tents for the chargers, and I shook my head when I heard the telltale snap of a broken dummy.

Krem waved me over and bowed when I approached, his eyes full of mirth and a smile the Cheshire cat would be proud of.

“Your Majesty.” He gave a long deep bow and kissed my knuckles, earning a giggle from me, and stood back to his full height. “I have no idea why you didn’t tell me the first time we met you were the Herald.” The twinkle in his eyes was so mischievous, I was almost worried.

“Well, if I did tell you then we wouldn’t be having this moment now.” Giggle score one for me. “Bull, you’re on the next mission, Orlesian soiree, just so you know Leliana will probably try to shove you into a shirt for it.”

“Thanks Boss, I love those little pastries they always have.” I waved the comedy duo away and made my back up the stairs into Haven. I pulled a left at Seggrit and made my way to the tavern for the strongest drink Flissa could get me.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Kesta put this on; maybe this one will fit better.” I grabbed the large fluffy dress Leliana handed me and tried not to be a party-pooper. This was the first time I had seen the harsh woman so giddy, her eyes were practically sparking with joy and excitement.

I turned around, currently only in my chest bindings and shorts, but soon I would need to change out of those for stockings and a corset, and started to shuffle into the pile of tulle. It wasn’t a flattering shape, making me look more like a huge pear than a put together Herald.

I turned back to Leliana and Cassandra, who both gave me the same look of despair that had been given to the last seven dresses Leliana placed in my arms.

“Can I see if I can find one I like?” An onlooker would have thought I told her to leave and never return, but Cassandra nodded and stood looking through a few for her own outfit for the soiree. Leliana stood and made to leave, but before she could something in the corner caught her eyes and she made a beeline for it.

I shimmied out of the pile of fabric and started to look for something a little less, well ostentatious. The dresses of Orlais were beautiful, silks and satin with the most complicated patterns and ruffles upon ruffles. It was a war of attrition to just find something that didn’t add twenty pounds.

“Kesta.” Cassandra called out to me from her side of the room, Josephine had walked back into the room with a few more of her old dresses, these were a little less bulky and Cassandra was holding a small silky dress out to me as well.

“I thought these might be a little more your size, and color” The pile of silk was all covered in crystals and stitching instead of tulle and ruffles, I reached out to the one Cassandra was holding out to me first but my gaze was still on the sparkling pile in Josie’s hands.

“I thought you would like it.” The one Cassandra held was a light orange that faded into a darker shade to finally red. The crystals that covered the top of the bodice and were more spread out the farther down the dress got. I let out a gasp when she let it slip showing the whole dress; I'm not ashamed of it.

“I love it, but what’ll you wear?” Her eyes widened and she looked back down to the dress and gave a short wistful look before she just shrugged. I looked back at the woman who became my closest friend in this world and pushed the work of art back into her hands.

“It’ll look better on you anyway, orange isn’t my color.” It was the best feeling to watch her jaw drop before she blushed, and finally looked back at me with the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.

I turned back to the pile Josephine brought and started to riffle through, not grabbing anything huge or tulle. I shuffled and flipped until I got to the dress I liked.

It was a pure black dress that went back to the floor and had caped sleeves and a high neck, but it was the embroidery that made me pick it. It was a silver thread that cast a beautiful geometric pattern and crystals sewn into the corners. It was beyond powerful, and I wanted to wield it.

I found the buttons in the back, started to methodically undo them all the way down, and pooled the silken dress in a small circle and stood in it. I pulled up the high-necked collar, slid the soft fabric along my mostly naked body until I finished by slipping my arms into the slim sleeves.

It fit like a glove when I held the back together, not buttoning it though, I turned back to Cassandra, who looked a little out of place holding the beautiful gown while still in her set of armor, and smiled.

“Can you button it for me?” a quick walk over and she had already started, I grabbed her dress and waited for her to finish, the dress getting tighter and tighter as she went, but never so tight I thought I would rip from me. It was a moment I would never forget when Cassandra finished buttoning it up, it was beyond me for a moment, like something else was working in the world as if I were meant to have this dress.

I heard her step back so I turned, letting the silk sway and let out a sigh, it moved like a second skin, tight but breathable. I’d never worn something so elegant outside of trying things on in the stores, but this was something else.

I could feel the love and thought that was sewn into every seam and the pure skill that it took to make it was unparalleled. For the time I was in Thedas I decided to find the beauty in the small things, how the grass grew and the beautiful embroidery in all parts of fabrics.

“I think I’ll go with this one.” Cassandra just smirked again, led me over to the other two currently in the sitting room drinking tea and probably planning someone’s demise and just left me there to be fawned over and properly fitted into the dress.

Josephine jumped up, clapped her hands once, and was off into another room. Leliana smiled at me, a soft and faraway look on her face before she started back reading the scroll of paper in her hands.

I stood there, not knowing whether to follow Cassandra, Josephine or to stay with Leliana, so I just stayed still. Varric and Bull were pulled aside by one of Josephine’s butlers and I hadn’t seen them since, maybe they were going through the male version of what Cassandra and I were, but only with more buttons.

“Kesta, here, these should fit.” I heard Josephine coming up behind me and saw the shoes she held in her hands, beautifully severe black boots, covered in more silver thread and crystals and they went to the top of my ankles with short spiky heels. I was glad that this was just a party, not an actual mission, if I had to fight in those I would break more than my enemies face.

Cassandra came back in her orange and red fire of a dress, her own sleeveless, showing off her strong arms and the long slit up the side giving us a small peek at her legs.

“You look outstanding Cassandra!” It was me who was clapping this time; I couldn’t hold in my joy, this was the perfect dress for her. It was soft and beautiful, but also severe and sharp, full of fire and passion. She had a pair of blood red flats in her hand as well, apparently not wanting Josephine to get her a pair of heels.

“You do too Kesta.” The small statement was hushed and pointed to the floor as Cassandra was starting to turn red, but she quickly got a hold of her face and headed over to Leliana, took one glance at the paper in her hand and let out the most disgusted noise I had ever heard.

“Don’t Cassandra, its high fashion in the winter palace this year.” Leliana placed the scroll onto the table and I saw several drawings of women with insane hairstyles that ranged from a mane of tangles with feathers stuck in ‘artfully’ to huge towers of braids draped over more braids.

With a wave, Cassandra dismissed the page, sat in a plop next to Leliana on the couch, and started to get undressed until she sat in only her chest bindings and shorts. I followed suit, unfastening the buttons carefully until I was in the same position.

Josephine returned in a clatter of heels, and when she rounded the corner, she was followed by a few extra men and women holding bundles of silk and boxes. It was like a dream from the little girl inside me, pampered after dressing up all day and now my hair and makeup, the only thing that could have made this better would be wine.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Move over Tiny, you’re taking up the entire carriage!”

“You were the one who wanted to arrive with the Herald.”

“Please, just shut up, were almost there.”

The packed carriage was stuffy and cramped, but I was having the time of my life. The magical people Josephine brought in made my face look like a movie star, and transformed my hair from a rats nest to something that a bride might wear if she had the money.

It was a dream, and this one I didn’t want to wake up from. The roads up to the soiree were lined with evenly placed trees and flowers; sometimes I would see a castle out in the distance, or a tower. It was how I imagined Ireland when Arnel visited for his internship.

I personally didn’t care about the packed travel, I was comfortable with all of my companions in there and all I could think about was how excited I was.

I looked back into the cabin, Cassandra in her flames next to me was so regal, her attitude to the pomp and circumstance kept mine up. It was hilarious to watch her argue with Leliana about her hair and makeup, mostly because I knew Leliana was going to win no matter what.

Varric had his shirt buttoned all the way and shaved his face for the occasion and was currently trying to get some room on the other side of The Iron Bull, but not quite succeeding and ending up with his face almost plastered to the window on the other side. The clothing found for him were so detailed that if I stared at his coat alone for an hour I probably wouldn’t find all the details.

The Iron Bull was another matter altogether. He was already very handsome as a shirtless man covered in rain on the coast, but here in this tiny cabin he was beautiful.

They somehow found him an eye patch that matched his inner shirt; either that or he had his own for formal wear, but it was how everything fit him that kept my eyes roving. The jacket was perfectly tailored, but the light pink shirt underneath was straining to contain the man’s muscles, and his pants! They were tight in all the right places.

I tried not to get caught ogling, but every once in a while I caught Varric scribbling something onto his ever present paper and glancing up at me while doing it. He stopped every time I caught him, but if he ends up writing a book about me I want to have him read it to me first.

There was a light tapping on the wall behind me then the carriage started to slow down to a crawl. Cassandra gave Varric the angry nun glare and he stopped complaining. I caught sight of The Iron Bull while he was adjusting his jacket, and he caught my eye with his back and gave me one of his big toothy smiles.

The carriage jerked and came to its final halt, and I gave him one back, I hoped it was as beautiful as the one he gave me.

Varric leaned over and opened the door hopped out and helping Cassandra out of the carriage like a proper gentleman, then Bull maneuvered so his horns could escape then stepped out. He reached back in and my nerves finally started to kick in.

I punched them back down and grabbed his large hand, and stepped out of the carriage. Bull was beyond gentle; his hands were so light I barely noticed when he added another to my lower back to help me stabilize in the heels. When I was fully out of the cabin, I glanced out around, seeing more carriages and horses than people in the area.

I looked back to Bull, who I had yet to let go of his hand and smiled. I was at his chin, much closer to eye level than before, and if I had the balls, I would have kissed him then and there. Instead, I just looked back to the small castle and started to approach, arm in arm with my bodyguard.

I heard some announcements, and approached the Herald calling them out just as Josephine told me to, and told him who we were. He checked the list, finding us fast and starting on Varric before I had time to prepare.

I took in deep breaths as he introduced Cassandra, and watched as she walked down the stairs trying my best to remember exactly how she moved her hips to make the dress sway just right.

I felt Bull leave when his gentle hand left mine to walk down. The words that were being spoken by the man next to me were so quiet compared to the blood rushing in my ears.

“Mistress Kesta Wilkinson, of the Inquisition!” My head snapped to the front when I heard my name and the entire room went silent.

My pulse pounded on every step down as I stared straight at bull, letting the crowd around disappear until it was just me moving back to him. I tried to be the elegant goddess Cassandra was when she moved, but I don’t think I quite pulled it off. When I reached the floor, the room was so silent I could probably hear a pin drop, but those seemed to be holding their breaths too.

Bull grabbed my arm again, becoming my strength again, and letting me come back to the party. I glanced at him, but he wasn’t looking my way this time, so I let my eyes linger on his jaw before going back to the crowd, now starting to disperse.

A few people had started to talk to Varric and Cassandra already, so I started to mingle too. I pulled lightly on Bulls arm and started to lead him to a couple near the stairs, hopefully as safe as they looked.

“It is a pleasure Serah, we rarely have a chance to meet any new faces, it’s always the same crowd at these parties. You must be a guest of Madam De Fer, or for the Duke Bastion?” We bowed to each other, but before I had a chance to answer, the young lady next to him launched her question.

“Are you here on business? I have heard the wildest tales about the inquisition, I can barely believe half of them are true!” I glanced over to Varric, currently talking with his hands telling, or maybe spinning a tale of an adventure that never happened, and let out a quick sigh.

“I think they may get a little carried away.” I felt bull pull away, being pulled into another conversation, so I let him leave, these two were perfect guests and I felt more and more comfortable than I probably should have.

“Only for the best though! The inquisition is a subject ripe for wild tales.” The gentleman next to her offered his hand and I heard the music starting to get louder and louder. I glanced out to the floor and saw Cassandra in her orange dress dancing with another masked man and Varric twirling around a fancily dressed woman. I grabbed the outstretched hand and allowed the man to lead me out onto the floor.

It was a slow waltz that he lead me through, not stepping too much into my space, but speaking lightly of the world’s events and the politics of Orlais, how the Empress has a new court enchanter and how they were warring with the dales again, pushing back against The Grand Duke Gaspard’s forces. I chatted with him about the bandits in the hinterlands, and how Haven was struggling with trade.

I tried to keep the conversation neutral, but still show the plight the inquisition was in due to the chantry denouncing us, just like Josephine told me to, but we kept getting side tracked by my adventures in the storm coast and the temple of sacred ashes. I had just touched upon the fact of the Marquis rightfully owned Haven and was allowing the inquisition to stay when the evening truly started to turn.

I was walking off of the floor with my dance partner when we started once more about what the inquisition was after, and I answered in my traditional, ‘we want peace and to fix the

“The inquisition is just a load of dog shit, it’s just washed up seekers and crazy sisters and no one can take them seriously because we all know it’s a ploy for a bunch of political outcasts to grab for power.” The voice came from a man waltzing himself down the staircase, drink in hand. I apologized to my dancing partner and let him leave.

“I’ve never made any claims to power, I just want to close the breach and restore order.” I could hear his scoff through his mask and if I could see his face, it would have been filled with a sneer.

“Here comes the outsider, restoring order with an army? We know what your ‘inquisition’ really is. It you had any honor you would meet me outside and answer the charges-” The man was getting closer and closer as he talked, and I was getting progressively more worried the closer he got that he would draw his sword here and gut me in my dress, but I was saved in the middle of his speech.

He froze, in the middle of his sentence with his hand in the air prepared to strike he was completely frozen. I started to notice the waves of steam coming off him, and I finally saw his eyes widen in fear. I glanced out around the ballroom, seeing Bull approaching me but not who caused the ice.

“My dear Marquis, how rude it is of you to use such derogatory language in my house, to my guests, you know how such behavior is…intolerable.” This voice was cool and calm, as if the Marquis had spilled wine on the drapery. The woman who spoke was walking down the same staircase he had walked down earlier.

The room had fallen silent; my party had all made it back to my side during the small speech and I was pumping full of adrenaline. I watched as the woman came onto the floor, the light reflecting off of her headdress and epaulettes.

She was masked like the rest, but that did nothing to hide the distain she held for the frozen, but when she turned back to me, I saw a small smile spread. She did not speak and we stood eyeing up each other until the marquis spoke once more and she turned back to him.

“Madam Vivienne, I humbly beg your pardon.” His voice shivered but that did nothing to thaw the ice surrounding him.

“You should. Whatever shall I do with you?” She turned back to me, and waved her hand over his form. “My dear, you happen to be the wounded party here, what would you have me do with this foolish, foolish man?” I schooled my face, trying to keep a good poker face on.

“I think the Marquis has learned his lesson.” She lifted her fingers and snapped once, releasing the man into a fit of coughing before sending him on his way.

Madam Vivienne started towards me again, her elegance almost coming off of her in waves and her serene smile covering up any inconsistencies in how she felt about the marquis.

“I'm so delighted you could attend my little gathering, I’ve so wanted to meet you.” Now that she was closer I could get a better look at what she looked like under her mask a little better. Her dark skin was smooth and so near perfect it was glowing, and her eyes were sparkling with mischief, not something I expected, but definitely welcomed. “I would like to speak more in private, would you join me?” I nodded and she started back up the staircase.

I felt something grab my wrist as I began to follow, and I turned to see Cassandra, with Bull and Varric close behind. All their faces worried and concerned, but somehow I knew Vivienne wouldn’t do anythign in private she wouldn’t do in public.

“Be careful.” Again, I nodded and she dropped my arm and let me follow. Vivienne wasn’t far ahead of me on the stairs, so it wasn’t difficult to follow her to the balcony she led me to.

“Allow me to introduce myself properly. I am Madam Vivienne, first enchanter of the Montsimmard circle and former enchantress of the imperial court.” Her small bow at the end almost sealed her induction to the inquisition there, but I wanted to see if she wanted to join me.

“Charmed, Madam Vivienne.” She let out a small chuckle and smiled again, moving to the balcony to gaze out into the night.

“Ah, but I didn’t invite you here to chat over tea. With Divine Justinina dead, the chantry is in shambles. The last of the faithful flock to your banner, pinning their hopes onto you to deliver them from the end, and as the leader of the last loyal mages in Thedas, I feel it only right to lend my skills to your cause.” I couldn’t hold my jaw together. No one had yet come to me with that proposition before, but i couldn’t turn down the woman, she actually wanted to join, and she knew what we were facing.

“The inquisition would be happy to have you Madam Vivienne.” She grasped my hand and smiled the same kind serene smile again and I knew that this wasn’t a mistake.

“Great things are coming my dear, I promise you that.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of my favourite chapters to write! I love Vivienne and exploring theories about the face.  
> The dress scene was purely for me.  
> And thank you for your continuous support!


	12. Why Is Sleeping So Hard?

I didn’t know what to do. We had made it back to Haven late last night and split, heading to our tents or cabins. I was alone, in my cabin and I just couldn’t stop thinking.

I wasn’t thinking about anything in specific, I just couldn’t stop. I was exhausted and ready to face plant into my bed but my feet were rooted to the ground behind the closed door. My thoughts on autopilot, shifting from home to the Breach to Bull. I wasn’t good enough yet, I was still a stupid child when it came to the ways of this world.

The soiree was a technical success, but it was a PR failure. A disgraced chevalier picking on the Herald and she not having a proper response, not good for business. Not to mention the fact Vivienne spirited me away for a while to talk after she joined officially so when we returned to the dance many members had left and Cassandra was beyond ready to be done.

And I didn’t get a dance with The Iron Bull.

I might still be sulking about that, but it was in the past and now I was here, stuck to my floor staring at my bed like it was a dragon. A deep sigh escaped me as I turned around and opened my door back up.

Haven was always quiet at night, like a dream back on earth, and I tried not to be found wandering the streets too often late at night. Last time someone caught me it was an assistant to Adan, and they were up in arms that I would catch my death out here if I stayed much longer then promptly ushered me back to my cabin. At least the people of Haven aren’t afraid of me any longer.

Another sigh escaped as I moved automatically to the tavern, Flissa was always kind after missions, half price since she still needs to make a profit, but for me she doubles the drinks up.

“Herald! Welcome back, anything you want?” Flissa was smiling from behind the bar, the rest of the tavern quiet, only a few older soldiers drinking were left and now me. A few of the men turned around at Flissa’s comment, but quickly went back to their own sorrows and glasses.

“Knock me out, the strongest thing you’ve got please.” I placed down some gold on the counter, probably more than the drink actually costs. Flissa never made me feel stupid about the things I didn’t know, she just helped me without asking questions. The first time I was in here, I had no idea what to do or say, this was nothing like a bar back home, but instead of leaving, I walked up to Flissa and requested the strongest thing and to keep it coming.

I grabbed a seat near the door; she knew my habits by now buy the bottle here drink it on the way back, maybe pass out on the floor instead of the bed and wake up again.

Flissa rooted around under the bar for a moment before she grabbed what she needed and started to head back to my table. The bottle she placed down was still sealed with its wax and full to the cork. This was a departure from our regular routine, normally I would get whatever hard liquor was opened that day, or the dregs of a few left over to make an especially potent cocktail.

“Special occasion I should know about Flissa?” While I asked I started fumble with my coin purse, trying to get a few more coins out for Flissa, but the young redhead placed a light hand on my shoulder.

“You over pay each night, I just thought I would give you something a little more like what you’re paying for.” She placed the corkscrew onto the table smiled one last time and went back to the bar to finish cleaning out the glasses and plates.

The corkscrew was a little different from mine back on earth, but it still worked the exact same. It took me a good moment to figure out how to work it, but eventually I got it opened.

I took a big gulp from the mystery liquid, expecting a fire or acid to burn my throat, but it was sweet. The aftertaste was still the same alcoholic beery taste that was in mead and ale’s, but it was like a warm glass of honey water.

With the bottle in my hand I stood and started to conspicuously back my way out of the tavern, I gave Flissa a quick wave and left. The night was still brisk, but my blood was warm with whatever mead was in my bottle. Before I could take another swig of the sweet drink, someone else grabbed it out of my hand.

“Chasind Sack Mead? Where did you get this?” Before I had a chance to grab my precious sleeping drug back, Bull took a large gulp and handed it back. He stayed silent as I took a large gulp once more. I wiped my face and smiled.

“What’ll you give me to tell?” The question came out in a singsong voice, and I swayed once while I tried to get better footing to look into his eye, but eventually I got closer to his face, but not by much.

I was at his chin staring up into his sea foam eye before I cracked and giggled. He was so good at his poker face, no emotion or reaction to me other than following me with his eyes.

He never answered my question, only kept watching me in silence. He must make an excellent spy for the Ben-Hassrath, and I only kept giving him more and more to give the Qunari, but at this point, I didn’t care.

“Want to go back to my cabin and finish the bottle with me?” I offered the bottle to him before I started to my small house. I felt him gently grab the bottle and heard his purposeful steps following just behind me.

My heart raced for the last few steps up to my house, nerves for nothing other than excitement. I opened the door and went to the fireplace first and started to light the candles around the one room cabin. Bull walked over to my small desk and sat as I finished lighting the room.

I took a moment to look for the glasses I know Cassandra brought around one time, but didn’t end up finding them. When I finally got back to my desk, I saw Bull looking at my notebook Varric was helping me with.

“Sorry I couldn’t find the glasses.” Bull looked up and for a moment looked almost sheepish for looking through my notes, but I didn’t mind that book being read, all it had in it was letters and small sentences. If he found the English journal under my pillow that would be a whole other can of worms.

“No problem, these yours?” He gestured to the pile of papers on the table after handing the bottle back to me. I took a long swig and nodded.

“Yeah, Varric and Cassandra are helping me read and write, once they found out they became like my teachers.” I took another swig, the bottle feeling much lighter than before and my head was much looser. I watched as Bull moved the childish writing around, but I was done talking about me.

“How did you get your name?” The question escaped me in a moment of distraction while I was looking at his scars that covered his face and upper body. He glanced back up at me and back to the papers.

“This may surprise you but I really like hitting things.” I looked back at him in confusion, that didn’t clear anything up, but before I could ask further he continued. “Josephine must not have told you much about the Qunari did her?”

This time it was my turn to laugh aloud, Josephine barely told me about the chantry and that was the main religion of Thedas, she didn’t even tell me Qunari had horns.

“No, she didn’t tell me anything about the Qunari actually.” I grabbed the bottle back and drank the last dregs of the mead, and he started to chuckle before it built into an actual laugh.

“So that’s why you looked like you saw a ghost the first time you saw me.” It wasn’t my best moment, meeting someone I didn’t even know could have horns, but at the time I thought I hid that fact well.

“Yeah, and why I ask so many questions.” This time when he looked back at me his face was completely blank, his eye pierced through me in that moment and I knew.

He knew my story was a lie.

“So, why Iron Bull?” I tried to get back on the subject we left to the side, but my nice buzz was erased with a nagging acid in my throat. He looked back to the papers and back to me before erasing the analyzing look on his face with the easy smile I came to hope he would show more, he also knew the erase and replace method of covering emotions.

“Well, first you gotta know, Qunari don’t have names, only titles. After I came to Orlais as a Tal-Vashoth, I needed to blend in. And it’s The Iron Bull, I like the article in front, gives the impression that I'm just a mindless killing machine, and since I liked to hit things, Bull just fit.” I looked at the man for a long time trying to take all that he said in.

No names, no wonder his name was so strange, I could only imagine what his ‘name’ was when he was back in Par Vollen. He sat in silence with me, not asking me any questions but I knew they were starting to build.

“Thank you Bull.” He snapped his head back up to meet my gaze, his one eye not reveling anything and his eyepatch glinting off if the candle light. “You’ve answered every question I’ve thrown at you, and haven’t asked anything in return.” I knew I was stepping into deep waters here, but I believed firmly in fairness.

He just stared back at me for a second longer before nodding and grunting out a quiet ‘you’re welcome’ before looking back at my messy writing. I grabbed the quill, ink well, and began practicing the kings’ alphabet again. Bull sat next to me and watched my shaky hands make the letters so very different that my own.

I finished every alphabet with my name, trying to get used to seeing it look so foreign and to memorize it as fast as possible. I was back in kindergarten once again, learning a language from the ground up.

We sat in silence for a while, only the flipping of pages and the scribbling of my quill filling the space, eventually I stopped hearing pages rustling and I filled the page with simple sentences.

I looked over to Bull, who was watching my writing with a tired eye, my stomach immediately dropped, was I keeping him up too long? I laid my hand lightly in his shoulder and he looked back at me, his eye just as sharp as it was in battle.

I lost my courage in that moment, and asked if he would look over my writing for any errors instead of anything deeper, like how I was starting to like his eye on me too much.

I watched as he carefully read each word, taking a moment in some places to figure out a word or letter. His eye scanned the small piece of paper quickly and he handed it back.

“You’ve made a few mistakes here and here, but you’re doing better than I did when I learned common.” I watched carefully at where my mistakes were, and listened when he explained the little things that helped him when he learned it.

It took a moment for me to register he stopped talking after he handed my page back, and when I looked back to him he was just looking at me with that blank face again, not reveling what his thoughts were at all.

I was falling farther and farther into danger. Every time we spoke he took off a mask of mine, and cracks the carefully crafted one by Leliana.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Girly, you look like hell.” Varric was the one to greet me this morning, his lopsided grin almost mischievous, and quickly almost turned sinister when it spread out. “Did you have a tumble with the big guy?”

If I was drinking water that would have been the only real spit take I would have ever done, but thankfully, I had yet to see Flissa. Instead, I'm pretty sure I turned bright red and shook my head lightly.

“Not that I would be against it, but all we did was practice my writing.” His face fell as the rumor fell apart in his head. “Have you seen Cassandra anywhere, she wanted me to train with the soldiers today.”

“Ooh! The men will see their great Herald get taken out again and again by our seeker.” I smiled at the light jab at my skill and gave him a chuckle.

“Not Cassandra, I think Cullen and a few of his senior officers are going to knock me down.” He barked out a cackle, grabbed his quill and notes, and headed to the training grounds.

I shook my head and went to the chantry, hoping Cassandra, or someone who knew where she went would be nearby. The heavy doors were closed to keep the warm air from the fires in, but the only problem with that was I was always opening the doors and letting out all the warmth.

“Darling, it is good to see you, even if it is not at your best.” A silky voice called from a fireplace and called me over. Vivienne had set up just inside the chantry, books piled up in even stacks and drapery hung in just the right way that it looked like magic, it might have actually been magic with all I knew.

“Yeah, I was up late studying.” She nodded in approval, her eyes were nearly as piercing as Bulls one, but less like I was a puzzle to be solved and more like I was a lost puppy who was told they needed to save the world.

“It is always good to expand your knowledge, but not at the cost of your health, the mage Solas mentioned the mark to me in passing yesterday and how it affected you the first few days.” I didn’t look at my hand, her eyes glanced down at it, clearly interested, but not asking.

I’ve know people like Vivienne my entire life, women who climbed their way to the top know how not to ask questions, I always admired their abilities to get someone to want to reveal their darkest secrets.

“Would you like to examine it sometime Vivienne?” She blinked quickly before placing the calm serene smile back on and nodding.

“I would love to darling, but first I would like to discuss a matter with you, as you know the mages and Templars are at war, what do you imagine will happen if the circles are not restored, do you believe the Dalish will take us under their wings after all this.” It took me a second to understand that she actually wanted me to answer the politically charged question, like asking who you were voting for on election day.

“This was isn’t good for anyone, it’s spilling out into towns and hurting innocent civilians. It must end and order needs to be restored.” I tried to be as neutral as possible while still giving her my feelings, I didn’t have enough information to point blame to either side.

“Indeed, if only the rebels thought the same.” Vivienne nodded solemnly, bringing her hands to carefully sit on the table, her eyes sad. “Divine Justinia’s death, was a tragedy that shattered the balance of power in Thedas, and countless more will die if it not taken care of swiftly. All people, innocent and guilty look to the inquisition to decide their fate.”

“I’ll do my best, I want peace for everyone.” She glanced at me quickly before looking back to the fire in the hearth.

A chess queen, that’s what she was like to me. Silent and powerful, but not in the center of the action, pulling strings and working in the shadows to facilitate the image of an unflappable queen.

“That is a good thing to hear dear, for a thousand years we thought we were in the hands of the maker, and now many believe that you are the new agent of his will, whatever the truth may be.” She waved the comment that was working its way out of me, and continued. “That belief gives you the power to change things.”

“No one should have this power, absolute power corrupts absolutely.” I stared at her; that was something I felt strongly about, I shouldn’t have this power, it was meant for something else.

“And perhaps no one should, but you do and now you must decide.” She glanced at something behind me, smiled one more carefully crafted smile, and started to head back into her study nook. “I’ve stolen enough of your time dear.”

“This is where you are?” Cassandra’s voice was behind me and not exactly happy.

“I was trying to find you.” She let out a frustrated sigh and just left the chantry, with me close on her heels. We walked through haven in silence, the only sound was the mummer of shopping and footsteps in snow.

The soldiers were already doing drills, Cullen at the front of the group yelling at the men to correct some error in form, Blackwall was off to the side watching, his eyes following soldiers who were lagging behind, and Bull.

He stood near the corral and watched with his piercing gaze, all the soldiers were in his line of view and so was I now, I waved at him but continued following Cassandra, eventually to where some soldiers were sitting and chatting amongst each other.

“She is here now, let us begin.” The four men all huddled together nodded and stood, stretching and moaning that they had sat for too long. I started towards where the weapon rack was, since my axe was with Harritt to be repaired, but Cassandra grabbed my shoulder and steered me back to the small area.

“It will be hand-to-hand combat; the basics will help you in fighting with your axe.” She turned back to the men and I started to get worried, I never got in fights back home, and if I did with my brothers then it ended quickly.

Eventually they played some kind of not-it game and the first combatant was in front of me. I tired to get into some kind of fighting stance, but Cassandra liked to throw me into situations to see how I handled them without any information, I on the other hand liked that part a lot less.

“Ready, fight.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

It was dark by the time Cassandra called off the fight. I was covered in cuts and bruises, my lip was split in two places and my right eye was swelling, but I actually didn’t care.

I was half into another bottle of mead from Flissa, this time alone, and proud of myself.

I was nowhere near the level of the men I fought today, or Cassandra, or anyone else in the cabinet of the triad, but I was getting better. I managed to get at least one good solid hit in every fight, and I actually won one, even if it was the second to last one.

I noticed during the break times a few members of the cabinet were watching my fights, Varric predictably was documenting all of it, his quill flying across the page every time I glanced over, and every once in a while I caught Bull’s eye on the fights as well.

It wasn’t weird anymore, I think having Cassandra beat the shit out of me for the first week of training really made stage fright a thing of the past, that and the rest of the soldiers had all also had their asses handed to them their first weeks too.

I wasn’t good enough yet, I was still fumbling with fighting and the breach still hung above in the sky, but I was much closer to where I needed to be now than I was before.

The bottle in my hand dropped and I jumped almost out of my seat, the papers before me sat untouched today, sitting exactly where Bull and I left them last night. I wanted to practice more, get better at keeping up Leliana’s mask by actually knowing things, but I was dead tired.

I picked up the bottle from the ground and placed it as gently on the table as my drunken mind would allow, before slowly stripping my clothes to just my underclothes and lying in bed.

This was the worst part of Thedas, the night time in buildings. It wasn’t so bad out in the woods, I could see stars or hear birds and bugs, but here in my cabin was so stiflingly quiet, all I could do was to stoke my fireplace and hope I fell asleep from the booze.

I let out a huge sigh and got off of the bed, it wasn’t the time to sleep apparently, and now that I was thinking of dreams and that strange one I had the other day I had something to do.

Vivienne would be asleep by now, so that left me with the hope that either Solas was awake, or a light sleeper. So I eased my door open as quietly as I could, the hinges squeaking just the slightest bit when I closed it and made my way to the other side of Haven.

I was at the small cabin faster than I thought I would be, and even more nervous than I was when I left my door. I paced in front of the door a few times before I got my courage up and knocked.

It was silent for a moment, but I heard shuffling just a second later and the door opened to a sleepy Solas. He blinked a few times and waved me into his cabin.

“Good evening, would you like some tea?” I smiled and shook my head, I would have to jump right into it, if I beat around the bush I would never actually ask the question.

“No thank you. I have a couple of questions about dreams.” He sat on the chair on the opposite side of me and nodded, not asking what questions brought the Herald out of her cabin at midnight.

“Are, this is going to sound as strange as telling you I'm from another planet. How are dreams different here?” Immediately I raised my hands and shook my head, he didn’t know what dreams on earth were like. “Are dreams magic?”

He sat for a long time, not looking at me but at his tea, stirring and stilling as he thought. He looked back up at me, his eyes not revealing anything about his thoughts, and in the moment, I thought Bull and he should have a chess battle, see whose poker face was better.

“When someone dreams, their consciousness is taken to the fade.” I tried to erase the delightful image of a chess game between Bull and I another time and forced my attention back to Solas. “Demons and spirits reside in the fade and it is where magic comes from. Mages draw upon the fade for all their magic.”

“So, demons and spirits shape dreams?”

“Not most of the time, mostly dreams are of your mind, there is a change in the fade and your dream is real there. You shape the world around you there. Most of the time people do not notice they are in the fade, and end up waking, or getting trapped by a demon.” It took a moment before I responded, but Solas was patient.

It was one of the things that I really liked about Thedas, people waited. If I was talking to someone they wouldn’t try to finish my sentence or find the right word unless I asked, it was nice.

“So, what happens if someone knows they are in the fade?” It took Solas a long moment before he answered me, taking a few sips of tea before meeting my gaze and asking a question along with his answer.

“It depends, most of the time it is mages who are able to traverse the fade in their dreams, but I have heard of a few who have and were not mages. The attract demons and spirits to their dreams. The fade is shaped by those in it, and the demons may design it to trap people for their uses. Have you seen something in your dreams?”

“Yeah, I had a dream the other night after we picked up Blackwall, a demon was pretending to be my old boss, until I figured out it was a dream, since I was back home.” He nodded and looked back into his tea.

“The mark may be a beacon to demons in the fade, like a mage is.” I looked down at the accursed mark, it swirled and pulsed like a tide pool in my hand, and it was a lighthouse to demons too. Great.

I thanked Solas for the information and this time I apologized for waking him at midnight. I left the house and closed the door. My feet started to move, one heavy step at a time towards the tavern, its warmth was emanating from the open door, and when I got in Flissa nodded to me.

“Herald, what’ll you have?” I knew it wasn’t good to drown my worries in booze, but at this point I didn’t care. I asked for my usual, and sat almost motionless, trying not to let my brain run away with itself.

A bottle appeared in front of my face and a weight settled across the way from me. I had hoped it was Bull, but that would be my fairy tale ending to the day.

“Didn’t know glowy people drink, what’re you having?” Before I could answer Sera she opened the bottle for me and took a gulp, coughing and sputtering for a second after.

“I don’t know whatever Flissa feels like giving me today.” She pushed the dark bottle back to me, and waved the barmaid back over to give her own order.

“So, this is it yeah?” I glanced at her over the bottle and chuckled, we hadn’t had a chance to talk proper since I recruited her (or she recruited herself) but before I got a chance to say it was the foundations of something she continued. “It’s not bad or anything, I just thought it’d be bigger.”

She giggled for a long time after that one, and I joined in. She only stopped when Flissa returned with her bottle of much lighter ale.

“That would have been so much funnier if you were a guy, anyway, shouldn’t there be more people, you know, can’t they see the huge green hole in the sky. Stopping wars should make you more coin, gotta keep it flowing to keep things normal. Just another reason the Templars and mages need to be sat down.” It took me a moment to download all that, but I felt the same though a little less on the coin part.

“It’s not just the Templars and mages though.”

“Yeah, the breach, but I can’t shoot arrows at that. Well, I mean I have, they just don’t come back down. Weird right, weird and right there.” The young woman’s arm flung above her, gesturing wildly at the celling, before letting it drop back to the table. “And they still want to punch each other? Too busy to look up and ask questions.”

“Well, it is easy, ending all war and stitching the sky back together, easy right? The easier one first of course.” Her face fell for a moment but she laughed the next.

“Most people would lose the snark, with everything being so crazy, you must be daft though. I think I’ll like working with you Miss Lady Herald, maybe you are a touched.” This time I laughed, I let myself go for a moment and pretended it was Merle across the way and we were laughing about the bitch Ali. I wiped my eyes and took another swig of whatever fire Flissa gave me.

“I think I’ll like having you around too Sera.” I stared to get up, a little wobbly from the booze, and quickly Sera was helping me up. I let out another giggle before we managed to exit the tavern without an incident.

We got to my cabin fast, Varric’s fire vacated and slowly dying down and the soldiers that milled around were all on watch and too tired to care about a drunken Herald and her friend. Sera tripped on the first step, but I managed to keep her upright before we pitched into the stairs. She smiled and left me at the door, her quiet footsteps muffled by the snow to the point I couldn’t hear her after she left my wooden porch.

I was alone with my brain again, but this time I had booze to shut it up. The bottle Flissa put down was like a fiery whiskey, burns all the way down and just smolders. I took a few more gulps before I flopped down onto my bed and passed out into oblivion.


	13. May I Be Excused?

The day started early. I woke when the birds started cawing; though I did everything in my power to get back to sleep. I laid in bed staring at the static wooden beams that held the celling up. At least in my apartment I had a fan to stare at.

So, eventually I stood and stretched out. I didn’t bother with a clean set of clothes, it’s not like anyone in haven cared that I was wearing the same shirt as I was yesterday. I went into my yoga after that; I had started doing it more after the time in the storm coast. I loved how it felt to just let everything go for a second and just focus on the movement.

“Lady Herald!” The yell and consequent banging on my door shocked me enough that I stumbled and fell down. The next moment the same elf as my first awakening in haven burst in. She fell onto the ground in front of me and started babbling faster than I could understand.

“Are you alright?” I walked over and helped her to her feet; she stood a little shorter than me, but only by a little. “What’s going on?”

“Lady Cassandra needs you in the chantry at once!” A laugh bubbled out of me and the young woman started to look more worried than she did when she broke down my door.

“Okay, I’ll be there soon, take a deep breath.” I hadn’t realized I grabbed her shoulders until now, and I dropped them as soon as I noticed, but not after giving her a hopefully warm squeeze. “What’s your name? What’s happening up at the chantry?”

“Layla you grace, The Commander and Nightingale have been fighting all morning and now the Ambassador has started to join in.” She looked beyond confused at my lines of questioning, but answered nonetheless. So the cabinet was fighting amongst itself? That was never a good sign.

“Thank you Layla, go get a warm meal at Flissa’s, I think that we’ll be talking a long time.” I placed a single gold coin in her hands and left through the open door, not wanting to fight her on it.

I rushed up the staircase and brushed passed soldiers that were avoiding the chantry. The closer to the building I got the less and less men I saw, Threnn was where she always was, working diligently away for all the soldiers supplies and a few sisters were also milling around, but they gave the chantry a wide berth.

I hunkered down, marched up to the doors, and opened them. The building was warm and homey like normal, I gave Vivienne a wave and she nodded back with a pinched expression. 

It wasn’t a good sign that I could hear the yells from here, and that must be what was causing the pinched face.

The sounds of three voices trying to yell over each other emanated from the war table room, I glanced around, but I only saw Mother Giselle and Mineave, currently making their way into Josephine’s office.

I wanted to go and speak with Vivienne, but I knew I needed to talk with Cassandra, she did send Layla after me. So instead of chickening out I walked up to the door and entered.

The yelling stopped the second I walked in, as if it were about me, but the second Cullen and Leliana saw it was just me they went back to arguing, just less loudly this time.

“The Templars are the only ones who can help us seal the breach! The order was founded to combat magic!”

“The mages are also powerful, lest you forget; they can also close the breach! There are no circles with restrictions now!” 

I stared as Leliana and Cullen stared each other down, their eyes full of fire. 

“We still need to find where The Lord Seeker took his Templars; we already know where the mages are.” Cullen’s eyes gleamed for a moment and a smug grin made its way onto his lips before he spoke again.

“We have received word from a recruit. They are gathered at Therinfall Redoubt.” Leliana looked taken aback for a second, her arms crossing and her eyes burning holes into Cullen’s smug look. Cassandra surged towards the war table and rested her hands on the map.

“That has been vacant for decades, why would he take them there?” She kept looking at the map, her eyes searching for an answer it couldn’t give.

“In any case, we must approach the Lord Seeker again to get anywhere. We can ask him then.” Josephine bit back with a little too much force, she looked back to me, her eyes ringed with circles from her long nights writing letters and taking care of nobles. She deserved a break.

“If we give them some kind of solid plan to close the breach, the Templars might just listen.” Josephine smiled, her tired eyes flitting over to Cassandra and Leliana before writing a few things on her –I think it was a clipboard.

“We need to make ourselves a more attractive target to even receive and audience.” Leliana wasn’t looking at the map like Cassandra; her eyes were glued to mine, like a hawk or eagle.

“If its status the Lord Seeker wants, I can get the noblest houses in Orlais to approach with us.” Josephine had here planning face on, her eyes sharp and her mouth a drawn line.

“Yes, they will approach with us and demand the Templars close the breach. They did abandon Val Royeaux, even if they will not follow the inquisition, they might just follow their duties.” Leliana had started pacing the length of the table, looking over the map, eyes scanning for something all over it.

“You’re right, even the Lord Seeker would not be able to ignore so many nobles yelling at his doorstep.” Cassandra started nodding as she talked, as if convincing herself it was a plan that would work.

“Especially if those nobles are led by the Herald of Andraste.” This time it was me who threw the glare Leliana’s way, she knew how I felt about the title, but this was the best option for peace.

“If they can help me close the breach, I’ll do anything.”

“The rumor among the Templars is that you were saved from the fade by Andraste, it has started to spread like fire.” This time I let out a long groan and held my head in my hands.

“We have done our part to encourage it.” My head snapped up and I tried to burn Leliana alive with my glare.

“You know that I'm not. I am not a Herald of anything.”

“I know that is what your belief is. Others believe otherwise, it is the best move it embrace the title and use the influence it gives you. A woman with a few companions can be dismissed in a second, a Herald with a noble following is not so easily ignored.” I just nodded, not wanting to fight the woman behind the scenes of our operation.

“And if that influence makes the Templars pause in the Lord Seekers orders, he may start to rethink his stance.” Great, now Cassandra, who actually did think I was the Herald, joined in. I was loosing footing farther and farther on this issue, soon I would be crowned Herald in a chantry somewhere and I didn’t believe a word of it.

“With all due respect Cassandra, with everything he said in Val Royeaux hang what the Lord Seeker thinks.” He paused for a moment, thinking on something until he started to speak again. “I don’t think we actually need the lord seeker, we just need the Templars. And if they join under the Lord Seeker, who knows if they’ll betray us later.”

They all made good points; I would need to come to terms with being the Herald, abandoning the Lord Seeker, and practice the art of talking to nobles. It was an exercise in patience and acting.

“I will begin contacting the nobles.” Josephine gave a reassuring squeeze to my shoulder as she left, and Cullen and Leliana started to disperse as well, in opposite directions.

It was quiet when they left; Cassandra was standing next to me her hands back on the map and her eyes were focused on one part of it. I griped her shoulder and started to leave, but before I did, I looked back.

“Cassandra, we’re going to put everything right.” She nodded but didn’t respond, so I left.

The chantry was stuffy and claustrophobic at this point, my mind was spinning over the words spoken in that room, I needed to put my feelings aside and do what was best for Thedas. I probably caused it all, so now I needed to give up struggling against my fate.

It was so hard to though.

The front door couldn’t come fast enough, and I practically burst out of the chantry, the cold air hitting my face and cooling the flush that had started to build.

I started to walk to the gate, not making eye contact with anyone I knew, tried my best not to start running, and when I got to the gate I slipped out as sneakily as I could. I jogged into the woods until I thought I was in the clear to run.

I was scared of all this, responsibility. I was just a girl who didn’t know anything, why were they trying to get me to make these choices. Why couldn’t I just close the breach, why did they want me as their Herald, it was my fault.

It was there running in the woods when I finally took responsibility for all this. It was my fault, and this was my chance to fix it.

My chest started to burn and I could feel the tears starting to well up, whether it was from the cold wind or the fact that I was responsible for killing hundreds at the conclave.

It was a cabin that made me slow down and stop; in the middle of the woods, silent and dark; it was clear that it had been abandoned. It was perfect to be alone and to think.

My breathing was ragged and short as I walked up to the small house. The door was surprisingly unlocked, but the windows were all blown out so I shouldn’t have been too surprised.

The door swung closed behind me, and I stood in partial darkness with my guilt and realizations.

I was falling.

I was stuck in a situation where I had to fake it to make it, but I didn’t even know how to fake being a religious leader, I didn’t know how to negotiate with hostile parties to stop a war. I was a cashier and a waitress, not a college educated Politian.

My back hit the door and I slid down, loosing the battle with my mind. I didn’t know what to do at all anymore, should I start with making my story stronger, make it air tight so not even my Ben-Hassrath spy could see through it, or should I start on pretending to be a faithful member of the chantry.

In the darkness I sat there for a long time, just crying (it was more like sobbing) about everything that was happening. My tears eventually started to lessen, and my head finally rose and rested on my knees.

I didn’t have my apartment here, my cabin wasn’t alone, people could walk in whenever and see me in the middle of… everything. I couldn’t break down in the middle of the village, in a wooden house that leaked sound like a sieve filled with water.

This cabin was exactly what I needed, somewhere far away where I could cry and be wallow in my troubles for a while, let the tragedy of the conclave wash over me, and let the guilt sit and just be there. I took in a few more deep breaths and finally stood up again.

I looked around the cabin, and actually looked at it. It was a small one-bed home, full of dust and notes covering all the surfaces. There were drawings of plants and bottles on many of them, and even more words I had yet to learn how to read, a few caught my eye on the desk, clearly the most recent of them, and had a name on them that I actually could read.

A small note was written at the top, it had something new for mages, but it was for Adan, the apothecary for haven. A rush of pride welled up in my chest and I folded each paper carefully, putting them in my undershirt.

It was at this point I started to realize I was getting colder and colder. I hadn’t gotten properly dressed after Layla had crashed into my room, so I was left in my cream shirt and leather pants.

I glanced out at the blown windows; the sun was still high in the sky. I wasn’t in the cabin for too long, maybe no one noticed I was gone.

The heavy knock that came on the door told me otherwise. I wiped my face down and slapped it a few times, trying to forget what had happened this morning and my breakdown a few minutes ago.

“Can I come in?” My hands froze on my face, it was The Iron Bull. I turned and opened the door for him, gesturing for him to enter.

It was certianly a sight to see the large man enter the tiny cabin; his horns touched the celling and made a grinding sound until he sat on the small bed in the corner. He stared at me for a long time, his only eye not hard, but not soft either, just still and analyzing.

“You okay, I saw you bolt into the woods a while ago, took me forever to find this.” He was still a perfect poker player, nothing on his face showed what he was thinking. I was never scared of Bull, he promised to be my bodyguard, but I was scared of what I was starting to feel for him, and for what he might know.

“Yeah, I just had to run for a bit, get the energy out you know.” It was clear he didn’t believe the shaky lie I just pulled out of the air for him. His chin rested on his hands and he just kept staring, not speaking or moving.

I wanted to tell him, that’s what I was scared of. I trusted this man for no reason, same with Varric, and I wanted to stop putting up the false past for him. I wanted more than anything to tell him I was from another planet.

“Sorry for the insubordination, but I’m calling bullshit.” It took me a moment to fully process what he said, but when I did, I laughed a short humorless bark.

“You can’t commit insubordination to someone who isn’t a leader.” He just kept staring at me, this time he shook his head and dropped his eyes to the dust that was only disturbed around the door desk and where he went.

I was a magician that was trying to hide a house fire with a cape, oooh look here, ignore the catastrophe behind me please, and look at this pretty coat.

“Boss, you might think you’re a good liar, but not nearly as good as a Qunari re-educator.” He met my eyes again and continued. “I notice things; it’s why I'm a spy.”

I was in such deep shit.

I had to think of something.

“You know how everyone thinks I'm the Herald.” He nodded. “I don’t. I don’t believe in the maker, but now were going to the Templars, and they just keep putting me in charge Bull! I have no idea what I'm doing, why do they want me to negotiate deals with that mad man. And all of this might as well be my fault, I'm the only connection to the breach and I still don’t know how it happened, shouldn’t I have remembered by now, shouldn’t I know how-” 

I cut myself off before I actually got into the real break in my mask. He didn’t question it, hopefully thinking I stopped because I was babbling.

“You’re not Andrastian?” A shake of the head confirmed it.

“I'm not a soldier, general or religious leader. I'm just a woman who wants the war to stop.” I was dangerously close to reveling everything.

“Sometimes that’s all you need.” I dropped back to the ground, and rested my head on the door, I couldn’t look at him anymore, his sea foam eye was piercing.

“Do you know how the Qunari pick our leaders?” I shook my head and looked back at him with the look of no duh. “We don’t pick the strongest or smartest or even the most charismatic. We pick the people who can make the hard decisions and live with the results.”

I sat there, a long time thinking on his words. That probably was the best way to do it. “If I could pick, it would be Cassandra, she’s been the de-facto leader up to this point.”

Bull had stopped making faces at the strange things I said, he didn’t even blink when I said things that as a peasant I would never have known. He nodded with my answer, as it was the best option for the moment.

“We’ll see, when the cards are on the table is when you see the real strategist.” He stood; his head ducked so his horns wouldn’t scrape again and stared into my eyes again, not blinking or diverting to anything around me. His hand reached out to me and stayed there until I grabbed it.

He helped my off the floor, my but had started to go numb and I was glad for the help. It was a silent walk back to camp, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I had the stone of uncertainty in my stomach, but my chest was lighter than it had been for days.

I made my way back to my cabin after I left Bull with the chargers. I didn’t know why he followed me, and I didn’t want to know, it would ruin my imagination that he was also starting to fall for me. 

I felt a high school student crushing on someone, my heart was butterflies when he was near and any time he showed he was thinking about me made me dizzy.

I was in so much trouble.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Ah, the Herald of Andraste.” I swung my head around to find a masked noble waving me over. He gave a flowery bow before he started talking again. 

“Lord Esmeral Abernache. I am honored to even participate. We shall make history like the second dispersal of the reclaimed Dales, and Lady Vivienne! We met at the last summers ball, the Duke introduced us, are you here to leach the Templars once more?”

I was left blinking, but I was saved from answering by Vivienne, who passed the Lord with her head held high and didn’t even look at the man as she spoke. “I could not have forgotten the occasion.”

I held my laughter at the smug look I saw a whisper of on her face when I caught up to her. She looked back to me, her smooth outfit as skin tight as I’d seen in Thedas, and gave me the business smile.

“The Lord Seeker is willing to hear our petition about closing the Breach, a credit to your ambassador for our alliance to make this possible. Care to mark the moment, not every centuries to ten Orlesian nobles walk under one banner.” I was stuck for a moment, but I knew that if Josephine was there with me she would be diplomatic, and I would try my best as well, even if I had no idea what I was doing.

“No big speeches my Lord, just give me the chance to talk to the Lord Seeker.” The huff the Lord gave me after told me he wanted speech after speech.

“Speeches have their merit, Herald.” He almost spat out the title I had yet to claim like it was burnt, but shook himself before starting again. “Speaking of the Lord Seeker…I don’t suppose you would reveal what secret finally got their attention, roumors will if you do not.”

That had frozen me for a second, what had I done? We didn’t do anything to get his attention; we just got a letter from a recruit who thought things were wrong. Not some secret blackmail on the Lord Seeker. “What do you mean?”

“The Lord Seeker will not meet any of the noble houses until he has had an ‘in-person’ greeting with you. Quite a surprise considering what happened in Val Royeaux.” This was getting more and more worrisome the more and more I learned about it. Was it too late to visit the mages?

“The inquisition has only ever asked for help with refugees and help closing the breach, this is new.” I wished Orlesian didn’t wear masks; maybe I could get a real feel for them, or even look them in their eyes.

“Then it must be the work of your ambassador, I say let the diplomats work their magic, it’s what their for after all.” The more Lord Abernache talked the less I liked him, he spoke as if we didn’t even need to know what was going on to get it right. “And between you and I, the chantry never truly used the Templars to their full advantage. A wiser leader should steer them into the new age. Here we are!” 

The obnoxious man stopped talking and surged ahead with such purpose I felt bad for the Templar guards who would have to deal with him.

Vivienne pulled me aside for a moment after Lord Abernache finished talking at me. “Dear, you cannot let these men bog you down with useless pleasantries; we are here for the Templars, not their sensibilities.” The words were harsh, but she spoke them in such a warm tone, and her eyes were genuine.

I was even gladder that I decided to bring her with, but I figured she would be good to get the Templars talking, the last of the loyal mages she said, and so far, she was an excellent addition.

I also brought Varric with me, his sharp eye for words would be necessary if I actually managed to get an audience with the Lord Seeker and needed to work out a treaty, that and his shot with Bianca was so reliable I knew he had my back.

“Nice, very defendable, I like it. There were issues worked out building it too.” And I brought Bull. I know what you’re thinking, you are falling for him, and he’s a spy, blah blah blah. 

He was too needed by my side for my silly worries. A spy among scared sheep can discover a lot, I hoped he would be able to get a different read on the Templars.

I flashed him a quick smile for bringing up the humor, breaking the heavy air Lord Abernache left us with; before I could tear my eyes away from Bull he winked and looked back to the nobles massing in front of the gates.

“It’s a good thing you got the nobles all together, maybe the Templars are attracted to shiny objects, like little birds, or demons.” That one got an un-Herald like snort and a whisper of a smile from Vivienne.

With a few jokes out of the way, I maneuvered my way through throngs of angry nobles to reach the gate with Lord Abernache waiting, or well more like fuming because he had to wait.

“I present Knight-Templar Delrin Barris, second son of Bann Jervin Barris of Ferelden.” I heard a call from an actual herald, his thick accent marring his words to sound like he had cotton for a mouth. “Ser Barris, May I be so honored to present Lord Abernache of-”

When I was finally at the gate, the young man cut off his announcement because when the Knight saw me he surged forward into my personal bubble. It was the questioning Templar from Val Royeaux, the one that thought things weren’t quite right with the Lord Seeker.

“I was the one who sent for the inquisition. Commander Cullen said that you work to close the breach in the veil.” His honeyed eyes looked so deep set in worry that they might never look happy again and when he glanced at Abernache, he looked almost disgusted for a second before muttering. “I didn’t think you’d bring this lofty of company.”

Before I got the chance to say that I appreciated him reaching out to us Abernache started a snide comment about Barris’ birth order and station, but Barris didn’t even look at the man, his honey eyes hard and scared staring right into my soul.

“The promise of status had garnered the Lord Seekers attention, beyond sense.” That caught my attention, beyond sense? Did that mean he got crazier after he took the Templars from Val Royeaux? “The sky is burning with magic but he has ignored everything about it until you and your allies arrived.”

That was beyond sense for sure, ignoring the huge hole in the sky is one thing, taking all the Templars away because of some reason he has yet to reveal to us. “It’s why the inquisition came Ser Barris, we’ll see what we can do.” Barris’ face was drawn and pinched, after I finished.

“It’s shameful, or actions as of late, our orders.” We needed to get to the Lord Seeker asap, if he was keeping things from the Templars like why they left Orlais what else was he hiding. 

Barris must have been thinking the same thing or at least something similar because his face fell farther into sadness and he let out a huge sigh.

“The Lord Seeker has been making no sense, in actions or words. He says he would restore the orders honor, but then marched us here for what? Templars should know their duty, even if held from it. I still know my duty, and it is not waiting in a keep.” This was a good man, if he was still around I was going to try my best to recruit him.

“Hmm, a Templar who knows his responsibilities? I am more and more reassured.” Vivienne spoke quietly from behind me, her tone saying the same as my thoughts. Keep this one.

“If you manage to win over the Lord Seeker, every able bodied Templar will fight and help close the breach.” I was starting to think that maybe we didn’t actually need the dick in charge, Barris seemed to have gotten this resistance among the other Templars, but why hadn’t they acted yet?

“Why don’t you join the inquisition now, rally all the loyal Templars left and join us.” Barris looked like I stabbed the tail on the donkey a little too hard, like he wanted to but it would be just him, and an army of one only counts when it’s Bull.

“Our officers that survived the conclave still follow him, it’s only the Knight-Recruits and the Knight-Templars left. We can’t directly disobey or we’d labeled as deserters or worse, mutineers.” It was like a shoplifter stuck in front of ten cameras trying to steal a pop tart without being seen.

“We’ve been asked to accept so much, and after that shameful display in Orlais, our truths and codes have been changing by the hour.” I was sure that Barris believed this was the only option that was available to him and well, by god if I didn’t try to save his friends.

“Don’t keep your betters waiting Barris; there are important discussions to be had for those who are born to it.” I had forgotten about Lord Abernache, but he had not forgotten about me. 

That was almost the last straw for me with the lord, but Barris was resolute with his intent, not even glancing at the pompous noble as he insulted him.

Instead he turned around and waved for the other Templars inside the closed gate to raise it. This was defiantly defensible like Bull had said, and I heard a low whistle from someone behind me. If I knew how to whistle, I would have done the same.

A pang of sadness stabbed through my heart, leaving an icy residue on my mood, before I fell into Thedas Merle was going to teach me how to whistle, she had said ‘no self-respecting friend of mine doesn’t know how to whistle’ and she promised that our next time out for drinks she would teach me.

I shook my friend from my mind; I was in the middle of negotiations with a dangerous entity (namely the Templars under the Lord Seeker) I couldn’t have memories stabbing me from the inside even before I’d been stabbed for real.

Barris had turned to face me with apprehension clear over his face; we were standing in front of three flags (banners?) flying at much lower than half mast, the wheels for turning and at least a hundred Templars all looking at us, from windows high in the tower to heads poking out of the stable.

“The Lord Seeker has…a request before you meet him.” He walked farther in front of the banners and started again, this time his voice a little stronger. “These are the standards, an honored Templar right focused on the Maker, the Order and the people. All the Lord Seeker asks is that you preform the rite.”

The rain had started to fall in the courtyard, but the Templars didn’t move an inch in their silent observation. This was getting murkier and murkier, it’s as if Therinfall was a nest of monsters and we were just at the entrance.

“What if I fail?” Barris flashed me a sad smile before turning back to the flags.

“There is no ‘right’ answer; it is just an exercise that shows what you really value.” What I value most, not what the inquisition valued.

“If that’s what the lord Seeker asks of the inquisition.” Barris turned and approached me quickly, and quietly, and as if unsure himself said something that chilled me to my bones.

“Not of the inquisition. The Lord Seeker changed everything to meet you, not the inquisition-you, by name.” I was in the middle of a trap, but I didn’t know what the trap was for or where it was set, like walking in a minefield and halfway I was told the mines were armed.

“Why?” It was all I could squeeze out, my body was freezing from my feet to my head. How did the Lord Seeker know me, and why did he want me?

“I don’t know. Ever since the nobles arrived he’s been fixated on you.” Whatever Abernache said after went through one ear and out the other; Barris had pleading eyes as if he was hoping I had all the answers and my voice spoke out on its own.

“I’ll do it.” I heard a gasp that was quickly turned into a ghastly chough from Abernache. I couldn’t give less of a fuck what the noble wanted anymore. The Templars were in danger, that last look from Barris said it all.

I couldn’t breathe for a second; my pulse was pounding in my ears as I approached the wheels. One with the lion of Thedas, one with the symbol of the Templars and the last had the circle I came to know meant the chantry, or the Maker.

I spun the wheels as fast as I could, the people most important, Templars as second and the Maker I didn’t even touch. I heard Bull’s chuckle at the end when I told Barris I was finished he glanced at it and nodded, thanking me.

“Traditionally the participant of the rite explains the reason for the choices made.” I rolled my eyes, I was getting tired of all these tests to see a mad man.

“Those are my choices, the rest doesn’t matter.” Lord Abernache let out a disgusted sound that rivaled one of Cassandra’s.

“I think not, if I have to sit around while you shuffle flags I’ll know why.” I gave the man my best ‘I cant help you’ stare.

My inner demon was screaming. It saved me time and time again, my whole body was screaming ‘DANGER WILL ROBINSON’ but this time I had to continue instead of running away.

Barris led us to a door on the other side of the courtyard and into a warm dry storage room. A desk with a few papers sat in the middle near the back door, but the only other things in the room were barrels and boxes.

“Now, to business.” Abernache went to the table and started to ‘politely request’ that he go get someone more qualified to talk to. Barris just gave him this look that said he dealt with far too many nobles for his liking.

“Knight-Capitan?” That caught my attention, Barris said that it was only the recruits and knight Templars that remained apparently sane.

“I see you were expecting the Lord Seeker, he sent me to die in his place.” If his words didn’t already warn me that things were wrong, his voice would have, it was as if the man wasn’t really speaking, but like several were speaking in his voice, and none of them knew how humans talked.

“Knight-Capitan! Lord Esmeral Abernache, is it not like the second dispersal of the reclaimed Dales?” That was apparently his icebreaker for everyone. “But no doubt that rank puts you above some things, if only others felt the same.”

The Knight-Capitan kept staring at me, not even looking at the blustering Lord but not blinking or breaking eye contact with me. Something was wrong.

“So this is the grand alliance the inquisition proposes?” He waved his hand at Abernache as if he were a bug he wanted removed.

“Barris, am I right to assume this is irregular behavior for the Knight-Capitan?” I wanted to ask if he had been acting like this sense Val Royeaux, but I couldn’t get another question out before the atmosphere in the room shifted.

Like a storm that changes from a normal thunderstorm to a tornado. Something was going to happen any moment, and all fighters in the room felt it.

“The Lord Seeker had a plan. The Herald ruined it by arriving with a purpose, it sowed dissent and fear.” I was starting to hear grunts and fighting from the door the Knight-Capitan entered from, it got louder and louder as we spoke.

“What is going on Knight-Capitan, I must know.” Barris had balls, he marched right up to the man and got in his unwavering face. When Barris grabbed the man’s collar he looked at him finally.

“You were all supposed to be changed; now there is uncertainty and we must purge the questioning fear from our ranks.” The door behind the Knight-Capitan opened and several Templars walked out each had an eerie red glow and a few had huge black scars across their faces.

“For once I agree wi-” Lord Abernache was cut off in a guttural sputter when an arrow pierced his eye, I winced and couldn’t watch as I stared at the Knight-Capitan.

“The Elder One is coming. No one will leave Therinfall who is not stained red!” The Knight-Capitan roared and in a second, the Templars that followed him attacked the remaining Templars in the shed with us.

I was left in shock, but Bull came rushing from behind me and rammed into a Templar attacking. Vivienne and Varric shot with pinpoint accuracy into the crowd of Templars.

It didn’t take long to overcome the Templars, the red stuff that caused this must have messed their minds up big time, when I attacked they didn’t even try block they only attacked.

Barris survived, it was a small weight off my shoulders that I had at least one Templar on my side, and one that knew the keep. Heavy breathing filled the room; all of us were all right, though Abernache was dead for sure.

“Is the Knight-Capitan still alive?” Bulls question was almost echoing in the small room, I spun on the ball of my foot and stalked over to the man, his face was bloodied but his chest was rising and falling steadily. I grabbed the rope that used to hold a banner and tied the mad man up.

I fumbled at the man’s belt for the keys we would need, quickly got the loop and rushed to the door on the other side of the room. I froze with my hand on the handle, how many more Templars were waiting for me on the other side, and what did the Lord Seeker want with me?

I let out a deep sigh and looked back at my team, Bull and Varric had looks of deadly seriousness and Vivienne and Barris looked like they had stepped into a war zone, but still needed to go farther into it. 

This was going to get a lot harder from here on out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow this chapter actually was a really fun and frustrating. I love a flawed person who just wants to fix things. And thank you all again for reading and supporting me!


	14. Why Are We In My Head?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be uploading all of champions of the just as a treat! And because I really want to!

*You Will Be So Much More*

This was by far the worst place in all of Thedas. Templars stained red attacked us in every room we entered and now I had an actual voice in my head.

It started after we exited the storage room I heard what I thought was the Lord Seeker, but after I asked Bull gave me this look and Varric said he didn’t hear anything.

And now, we were in the middle of the upper courtyard and its back to talking again. I thought that the mutterings from the demons were bad, but actually having something target my thoughts was defiantly worse.

I wasn’t just hearing the one voice though, there was another, for only a moment I thought I saw a young man in a hat and I swore I heard some other voice than the Lord Seekers, it was a whisper in the wind,

*don’t you recognize me*

I tried not to think about the disembodied voices I was hearing, but the Lord Seeker just wouldn’t shut up.

The rain was coming down harder than before, my short hair was plastered to my forehead and I was sloshing through my boots, but so were the rest of my team. It was a silent approach through the keep, no more jokes to lighten the mood.

The mission had changed fundamentally. No longer were we preparing to sign a few treaties or alliances, and now we were hunting for the Lord Seeker and hoping we find any Templars that were still free from the red.

Varric said it looked like red lyrium, the stuff we found at the breach impact site, and I had to agree with him on that. The farther we got in the keep the more and more of it we saw laying on tables and in corners, like an infestation of bugs, it probably didn’t start this way.

*Ah, the Herald of Andraste, I feel like it’s time we got better aquainted.*

I froze on the first step of a long staircase, how was the Lord Seeker speaking to my mind, where was he? I saw the worried looks from Varric and ignored the pit in my stomach that started getting bigger and bigger the farther I climbed the stairs.

I saw a man at the very top, he looked like he was about to open the great red doors and escape farther into the tower, so I started sprinting. A curse from behind me would have made me giggle normally, but this wasn’t normal.

This was the same feeling I got from that rift in the storm coast. The burning in my blood was screaming for me to get as far away as I could. I reached the top in a few more seconds and let myself breathe for a moment.

The lord Seeker was directly across from me, standing completely still, his hands at his sides and head bowed to the door. He didn’t turn around when I reached the top, so I started to approach him like a human does a wounded animal. More steps from my companions didn’t make him turn either.

“Lord Seeker?” Not even his title made him turn. I steeled myself and raised my hand to turn him gently by the shoulder.

That was not how it ended up.

In a split second the Lord Seeker spun on the ball of his foot and smiled a sinister smile that made all of my creep warning signals off, and before I could do anything he grabbed my neck and outstretched hand and started to pull me back.

In that split second I took stock of a lot of things, The Lord Seeker was smiling like he got what he had always wanted, a few shouts came from behind me and the one thing I never really wanted to get close to again.

For one moment I saw green, the same green as on my hand and in the sky and that bore demons from the fade, and in that moment with the lord Seeker smiling and pulling me back into the green that my eyes stopped seeing and my ears stopped hearing.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Senses and thoughts came flushing back in a second, unlike the first time at the temple of sacred ashes, and when I opened my eyes I saw that I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.

I was back underneath haven, but farther in than I was held before. When I first entered the jail after I was named the Herald I went through every cell, to see what our enemies would see every day if they even got that far. I was in the farthest room from the entrance.

It was dark and dank like I remembered, but the whole world was tinged greenish, and nothing was really dark. I could see every corner, but seeing farther into the room was difficult as everything was tinged green with fog.

I took a few deep breaths and searched for Bull or Varric but I was alone, no one could help me here. My knees started to give out and I let them. I slumped into a low squat, holding onto my knees and started to control ny breathing.

It took longer than I would like to admit to stand up again, but it was a deep breath that I rose my head with, and another breath I stood slowly. I started forwards, my feet moving automatically, and slowly I could see that the candles weren’t actually candles.

Bodies just like at the temple, sitting in bows and splayed around a small crater. It was horrific, but the closer I looked the less real it seemed. There was no smell of burning flesh or hair, and the flames were still flickering on the fingers, so this wasn’t real, but where was I.

It took but a second of me looking away for the world to change, but only just. Leliana was standing stock still, not blinking or breathing. The look on her face was blank like a canvas and it sent a chill when the things eyes met mine. They were like the desire demon but milky green instead of black.

“Is this shape useful? Will it let me know you?” The voice was a mimicry of Leliana’s songbird one, with the deep strings of the real voice just ahead of the false nightingales. “Everything tells me about you, this will too.”

A mimicry of Cullen appeared and the not-Leliana slid a dagger along his neck while the not-Leliana kept staring at me. I kept silent as she let the false commander drop, her dagger covered in blood and the false Cullen face up with his blaming eyes looking right at me.

“You don’t fool me demon, I see right through you.” Instead of getting mad that I discovered its plot the thing merely repeated it in a rough attempt at my voice, too high and gravely but an attempt.

The body of Leliana started to shift and in a second I was faced with Josephine, her smile sinister instead of kind and without her signature board for writing.

“Being you will be so much more fun than the Lord Seeker.” So the Lord Seeker was this demon all along, and now that I was here it wanted to be me. Not-Josephine passed by me like a cat, and when I turned to follow, she was gone entirely.

I had changed my mind; this was the actual worst place in Thedas.

“Do you know what the inquisition could become? With me?” The false accented voice was right in my ear, but when I spun, she was gone again, just a disembodied voice, what a nice thought to think. “When I'm done with you the Elder One Will kill you so I can ascend, I will become you.”

I knew that if the others would get me out of they could, so I didn’t think I was in danger, maybe I could trick it to tell me things.

“Who is the Elder One?” Maybe trick was the wrong word.

“He is between, mortal once but no more.” I schooled my face so the demon would keep talking, I couldn’t just let my shock make it stop. “Our glory is coming, and the Elder One wants you to do your part to serve him like everyone else; by dying in the right way.”

“Keep talking for me then.” The beauty of Josephine crumbled into dust, just after the look of anger froze on her face.

“I am not your toy!” I didn’t turn when I heard a voice I was praying the demon wouldn’t pull out. “I am Envy and I will know you!’ The Iron Bull with a hard uncaring eye moved to face me, his hands holding a knife that looked far too small for his hands.

“Tell me ‘Herald’, in your words. Tell me what you think! Tell me what you feel!” The demon as Bull smiled a toothy smile and a body with glowing green eyes appeared in my shape this time. Bull still keeping eye contact stabbed the false Herald, she fell with exaggerated movements, like someone a puppet.

I turned back to where I had started to go at the start of this insanity and the war table from haven was in between the door and I. “Tell me what you see.” The whisper was a better fake of my voice right behind me, I turned and saw myself falling in pain. A dagger looked like it was in my hand, but there was no weight to it.

When I looked back to Cullen at the war table, nothing but the room was there. I shook off a shiver and hunkered down for a moment before opening the door.

When I opened the door the world was different again, red fog filled the room and so did soldiers. All had their blades pointed to another false me, Cassandra was pacing at the front of the room like a panther ready to strike.

It was a replay of the time I fell into Thedas, when Leliana and Cassandra interrogated me because I caused the breach. I sped up my pace a little and left the room before I could hear the fake talk with my voice.

“Our enemies have surrendered to our might.” It was me, well not-me again, speaking to soldiers in inquisition scouts uniform as if I was someone who knew what they were doing. “The inquisition’s forces rival any other kingdom in Thedas. Our reach has started to match my ambitions, but we must work for more.”

“I would never say that!” The demons eyes snapped to mine, the green flames that came from its eyes clearly were looking right at me.

“Bothered by imperfection are you?” My jaw clenched and I gripped my hands to not attack the monster. A long laugh emanated from the mouth that wasn’t quite right yet and continued when the false-me disappeared. When I got out of here, I was going to stab Envy a few extra times than may be needed.

A frustrated strangled growl managed to escape my teeth that were clenched to tight. Flames erupted in green and yellow from the mouths of the dragons on the pillars. The would around me was changing again, there were no pillars with dragons on them in Haven.

With a deep breath and a few last checks of my equipment I hunkered down and dashed into the fire. It was hot, but more like really hot tap water instead of fire, I still didn’t want to get burned though so I ran until the fire stopped.

A figure that looked like the Lord Seeker dashed through the doors at the end of the hall and in the instant, later the same yellow green flames burst to life. There was only the one door, a wall that looked like it was crumbling was to the left and a blank stone wall to the right. It was a dead end.

“Do you see how glorious my inquisition will be once you are dead!” I was getting sick of the demon’s need to talk all the time, but it wasn’t like the desire demon that gave me what I wanted, Envy wanted, and I was the target.

“You’re hurting, helpless and hasty. What happens to the hammer when there are no more nails?” I was frozen in place, that was different. A soft voice right after Envy that I had never heard before was attempting to stop Envy. My heart soared; I wasn’t alone in this hell anymore.

“What! Thing, get out! This is mine!” Envy clearly didn’t like whoever was on the other end. I walked out of the small room and back to the large hallway, it was different again. A door was directly across the way from the crumbling wall.

My steps were slow and measured; I didn’t want this to be a trick like Ali was. The door was warm when I pushed it, like a cozy home in winter, and when I entered the room it was warm too.

It was a bedroom, portraits were upside-down and the dining set was on the celling. But there was nothing in the room, only the fires in their places. I turned to leave, but the door swung shut and I heard the soft voice again.

“Wait.” This wasn’t envy, but I didn’t know who it was. “Envy is hurting you, mirrors in mirrors on memories. You have a face it can feel but not fake. I'm here to help, you not Envy.”

What? Every time I turned to find the speaker the voice would change places. If they wanted to help why hide?

“Who are you? Are you a Templar?” It was the only question I had for the voice, and a small laugh came after.

“I’ve been watching, waiting. I’m Cole, we’re inside you, or I am. You are always in you.” So this was my mind after all, this time when I turned to the voice the body it came from stayed. A young man was on the celling, standing as if he were on the ground, his pale skin was followed with pale eyes that were the most gentle eyes I had ever seen.

“It’s easy to hear, harder to be a part of the hearing, be heard. But I'm here, hearing, helping I hope. Envy is hurting you, has hurt you. I tried to help, then I was here in the hearing. It’s- it’s not normally like this.” He was making some sense, but it was as if he was speaking the direct translation of something in another language without changing the grammar.

“I would hope that things would at least make sense in my own mind.” Cole gave me another small chuckle. What was this man, a demon? That seemed unlikely, both demons I had spoken to recently clearly wanted something from me, but so far Cole wanted nothing.

“It never works like that.” Ain’t that a bitch of a truth there. Before I could ask something else, the door started groaning, like a heavy weight was on the other side.

“I was watching when you arrived. I watch, every Templar knew when you arrived, they were impressed, but none like the Lord Seeker.” Of course, the Lord Seeker was happy to see me; its plan was playing out just like it wanted.

“Well, since Envy is the Lord Seeker, I think it’s because it wants to be me.”

“Yes. It twisted the commanders, forced their fury, fight. They’re red inside. You, your frozen, Envy is trying to take your face. I heard I reached and then I fell and then I was here.” Cole was not the scariest or the craziest thing I had ever seen. He seemed to really want to help, and well I never wanted to know what was in hot-dogs, I don’t want to know exactly what Cole was.

“How am I frozen back in Therinfall?” I really hoped that I wasn’t frozen in real time, by now they would have been trying to wake me.

“Thoughts are fast, we’re here inside talking, outside a blade is still falling, hanging in the air like sunset.” A long sigh of relief released the tension in my shoulders; I wasn’t just standing there waiting for someone to attack me, time wasn’t moving for me.

“So, if time isn’t moving, does that mean I'm safe?” In theory, I was safe, if nothing was happening!

“No, it would be best if you got out, Envy is still in.” I threw my hands in the air, but Cole stayed still, not blinking or breathing. I was unnerved, but who else was I to trust, the demon trying to be me, or the spirit who seemed to only have good intentions.

“Alright Cole, how do I get out?” The young man looked uncomfortable and shifted his gaze to the glow around my hand.

“It’s your head, you shouldn’t be out of it, I hoped you would know.” My head and shoulders fell, so my helper couldn’t help. I didn’t say anything and in a moment, Cole began speaking again. “All of this is Envy: people, places, power. Maybe if you keep going, it takes more to make more, to keep going, Envy stretches. Being one is hard. Being one of many, too many, many more, end Envy breaks down, cracks, and you break out!” Cole sounded excited and triumphant, he had thought of a plan in seconds, or hours here.

I let myself breathe for a second, I had a way out, an ally and I had my mind still. I didn’t know how much longer it would stay with me though.

“So I just need to keep moving in my head, and work Envy out till it falls?”

“Maybe, I hope so; it’s more than just sitting waiting for your face to be stolen.” The young man walked over to me on the celling and hopped onto the ground, as if it were the most normal thing. I shook my head, but there was no time to question magic, so I followed Cole.

He opened the door that creaked earlier, showing nothing on the other side, well nothing other than the flames that still covered the doorway farther. He stood too close to the flames to be safe but he showed no pain to the fire licking his legs.

“Ideas are loud here, make them louder, think of water.” Think of water, that could be done.

I took one last look at the green flames and closed my eyes. Water, I started to think of rain, the downpour of water from the sky that rattled my window in my apartment. I tried to feel the drops of wet water run along my face and down my arms.

I heard the sputtering and hissing of fire doused and opened my eyes again, Cole was gone, but so were the flames.

*That Thing Can’t Help You Now, I will See More!*

I whipped my head around, but as I expected Envy wasn’t there, and clearly it didn’t like Cole. I called out for him a few times, but nothing came. I hoped he was just back to watching, and not totally gone.

I didn’t want to open the door, it stood like it was innocent, but I knew otherwise. Envy wasn’t creative in it’s trap like the Desire demon was, she scanned my mind for what I wanted, Envy was just putting me in it’s world and trying to make me scared of it, I needed to suck it up.

I started running after I opened the door, I didn’t care what I saw, it was all lies, nothing in here was real. Envy imprisoned Mother Giselle and Josephine in the cells of the dungeon that looked nothing like haven anymore. One room held a dead me with Cassandra and Rodrick mocking how I failed Thedas. Men were crying and fires were burning.

I ignored the self-deprecation from my triad as I passed, all saying it was their fault I died, or their fault I turned on them. Most of all I ignored the stinging words Envy shouted in my head, it never stopped, and I was beyond annoyed at this point. At this point I was going to make Envy suffer when I took care of it.

Cole popped up again in a corner of the prison Cullen was weeping in, I couldn’t hear his would with my ears anymore, and neither were his lips moving as he gave me instructions for breaking Envy’s cage.

This time he asked me to think about sparks, and oh did I think of sparks. Bolts of lightning felt like they were sparking in my veins, and static was arcing off of my skin. Something exploded nearby and I opened my eyes, no evidence to moment I had with the lightning.

Cole was missing again and another door was open. The hall this time was being made as I ran through it, extending and diverting for other hallways, but as I ran passed them nothing but the dark void was in them, Cole was right; Envy could only stretch so far.

With renewed vigor I ran again, not listening to the voices yelling in my ears about prisoners and punishments. Envy wanted me to know, but I didn’t want to listen.

I flung open another door, hoping to catch Envy before it had made the space, but the open courtyard of Therinfall, but not at the same time. The sky was foggy green and the ground had holes of green showing through everywhere.

I bolted pell-mell to the staircases, two more flights and I would be back where Envy pulled me in, monsters (I didn’t even look at this point) threw themselves and things in my path, but I dodged around or let the things hit me. None of them did any real damage and as I kept running, I saw less and less of Therinfall, and more and more green holes.

I could hear Cole’s gentle voice coaching me on the entire time, you can do it, not much farther, it was as if he were the angel on my shoulder and Envy was the devil, yelling and spitting every time I ignored it.

Envy tried tricks and puzzles, but Cole would find the switch and would call me to it, leaving Envy screeching but I was almost through, I was almost to the stairs I was at in real life.

All was green around the tower; Envy couldn’t bring up the sky when it was sprawled all along the ground. A grin spread across my lips when I saw the last staircase, I was back, and hopefully I could get back to Thedas.

The landing I was taken here at was empty, save for the huge red door and myself. I gave a three sixty to the area and started to the door, maybe if I opened it I would end up back home, or Envy was on the other side. I was thrown off guard when I was grabbed roughly from behind and slammed into the door before being spun around and slammed into the door again but held in the air this time.

I was staring at a shadow version of myself, no color to the skin and no expression on the face. Its eyes were filled with the same yellow green flames that blocked me earlier. I was staring face-to-face with Envy me.

“Unfair! Unfair unfair unfair! That thing kept you whole, now I don’t know your shape!” Envy-me had my collar in its slowly enlarging claws. It emanated black smoke and started turning green instead of grey.

“Why would you want to be me?” I managed to choke out a question, but it wasn’t one Envy liked. It dropped it’s head like had said something profoundly stupid and started to mock my voice again.

“Why Would You Want- Gah!” Again it slumped its head, in fury this time, and came back to looking at me, its green flames focused. “We’ll start again, more personal this time, the Elder One still comes.”

Envy began choking me slowly, but before I lost my self again Cole popped up, but so did another more shadowy figure directly behind Envy.

“It’s frightened of you.” That was news to me, I was the one running around like a chicken with its head cut off not it, but Cole gave me my chance. After he spoke Envy turned towards him and let me go with one hand.

I slammed my hands down as hard as I could onto the last limb holding me, which caused Envy to scream and face me again, but now I was mad and had my hands at my disposal.

My fingers launched at the green flames for eyed and my head slammed forwards for a head butt of epic proportions. Envy screamed more, and the ground opened up underneath me.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I opened my eyes to the rain of Therinfall and to the scream of something, I had never heard before. A huge white mass of limbs crashed onto the surface of the tower, the doors being blown wide by the demon and the Templars on the inside looking like the devil had appeared from the bible.

It crawled up unnaturally, its back bending the other way and its head coming to scream once more, no eyes or nose, only a toothy mouth that unhinged as it screamed. Before I could draw my weapon and attack the coward like it deserved the demon jumped faster than I had seen anything move and was behind the alter the Templars were protecting and did something to make a wall between its death and I.

“Lord Seeker!” Barris shouted from behind me, his voice full of fear and doubt, calling after the demon like it would actually give him answers.

“No, it’s an imposter. Envy.” His head turned slowly, as if he didn’t want to see the resolution on my face and the truth in my eyes.

“That monster, it made sure we weren’t prepared. I still don’t know what we’re up against.” It was hard to look at the strong man and see that he really didn’t know the Lord Seeker was a demon. I glanced around, Cole was nowhere to be found, but he was probably hiding like earlier when he watched our approach, the Templars probably wouldn’t know who he was let alone where.

“It’s an Envy demon, and I need to kill it, it took the Lord Seeker.” I could hear the franticness in my voice, I was higher pitched and my mouth was running like a fish in water.

Barris nodded and stood still, deep in thought trying to figure out what Envy was and how to fight it.

“Hey Girly.” I whipped around at the whisper from behind me, my nerves on edge, but it was a worried looking Varric and not a demon ready to attack. “You okay? One second the Lord Seeker grabbed you the next there was this demon and you looked like you were ready to rip the thing apart.”

Varric was looking at me with eyes that said he was even more worried than he was letting on. I took stock of myself then, I was whole, and hale. But from the looks of my companions something was up.

Vivienne looked closed off like a proper noble, no emotions or eye contact, I saw her glance out of the corner of her eye and soften when she saw me looking, but quickly hardened back up to looking at the barrier, and Bull.

He stood ridged, like something had paralyzed the man during my mind battle. His one eye blazed with something I couldn’t read, but it was intense, and I wasn’t sure that it was a good look.

So once again I did what I do best.

Bottle that shit up and stuff it back down.

I walked over to Barris, his shoulders slumped and his eyes downcast. What was a world when good men are ashamed of the good they couldn’t have done? I grabbed the man’s shoulder and looked stared at him until he looked into my eyes.

“The Lord Seeker is no longer in charge. You are at this point; you have done a better job at leading the Templars than he did.” The man scoffed but he didn’t deny it, I needed inspired men under me, I was falling, but if they believed that they were great men, they could ignore my humanity and pretend I wanted to be Herald.

“Thank you Herald.” He stood in silence, but I could tell he wanted to say more, but before I could prompt him his eyes lit and he glanced to the altar the barrier Envy erected. In a second he was marching over to a Templar that sat on the sidelines, he wore simple clothes, and with bits of armor thrown on in places.

This must have been the dormitories, the young recruits learning the Templar way. Now every one of those recruits was either dead or huddled here in makeshift armor, it was a sad sight.

“Templar, what is Envy.” The young man looked so scared for a moment, but when I nodded and tried to give the man a gentile smile he started to speak, his voice shaking at the beginning but getting stronger as he spoke.

“A coward, it studies and makes less mistakes, but most of all it hides.” I knew that, but before I could roll my eyes Barris was speaking again.

“We need our veterans, our commanders and leaders have turned red, but we may have a few lieutenants still fighting out there. We need pure lyrium, with those things I can give you Envy.” Power emanated off the young man, his honey eyes were set and determined. I would have saluted him if Varric and Vivienne wouldn’t have chewed me out for it later.

“What about you?” They weren’t safe here, I was surprised the red Templars hadn’t attacked the hall yet.

“We’ll hold the great hall, just find our lieutenants and lyrium.” I glanced at Bull, his one eye roving the hall, pausing on weaknesses and open ways of attack. He eventually came to rest on me, his one eye hard. I walked over to him, and laid my hand on his arm.

“I need you to stay here.” I had never seen a man turn his head so fast. He was almost glaring at me. “Please, don’t argue with me. Barris is needed, he’s a leader that does what is needed for the Templars. I don’t want to lose someone good because he was too heroic.”

He stared at me for a long time, his eye still not showing any emotion. I opened my mouth to argue my point again, but he smiled and covered my mouth with his hand.

“Fine, you made your point, you don’t have to give me even better reasons.” He was chuckling but it didn’t have any mirth to it, like someone laughing to not get angry or fight.

I gave him a squeeze and tried to tell him I would be fine, but I couldn’t say those words. I was a coward too. I let my hand drift off of him, probably slower than I should have, and squared my shoulders.

I was ready, and I actually believed the words I told Bull. I was going to be fine.

I was going to be fine because I was going to kill every red Templar I saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I always thought you should have been able to leave a party member to help the Templars out so Barris you know didn’t die.
> 
> Fun fact! The first time I played, I did champions of the just and actually kept Barris alive. I only found out he could die because the next time I was like, I have time, it’s okay. Let’s get everything on this side before going back. Then I get back and think I saved Barris, but then I kill envy and this dude with red hair walks up and was like, Barris died cause he was a hero. I'm in charge now. 
> 
> I think I cried.


	15. Can We Leave Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your support!

The rain hadn’t let up any, if anything it got worse. I had hoped that it would have eased up some, but even if it felt like hours in that nightmare Envy gave me, it was maybe a single second.

Now I was out in the rain and hunting down the veteran lieutenants and lyrium without my big Qunari bodyguard, all because I wanted to keep the Templars alive. Varric and Vivienne were great though, but now I was the only one on the front line.

I hacked and slashed at Templars that bled red dust and had crystals sticking out of their backs, Templars that didn’t even look like men anymore, and I fought abominations that looked like demons.

I also saw Cole once. We had just finished clearing out the courtyard below with one of the veterans when something caught my eye. Cole was standing next to a door, not moving but also not quite there because in the next moment he was gone. When the Templars had been cleared, instead of leaving I approached and opened the door.

It was a room that looked like belonged to my brothers. Papers were strewn around on the floor on the chairs and the table, chairs were thrown against walls and one window was blown out. Probably by one of the chairs.

Cole was nowhere to be seen again, so I figured what he wanted me to see was in here. Varric and Vivienne walked in even slower than I did, probably unsure of the crazy things I had been doing so far.

The room looked like an insane person had stayed in there. There were drawings on the walls, but not like children’s, like bloody eyes and shapes I couldn’t recognize, in both ink and blood. I left the walls alone and walked to the table with the bust, a bust that was covered by a piece of writing held to it with a knife.

“The Elder One wants her dead.” Cole spoke, but I didn’t react, who knew if Vivienne or Varric would see him too. “The Empress, Celene. He hates her, haunts her and hides why. He hides other things too.” I grabbed the paper from the marble and turned to Varric, handing it over without another thought.

A gasp and a few humphs came but in a second Varric was explaining what the words said, even though I knew already. I grabbed a key on the table and turned to thank Cole but he had left again.

Varric handed Vivienne the paper, her reaction was quite the same, but without the verbal reaction. She met my eyes when she handed it back, resolute and strong. “This ‘Elder One’ thinks very highly of himself if he thinks he can even get a strike at the empress.”

We ran out of the room, the Templar veteran kept guard for us. “The lyrium stash is just down there. I’ll go back and help Barris, thank you again.”

She left giving us a deep bow, slamming her fist to her chest before running back to the great hall. So far it was pretty quiet, I hadn’t heard any commotion at all, but we had been gone a long time and I was starting to get worried about Bull and Barris.

The lyrium stores were locked with the key I found in the –what I will call from here on out- the planning room. I fumbled with the key, but eventually Varric grabbed it and unlocked the door.

“Sometimes you got to let us help you Girly.” He clapped me on my waist before dashing in and out with an armful of lyrium, Vivienne went second and I grabbed the last bunch of glowing boxes. It was heavy, like they were filled with rocks and even more rocks, but Varric and Vivienne both carried theirs like it was nothing, so I ignored the flames that my muscles ached with and broke out into a run to the great hall.

Here in this strange world I never thought I would be so happy that my gym teachers would be flabbergasted that the little fat girl was running for her life and keeping up with her comrades in arms. Though, they might be more shocked by the axe on my back.

There was no slowing down, that was not an option. I needed to keep going or other people would die, and it would be my fault again. I was sick of not being fast enough, not strong enough to save everyone. It burned on the inside that I couldn’t save my men on the storm coast, and that my coming to Thedas killed the Divine. This time I would save everyone I could, which was still not enough.

The hallway to the great hall was getting louder, fighting and cheering with a few slams and crashes. I tried to pick up the pace, but I was running as fast as I could. When I got to the door I didn’t even bother opening it, I kicked it as hard as I could and it slammed open.

The Hall was filled with red Templars attacking the recruits, and Bull in the middle slamming and slashing his axe in exactly where it needed to be. He was an artist, he never hit a recruit, only what he intended. Vivienne and Varric had gone ahead, placed their lyrium down and had started assisting.

The Templar recruits were holding their own just fine before with just Bull, but now with our help the red Templars were decimated. I placed my box of lyrium with the other two before I started to join the fight, but when I turned, I saw one of the recruits cutting down the last red lyrium abomination.

“That was the last of them, back to your posts.” Barris called out to his Templars, checking in with them and pulling those aside who were too injured to fight properly to have a potion. He was a good leader, someone kind who knew where poorer soldiers were coming from.

I heard Bull approach, but I didn’t turn, I was busy looking at the few soldiers who were being dragged off, not for healing, but because they would get in the way of battle.

“You’re right Boss, didn’t know how you knew he was a good commander, but he is. Had the soldiers attacking in flanks, on side covered the other.” Good, I knew he would be good, but it was even better that he knew how to command. I glanced at the huge man next to me, his chest covered in blood and heaving like he was running for a marathon.

“I only know I trust my gut, if that says something I always follow it.” He rumbled a few chuckles but quickly sobered, his eye focused on Barris.

“The red ones are targeting anyone in charge, if they see someone taking charge, yelling or pointing they attack.” So I was right to leave Bull with them, if someone was having them target the ones giving orders, we might have lost Barris if Bull wasn’t there.

“Thanks for that Bull.” It was quiet, but Bull heard my whisper. He nodded and turned to silently walk over to another soldier.

“Varric, Vivienne, let’s go.” I called over my shoulder, and headed to the other side for hopefully more veterans than just the one.

The second side went in much the same fashion as the first, the same hall into a courtyard. It was after the courtyard that it diverted. Red Templars attacked from everywhere, I was covered in small nicks from their blades and arrows, but fortunately, none of them got a good shot off.

The first veteran we found was cornered at the edge of the wall, red Templars attacking her and attempting to throw her off and into the ravine. Vivienne scoffed and froze the red abomination that had the Templar in its grasp.

I charged and smashed the other demons as fast as I could, Varric’s crossbow bolts whizzing by me and hitting the demon ready to attack.

The Templar that was held slashed the demon holding her and chopped its arms off, along with most of its body. I continued to hack and slash at the demons around me, these were no longer men and I couldn’t afford to think about the lives that they had before.

When we finished the fight the veteran lieutenant looked like she had been battling alone this entire time, her plate mail was covered in blood and dented in places it probably wasn’t yesterday. It looked like she walked through hell, and I was about to send her right back into it.

“Barris needs you back in the great hall, the path behind us is clear!” I yelled over to the older woman, she called something back and dashed to the hall, her footsteps splashing in the rain.

It had started to rain harder than before, water was starting to cover the stones and create puddles, and it brought even more lightning. The sky lit up every five minutes, or so it seemed to.

I wiped the hair off my face, and sloshed through the dead red Templars to the other side of the rampart.

It wasn’t hard to find the next veteran, as he was just up the ramp yelling and screaming at the demons, his voice hoarse and loud. I couldn’t run up the hill because it was covered in water, but I ran when I could.

The man cheered when we crested the slope, he yelled and slashed howling at each attack, two blades twirled and stabbed into red Templars faster than I could get over there. The veteran finished the group before I could even take my axe out.

“Bout time you got here. No one left on this side, well maybe Matri is, but you would have seen her if she was.” Three, we had three veterans to save all of Therinfall, it could be better, but three was better than none.

“I saved Matri; she’s back at the great hall with Barris.” The man relaxed an inch before getting back into the fight mind. “We’re going back now, and we need your help too.”

There was no fight from the man, only the look of determination that made him seem even more deadly than I had seen he was.

We sprinted the entire way back, no red Templars other than the dead ones we left earlier, and no sounds of fighting coming from the halls near our base was.

I kicked the door open again –just because I wanted to be badass- and saw that there were only three red Templars that were being beaten by a group of Templars while Bull and Barris spoke in the corner.

It was surreal when I approached the two, they were talking about strategy and planning the battle, but when Bull caught my eye he let out a big grin.

“Or you could just run head first into things like our Herald does.” I rolled my eyes but I couldn’t stop grinning. He had me down pat, I just ran in without thought, on both the storm coast and here.

“I’ve found everything. If you’re ready, I'm ready.” Barris nodded and left the small area, to speak with the recruits and get their spirits up.

I stood for a long silence with Bull, Vivienne was making sure she still had a good supply of lyrium potions and Varric was oiling and counting Bianca’s bolts. This was the end, just past this barrier would be Envy and I could give it exactly how many stabs as I wanted.

This was a weird feeling, I was powerful and I had never felt this righteous before, like I was the one to take the Templars and drag them into the light of day. I was something more than a human for a moment when I watched the young men nod and pump themselves up for the upcoming battle. They were getting ready to die for me, for my cause, for my enemy.

“We will break this beast!” Barris was rallying his men; they cheered and roared like a wave of sound, this was it. “Keep them off us Herald.”

The Templars all approached the table that held the lyrium, (the box I grabbed was the metal chalices, of course) and began drinking. There was a flash of blue power and the soldiers glowed with it. I watched in awe as several kneeled in front of the altar and began to glow themselves. I had no idea how this worked, I was just hoping it did.

“Watch the barrier! The red Templars can walk through!” I heard the call from Barris and was off.

“Bull, you and Varric go to the other side of the barrier, we’ll cut them off before they get to the hall!” My voice rang out more confident than I felt with the order, but they nodded and ran to where I asked them.

Vivienne followed me to the left side and climbed the ladder to get a better vantage point on the battle. She gave me a solemn nod as she got ready to battle from above. I grasped the handle of my axe and made myself ready for the monsters that came.

A scream emanated from farther into the hall, from where Envy lurked, and in that moment the first red Templars came through the barrier. They surged forward like a tide, three on my side, and more behind. A bolt of ice shot down from above though and froze them in place, followed by my axe stopping them entirely by shattering them.

The battle continued like that for a while, Vivienne freezing enemies for me or throwing spells to the other side of the room. My arms were starting to get tired though, burning like I was in hell and aching like I was in ice. Not a good time to say the least.

It was grueling, it seemed that the red Templars never ended and the barrier was still as strong as ever. I caught it in a swing at the Templars and my axe bounced off and into another, I backed up but the bodies were starting to pile up, and my boots were wet.

My axe just kept swinging, I couldn’t look at myself now, if I saw the blood that I knew covered me I might have puked, or screamed.

Time passed, but I didn’t know, I was in the battle, fighting back tears and screaming my own battle cries to the red abominations. At one point a huge thing came from the entrance to the hall, lumbering and stomping up to the altar.

But I couldn’t care.

“Viv, focus on that thing, Varric you good over there? Bull I need you on the monster.” I screamed the orders clearly, and the response from Varric that this was great target practice if Tiny would just get out of the way. I moved a little closer to the altar, the Templars were still in the ritual and needed to be protected.

I heard rather than watched the battle with the colossus behind me; I heard Bull yelling for certain spells from Vivienne. I heard screeches and growls and a few boastful laughs from Bull, but I was pulled back into my fight with the barrier breakers.

The monster behind me fell with an earth-shaking thud, and a few more cheers from Bull. I turned and gave him a thumbs up, not caring if he didn’t know what it meant, my smile meant I was happy.

The red Templars started to dwindle after that, one or two at a time, with no idea how to strategize. Blood was pounding in my ears, so loud I almost couldn’t hear the impact of my axe, and I was getting warm.

I was a fire in the battle; my axe swung left and right, hitting something every swing and demolishing the red lyrium crystals growing out of the Templars. My blood was boiling and only more battle sustained that fire, my veins were hot, I'm sure my eyes were wide and bloodshot.

I wished I looked like a Valkyrie, killing and saving who deserved it, a fierce warrior not afraid of anything.

Did Valkyrie’s regret?

No more Templars were coming, my axe heaved with my breath and I stared at the green barrier, begging for the Templars to finally bring it down, and in that moment they did.

The room felt like it shattered, a gust of icy wind blew through from beyond the altar and the green wall was gone. This was it, just Envy beyond this.

Vivienne had climbed down the ladder and was now behind me, a gentle hand on my back and a potion in her hand. I hadn’t realized just how tired I was, my arms felt like anchors at the bottom of the ocean and my legs might as well have been made of led.

The Templars were cheering, but I didn’t hear Bull and Varric in the mess. I chugged the potion and started to my other teammates, I could feel the skin stitch where I had apparently been hit, but the better part was I felt like I could battle Envy.

Bull and Varric were doing the same thing Vivienne did with me, they were checking injuries and rationing potions. The boys each had one left and Vivienne was down to just lyrium potions. I was out, but mostly because I gave all of mine to the Templars.

We were almost beaten, Bull was covered in cuts and burns, his grey skin covered in red but his eye was only brighter and sharper. Varric’s coat was ripped in several places, but he only had a few scrapes and bruises, it looked like I was actually the worst off.

My team all looked at me gravely, I knew what they were saying in their heads ‘we thought this was a negotiation’ with differing states for happiness that it wasn’t. I was ready to end this battle, but I didn’t know if we could.

“Herald! The beast!” Barris called over the raucous cheering of the Templars, and I was on duty again. The fire was starting to fade; I was getting heavier every minute I didn’t get back into the fight.

I had no more time to rejoice that we kept most of the Templars alive, it was time to end this. I started to march up the stairs, and got to the landing before I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. Varric was standing at my side with the most worried look he had on his face so far.

“Girly, you got to slow down for a bit.” I couldn’t hold back my emotions and I actually rolled my eyes at him.

“I can’t afford to be late again.” 

With that, I left the small landing, my friends a little farther from me than before. It was too late already, I wasted time with the soldiers on the storm coast, and I was late here. I wasn’t going to waste anymore.

I walked through the archway into the last courtyard, rain still poured over all of Therinfall. I took a deep breath and turned around to my friends. Vivienne was actually the closest, probably understanding my need to get the job done motive the most, then Bull and finally Varric pulling up the rear.

Everyone looked exhausted, Vivienne was singed and had heavy eyes in her fierce expression, her staff was still held and ready to battle; Varric had gotten this haunted look in his eyes, like what I had said reminded him of something he never wanted to remember, and Bull looked like he could take down a dragon.

“I'm sorry I snapped at you Varric.” He gave me a weak smile and nodded. I grasped my hands, and started to twiddle them for a moment before I began, not quite knowing how to broach the whole Envy topic. “Alright, so Envy gets in your head. Earlier when it changed from the Lord Seeker, when he grabbed me, well it took me somewhere else.”

“To the fade?” Vivienne was quick with her question, quick and sharp.

“Not quite, it said we were in my head. Anyway, it tries to get you to reveal bits of yourself, shows you things that it thinks will get a reaction, I just, well I don’t know what it’ll do when we get there. It wants to be me, not just pretend.” My voice had started to shake at the end of my speech, but my team all nodded, each with their own deadly serious look. “Okay, are we ready to kill that thing then!”

Bull and I roared with Varric chuckling in the background, it was a moment I would never forget. My throat was sore at the end, but Bull gave me this intense look that made butterflies flutter, and my blood boil a little hotter. I was ready, Envy was going down.

I lead the charge into the grass, the top of the walls of the courtyard were jagged and covered in Red lyrium chunks, the grass around the closest bits had withered and died and the sky was tinged just a shade red.

“I got so close to you, but you are selfish with your glory, now I have nothing! I am no one!” Envy was screaming in my ears at all angels, and from the shocked sounds from my friends, they heard it this time.

“You been hearing this the whole time Girly?” I didn’t answer; I was waiting for Envy to show itself. The ground shuddered and turned green right in front of me, but before the demon could come through one of my companions grabbed my collar and yanked me back.

The very next second Envy jumped up and slammed its fists down to where I would have been standing. I glanced back and saw Bull’s hand on my neck and his eye glaring at the monster.

“Dark, dank, desperate. Death to make you live, I used to be like you, but no more. You shouldn’t be either.” Cole had appeared, his soft hand on mine for a moment before knives filled his and he began to attack Envy. 

I was in shock, Cole appeared and just attacked, leading Varric and Vivienne to start shooting the demon and Bull to charge. “Cole is on our side, don’t hit him!” I had to keep the boy safe, there was no way he was older than my younger brother.

I charged then, my axe coming free and slamming down onto Envy. A scream that probably would have made glass break erupted from it and the ground swallowed the monster in a green moment. My axe was laying on top of the grass, and Bulls was in midair, hovering inches from Cole. The demon was trying to get us to hurt each other.

“Spread out! Out of weapons range!” The three of us dashed away, Bull to the left and Cole to the right. I went straight back to the stone stairs. The yard was silent and nothing happened for a good minute. It was torture that minute, because we knew it would be back.

I heard a scream of pain from a human then a very quickly following inhuman one, Vivienne was on the ground in a quickly growing pool of blood. Before I could yell out Varric was on his way potion in hand and Bull was swinging at the demon, and the next moment at nothing.

Bull let out a frustrated yell, blood spilling onto his chest from claw marks in his shoulder. This battle was starting to turn, and not in our favor, we were spread thin and exhausted from countless previous fights.

Envy popped out in front of Varric this time, right after he had gotten Vivienne back onto her feet, but the two of them shot off at the same time, electricity arced off of the mages fingers and bolts shot off faster than I could count into and around the demon.

It let out another other worldly screech and disappeared with a long howl, which was followed by several other screams. Demons flooded for a moment, through three holes in the ground one for each close range fighter.

Before the demon could move I slammed my ax as hard as I could, shattering the ground and stopping the portal, stopping the demon halfway in between the fade and Thedas. A small victory now, but a huge one for the future.

I heard a thud come from my back, and with the demon dissipating, I spun around to see Varric’s foot in the claws of a demon. This time Bull ran over, and swung at the demon, chopping its molded head clean off. I saw Varric try to refuse the potion he offered, his leg held above the ground.

“Varric take the potion, you can’t shoot if you can’t stand!” My voice was starting to sound more like I was in charge, hoarse and gravely but commanding. In that moment Varric caught my look and downed it in the very next, his foot stopped bleeding and he stood.

The demon appeared again, in the altar right behind me, this time as the false-Herald. A shadow of me, the eyes hard flames of green staring right into mine, and grey skin was almost black.

Cole came charging, his dual blades sinking into the shadow, slashing and hacking faster than I could have ever hoped to, but the demon screamed and knocked him back, destroying a pillar in the corner with the impact.

I spun around, the false-Herald gone again, another unearthly scream let out but no earth shaking to follow. It was playing with us, playing with me, it knew I cared about my people and was using them against me. I spun around a few more times, my head snapping from one side of the courtyard to the next.

I was on edge, Bull was on edge, Varric and Vivienne were huddled together back to back bloodied but still alive, Cole hadn’t escaped from the rubble, and Envy had yet to show itself once more. The tension was palpable; the air felt like it weighed a ton and was charged in frantic energy.

There was no way to know how much longer Envy would last, we all got good solid hits on it, and blood was on the ground where it disappeared last. I started to walk as slowly as I could to the center of the courtyard, my limbs heavy and tight, ready to swing.

The next moment I saw green, and the demon jumped. I tried to ready my axe in time, but the long claws reached past my defense.

I screamed when they slashed along my face, the axe dropping, and my hands snapping to my nose and mouth to stop the fire of pain that was pulsing out of my face. The sound that came out though was gurgled, and all I could do was stare at Envy as it screamed right back, its claws above my head ready to strike the final blow. I didn’t close my eyes on instinct this time, I knew I had to watch my death, but death wasn’t what I got.

Another axe slammed into Envy, right through the skull, splitting the skull and flinging ooze over my hands and face.

The pain hadn’t stopped with the battle, nor would it for a while, it was like lines of fire had engulfed my mouth and nose, tears had started to fall, stinging as they trailed into the cracks between fingers and into the wounds. This was going to scar, like the ones on my leg.

I slipped to the ground my legs hitting my fallen axe and my ass hitting the cold wet ground, I was shaking uncontrollably. Blood covered my hands and started to drip onto my pants the harder I pressed the pain in. The only thing I knew about wounds was to put pressure in them, and I was doing that.

“Boss!” Bull’s feet came into view, his hands coming to grab my axe and put it with his; he kneeled down to get a better look at what had happened. “Vivienne!” there were no words needed; clearly, I wasn’t okay.

My vision was starting to blur, the edges fuzzy and the center started to spin. I closed my eyes to try and get myself grounded, Cole was still in the rubble and the Templars had to be told.

“Cole, some-” I sputtered around my hands, blood filled my mouth and pain seared at my lips, “someone check on Cole!”

I heard the light feet of Vivienne running, she stumbled a moment when she got in front of Bull and saw the blood, her eyes were sad, no longer the hard mage who could work the room, now she was worried and ready to help. Her hands grasped mine gently, pulling them off. I winced when I let my hands release my face.

Maybe if I never let go I would never have to look.

Her chilly fingers grabbed my chin looking, examining how to help. I couldn’t look at Bull, even though he was so scarred that he was missing an eye, how would he look at me after this, the image of my failure stark on my face.

I felt a strange kind of pain then, my skin pulled itself harshly, but it stopped the next second. “My dear, I'm sorry, healing magic is not my forte. It will leave a scar.”

The tears were still falling, but so was the rain, I had to stand, I had to speak. Vivienne looked at my mouth, her eyes sad but proud. I gave her a pained smile, my face held together, no ripping at the edges that cut through my lips.

I reached my hands up, still bloody, and felt at the scars, they were jagged and raised, forced together by magic. I moved my face as best I could; it ached like a burn that was almost healed, not like a cut I got naught but five minutes ago.

I started to stand, but my legs felt like jelly, and I couldn’t get the strength in my arms to push myself up. Bull’s hand grabbed my arm and gently helped me up. I wobbled for a moment, getting my feet under me and working out my wobbles.

“Let’s get you to a healer.” His voice was soft, and his warm hands left their warmth wherever he touched, and started to move me to the arch that we entered from.

“No wait, was Cole in the rubble?” I pulled away, losing my balance for a moment but wobbling back to stability and walked over to the crumbled rubble. There was no sign that a person could have survived the impact, let alone the rubble that fell.

“Cole, you okay?” I asked quietly, I knew that the boy wasn’t human, that was clear with how he talked and acted but he was too young, no older than Vai, and that broke my heart to see him slammed into the wall.

*you remember?*

It was quiet, like the first time I found him in the courtyard, but it eased my nerves. Good, he was okay.

I turned, and let my vision blur for the moment and breathed. I was alive, Cole was okay and I didn’t lose any friends. I would call this a tentative success so far.

Now my friends stood unsure, all staring at the pile of rocks. It was surreal to see them be afraid of Cole, but I was the only one to talk to him, maybe he made himself invisible to them but not me? Though that I still thought about him seemed to distress him, so I left the rubble.

“Tough kid.” Varric whispered as I passed, his eyes fixed to where Cole fell. So he was there in the fight, others saw him. Another weight was lifted; the last was the remaining Templars.

They had started to come through the archway, Barris at the front and many men at his command.

“So the demon is dead then. Andraste be praised.” I rolled my eyes, it wasn’t some dead lady that saved us, it was a mage, a dwarf, a Qunari and a Herald that didn’t want to be one. “We are many in number, but still we let this atrocity occur. Our commanders either allowed this or were complicit in the plans. The Templars are ready to fulfill our duty, what does the inquisition need of us.”

Barris was a soldier now, hard and ready to face whatever was going to happen, face what his men did and what his leaders caused. This was a man ready to take whatever I thought he and his men deserved.

“Barris.” My voice was harsh like fire, like I had screamed the entire time we were fighting. “There was corruption here, but now I only see courage and valor. All of you have more honor standing here now than your leaders did throughout this ordeal.”

I swallowed, these men were hanging off of my every word, I didn’t want to imprison them. “Join us and rise again, help seal the Breach before it destroys everything.”

“There is a truth we should have never ignored. Now we have no leaders. Betrayal had eroded us, we need to rebuild as well.” This was a smart man, he knew that this needed serious help, they needed help. A light bulb went off in the depths of my mind, something I was sure Leliana wouldn’t really like.

“The Templars are an order, a symbol that holds respect, and I will not kill it today. I offer you an alliance, supplies, weapons, even grounds to take shelter in. All I need is your help closing that.” When I finished I gestured to the sky, I hoped they wouldn’t need any more convincing, my voice was getting rougher the more I talked, as if sandpaper was my throat now.

Barris turned to his men, their eyes shining with something akin to hope. “Do we take the Inquisition’s terms Templars?” All their fists went into the sky, cheers echoed off the walls at the same time. It brought fresh tears to my eyes, and before I had a chance to wipe them they spilled over.

It was a beautiful moment in the chaos, every man and woman fought for their lives today and the ones who won were just happy to be alive. I wiped the tears before anyone saw.

“The Templars will come Herald. I hope your stronghold is ready.” A chuckle escaped my lips, I wasn’t ready that was for damn sure. I just got about half of my face almost ripped off and let my men get hurt.

“We’re ready for everyone who wants to help.” I was exhausted, and ready to leave and never ever come back.

The Templars cheered one last time and began to walk away and out. I let my shoulders fall and tried to get rid of all the tension in my body. I could relax, breathe, nothing else was going to kill me now.

“Boss.” A small smile broke my mouth when I heard Bull, his deep rumble soothing and calming. My legs started to shake, my body was giving out, to tired to keep standing, but I would not let myself fall. I was the ‘front man’ for the inquisition, I had to look good.

“Yeah Bull?”

“Your bleeding again.” He came to my front, his large hand grabbed my shoulder firmly, but still with the gentleness of a bird, and he bent down to look me in the eyes with his one. “and while that might have been a good speech, you need to rest.”

Before I could say my refusal, Varric stomped up. “Girly, you haven’t stopped moving since we got here. When we get in the building you will lay down and rest.”

I giggled, it had been a long time since I had someone pretend to be my father, and Varric got the closest to the way he would reprimand without being mean. I rubbed my eyes and raked my fingers through my hair. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to rest; it was that there were still things to do.

Bulls hand was still on my shoulder, and I was feeling less like resisting. Rest sounded nice.

~*~*~*~*~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so long and I couldn't find a good place to end it! I cut and edited the end of this and the next one so much trying to find the best flow!


	16. I Don't Know, What About You?

We made it to just outside of Therinfall before my team made me stop. I had been following in a haze, slow and steady down the hundreds of stairs, not really seeing the ground or sky, just the horns of the man in front of me.

Vivienne had been at my side since we left the battlefield, her strong hand there for me on steps and when I had a fit of dizziness that made me halt our progress for a minute. The strong woman gave me kind looks when my feet got in my way and gave me space when I wanted to be strong for the Templars. She understood keeping up appearances.

Varric kept up a tale about the first time he went into the deep roads, it was sad, but the way he told it had me giggling. It helped to listen, I didn’t need to think, just hear that I wasn’t alone in Thedas, well in a sense. I was not the only one who had to save it from destruction.

The Iron Bull led the way, my chariot to the outside world, his broad shoulders blocked people from seeing me and wanting a blessing or something else. His pace was slow and lumbering, giving me time to breathe and just walk.

Now we were outside and in our camp nearby. Inquisition scouts ran up when they saw us, and quickly ran back to the camp, coming back a second later with a bowl of warm soup and a blanket for each of us. Tears spilled over when the young woman came up to me and placed the blanket on me, I choked out a thank you and started scarfing the food down.

She didn’t look at my face.

We settled down by the blazing fire and finished eating the heavy stew, I asked for seconds with the rest of my team, and when the soldiers brought our bowls back, they gave each of us a drink too.

“Herald.” One scout was hovering with a piece of paper and a quill in hand. I needed to tell the inquisition about what happened, but I was so tired, I was sure that I would fall asleep halfway through the dictation.

“I’ll take care of it Girly, Cassandra can hang me if she doesn’t like it.”

“You know it won’t be her reading this right? You gotta fear Leliana for these.” He waved me off and headed over with the scribe. My bowl was warm and I continued eating, I wasn’t ready to go to my tent.

I had seconds and thirds of the hearty stew, I ate until I was full and felt like I was going to burst before I sat my bowl down. Varric still hadn’t gotten back from the scribe; if I had gone, I would still be there probably cold and still hungry. I needed to buy Varric a good drink for this. After a while, all the members of the camp started to filter out until the night team was the only ones milling about.

They kept a mirror in the tent for the Herald, and I knew it would be set up as it always was when we stayed at our camps. I used to like it, but now I was petrified to see what I looked like.

Vivienne stood and offered her hand to me, there was no option to say no, I could see it in her face. Her poker face wasn’t nearly as good as Bull’s.

I grabbed it and stood, bones creaking and a few grunts before I could start moving again. She didn’t let go of my hand though, she kept it gently in hers and led me to the tent.

She entered the flap before me and held her hand out side, motioning for me to stay. She shuffled around for a minute, moving things and flapping fabric before she came out and walked with me back in.

The floor length mirror was covered with a long sheet. She gave this look that broke the damn of tears, she looked so sorry when she stared at me, her eyes resting on my mouth, trailing the lines I knew were there but couldn’t look at quite yet.

I couldn’t stop the tears, which only made her look even sadder, but they weren’t sad tears. I grasped the thin woman in a hug before she could get away form it. Her form stiffened, but quickly released and grasped me back. I sobbed into her shirt for a minute, just letting the moment happen, letting the tears out and holding the woman who tried so hard.

Eventually I let her go; still holding onto her arms, I had stopped crying and she had lost the look of blame from her face. “Thank you. Will you look with me?”

Vivienne’s hard exterior cracked farther and she nodded, grasping my arms back. The tent was lit with candles and mage fire, giving us enough light to see in.

Vivienne let go of my hand, still holding on with the other and grabbed the sheet and pushed it to the side. My eyes closed instinctually, but I peeled them open, not looking at my face yet.

My eyes trailed up my clothes, they were more than blood spattered and could probably be considered soaked. There were cuts and burns in the fabric and the farther I got up my body the more cuts I saw.

When I finally looked at my face, I didn’t look away. Three long scars, bright red and jagged covered my mouth and nose, the longest scraped down my nostril and down to my chin, and the other two matched each other in length, the middle of my cheeks to the jaw.

It was a wicked scar, no straight lines or flat scars, I ran my hands along them, rough and raised. It could have been worse. I could be dead.

“If I were more skilled I might have been able to lessen the scarring.” She was also looking, her eyes hard and angry.

“Please, don’t blame yourself Vivienne, you saved my face, I can talk, it’s not your fault that now I look like a badass.” She squeezed my arm and smiled.

I didn’t like how it looked or felt, but I couldn’t let her blame herself. I was the one who didn’t get out of the way after all. Bravado would get me out of this like it always did.

I thanked her one last time and hugged for another long moment, we had a bond, she saved me and blamed herself for how it ended up. I blamed myself for not moving. There was no sound when she left, just the light moved and fluttered with the tent flap.

I worked my armor off and just left it in the pile it fell in and flopped on to the naked bed, the sheet covering the mirror once more. My body sank into the mattress, it was more comfortable than it had ever been, and in a moment I fell into the sweet release of sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The trip back to haven was awkward to say the least. I sat in the cabin, not by my choice, with Vivienne staring out at the mountains while she studied the assassination plan for the empress, trying to figure out just who wrote it and wanted her dead.

There weren’t many books that were at my reading level, most were short children’s books meant for the parents to read, or were so full of the chantry’s rhetoric that I wanted to puke.

Let’s just say that the church and I back home weren’t on good terms.

But now I had read through The Magical Mabari three times, and I didn’t want to go through it a fourth time, so I sat watched the mountains crawl by as we marched on the last leg of our journey back.

I already had a scribe transcribe the mission report back to Leliana, so they knew by now that the Templars were our allies, and the lord Seeker was dead, but I was dreading going back this time.

It was almost time to close the Breach, I had the Templars, and now all I needed to do was get back there and throw the mark at it again. No one knew what was going to happen when I closed it, what if I was sent back home, what if it killed me this time, my thoughts wouldn’t stop racing and I needed them too.

“My dear, you have a dreadful look on your face.” I glanced over to Vivienne, her hands folded over the sheets of paper in her lap. Her face was a poker queen, a serene smile and soft eyes that were searching for something in my face.

“Are you still thinking about Therinfall?”

“Yeah, the Lord Seeker and his commanders.” She nodded, and smiled her large dark eyes crinkling in the corners and soft lips turned to happy.

“You did a good job; you salvaged as many Templars as you could. We will need every single Templar, but they will need proper watch and care, as we will need to increase our trade of lyrium, we may need to use the chantry stockpiles.” I always felt a little dumb when I spoke to the nobler members of Thedas, I didn’t even consider those things, but with Vivienne she seemed to want to help me learn, she just always did it in the practical.

“We’ll probably need even more than that with our luck.” I earned a light chuckle but she quickly was back to business.

“We may need to open trade with Orzamar directly.” She paused and let the moment linger, her eyes lingering at the edges of the green sky. “The Breach has done more than disfigure the sky, the veil is broken there and now all mages are more susceptible to demons than ever before. We may just find that whatever wrongs the Templars might have done, they are the only ones who could stand against us and chaos.”

I nodded, trying to absorb the information she was trying to impart, but not getting it other than be careful and prepare. “I agree, we should plan for every occasion.”

“I'm glad; magic is dangerous my dear, just as fire and swords, whoever forgets those facts will get hurt.” I always wished I had an older woman to speak to about life, and Vivienne seemed to be filling that role well, even if she wasn’t really old at all.

The carriage stopped moving, and the door swung open. Varric was on the other side along with the rest of haven. I wasn’t ready to step out into the sun of my soldiers and show them my failure, but after Vivienne left, Varric’s hand was still outstretched to me.

I grasped it like it was a life line, and didn’t make eye contact with anyone as I made my way to my cabin. Even though I washed my clothes at least three times the blood and red lyrium wouldn’t get out of the formerly white shirt. Now when I laid it out on my bed I could see all the small slashes and burns that littered it.

I took in a deep breath and turned to the mirror, the fresh scars on my face stark, but the little cuts made it look less out of place. I was covered in small cuts and my body looked like one bruise, but I was alive.

It was kind of scary being so happy to still be here, at first I was scared to just look at the sky but now look at me. Scarred and ready to fight.

I heard a knock on my door that quickly became a banging at my door. I sighed and grabbed the shirt that was actually clean and threw it on. “You can come in.”

Layla was on the other side, her hesitant steps made no noise as she walked in. “Lady Cassandra needs to see you my Lady.”

“Thank you Layla, I’ll go in a moment. Are you alright?” She blinked a few times before shaking her head and bowing quickly.

“Better now that you are back.” She stood and left, leaving me in shock. Was there a difference when I was gone? Were the triad vicious, I didn’t think so, but it wasn’t exactly sure with all the crazy things I did out in the field.

I started to tuck the cream shirt into my pants as I sped up the stairs to the chantry, and finished buttoning the leather vest when I pushed the doors open to the war room. The triad and Cassandra were chatting about supplies and soldiers.

They all stood in silence, there were no words for the scar, and all of them had their own. I clapped Cassandra on the shoulder and tried to diffuse the situation.

“At least I got the Templars on our side, do you want me to go the mages in a couple days, see if they need help too?” There was more silence and when I glanced around none of my Triad were smiling. My own slid off and the air of the room started to press in on me.

“We have had no contact with the Mages since you left for Therinfall, and since you defeated the Envy demon, there hasn’t been any contact with our agents in Redcliffe.” That shot a stone right to the bottom of my stomach with Leliana’s blunt words.

“it is not all a loss though, What you found in the Knight-Commanders quarters is proof that the commanders knew they were blighting their ranks. They knew that the red lyrium wasn’t the same.” Cullen looked like a man betrayed by his lover, his hands on the table in fists with his knuckles turning white. This was a little more than professional anger; he had a personal gripe here.

“At that it was even before some of the leadership knew that the Lord Seeker had been replaced.” Cassandra’s comment bit, but it was accurate, the superior Templars had abandoned their responsibilities to be noble and great.

“It put us in a position to ask much more from our new alliance. You should have contacted us first.” I was left blinking in shock from Leliana’s comment, how was I supposed to delay the Templars without allying with them?

“There wasn’t exactly time, or well, it wasn’t really possible, and now all the corrupt members are either dead or in our custody, the real issue we have is lyrium. Vivienne said that we should try for an alliance with Orzamar, a deal. Like we pay a little more and they make sure it gets to us” Josephine’s face broke into a grin that sparkled, I hoped that it was a good idea earlier when I spoke with Vivienne.

“I will make contact with a few of nobles in Orzamar, how many Templars should we be expecting?” I almost laughed in my most positive advisors face and said not nearly enough, but Cullen must have known my feelings and answered.

“A few dozen veterans are coming ahead of the rest to help seal the breach, the rest are rebuilding and healing, they won’t be here for a while.” Cullen looked like how I felt, stressed and run through the wash another time.

“And when will they be arriving?” Josephine’s quill was moving at the speed of light, scratches and dips into the ink filling the muffled silence that the war room held.

“They’re almost here.” It a flash of grey smoke Cole appeared on the table, hunched into a crouch. I head swords ring as they were unsheathed and a few exclamations of maker from the more devout members of the Triad.

“I came with you to help, I would have told you, but you were busy before.” The innocence of the comment would have been funny if there weren’t three swords pointed at Cole. I gestured for them to lower their weapons, but only Leliana did, her eyes guarded, but wistful too.

“Cole! That’s okay, you just startled us that’s all. How did you appear there, it was just air before?” I motioned for a cease-fire again and still the swords were at the ready.

“I wasn’t air. I was here, you didn’t see me, most people don’t unless I let them.”

“Call the guards! Kesta this creature is not-” I placed my hand on Cullen’s sword physically moving it into a more neutral position and Leliana stepped forward.

“Cassandra, a moment please. I would like to know why he has come.” Leliana looked at Cole like he was something she had known and never thought she would see again.

Cole didn’t look at my advisors, his eyes were locked to mine, I don’t think he ever blinked. “You help people; you made the Templars safe when they were going to die. I want to help, I want to do that too.” His voice was so unsure, but he spoke with such conviction, and if he popped up again I made a deal I would try and keep the boy safe, so now I have that chance.

“You saved my life at Therinfall, I wouldn’t have gotten out of Envy’s trap without you, you can stay.” I could hear the startings of rebellion in my traids head, and soon the disapproval started to roll in.

“You’re not honestly thinking of giving him full reign of the camp are you.”

“What does he want?”

“Not freely no, and not at first, it seems such a waste- hold on! Where did he go?” In the chaos Cole had disappeared, but I knew he wasn’t gone, just like at Therinfall.

“He does that, he’s still here somewhere.”

“I’ll have some of my people watch the boy, but lets not be distracted from the Breach.” I didn’t want to tell Leliana that if Cole didn’t want to be found he wouldn’t be, and thankfully she changed the subject back.

“We’ll need you when the Templars arrive, so take some time to prepare, form their last letter they were about a day away.” I nodded and smiled, and tried to not show how freaked out I was.

The Triad left after that, I had my eyes focused onto the war table. I had one day to prepare myself for one of three options.

One. I close the Breach, get sent back to earth and live the rest of my miserable life there.

Two. I close the Breach and it kills me dead.

Three. I close the Breach and the only thing that happens is the sky is no longer green.

Three also probably would mean a court-marshal, or something in the same vein for the inquisition. I would probably end up the main offender and executed. I grasped the table, nothing I did was going to be good enough for the chantry, I was branded the Herald before I truly understood the title.

The room was so silent, even more than my cabin, stone muffled everything so I could only hear the faint crackling of the fire in the corner. I slowly sank in front of the table.

I was in the fetal position with my hands still on the table, white with pressure. How was I going to do this, I didn’t believe in the Maker, I already had my issues with god back home, and now I was going to fix what I caused, and be martyred for it.

Tears started to spill, and I started to shake. It felt like a wave of despair washed all my efforts away and I was back to being the prisoner who everyone blamed for the breach.

“You want to help, you need to help to feel whole. A hole in the dark you forgot to fill. It hurts to help though, nothing helps enough.” Cole’s soft voice shook me to my core, it wasn’t like at Therinfall, when we were safely in my mind. People could hear him now. “Scared, scarred, you fear the past because it repeats; secrets whispered in silence can’t be heard if no ears are around to listen.”

“Cole, how do you know that, before we were in my mind.” My voice was weak, but I knew how to talk after crying. It was all a test of my mettle, a test I was losing.

He stayed silent and I stood, the boy was shorter than me by a hair, so his wide hat was all I could see of his face, but he seemed to be thinking. “It’s not a test if you are giving the questions.”

I stared at the hat, my heart beating a million miles a minute. I wanted to run again, to flee as far as I could and breathe. Nothing was going right, Cole seemed harmless, and I hoped he was but no one trusted my word. They didn’t trust that the only option was alliance; anything could go wrong at any minute.

I turned and dashed out of the small room, getting strange looks from the chantry sisters and workers. I couldn’t exactly run out into the forest, since last time Bull found me, and my cabin didn’t exactly have a lock. I looked franticly around, my eyes landing on a door. A few calming breaths and I was stable enough to open the door.

The staircase was lit poorly, a torch at the top and bottom, but the cellar was another matter. There were pillars throughout the whole area, evenly spaced and covered in torches. I had found the Inquisitions rations, storage and liquor.

It took a lot of my self-control to not to pop open the bottle that sat closest to me, my eyes roving over the liquor and shelves. We were well stocked, but I think these were the rarer bottles. I left the wine part of the cellar, the rest of the basement held more barrels and the other was a dusty library.

The smell was the same as the library back on earth, old paper and old people. I walked between the two rooms before I grabbed a bottle and walked into the library, maybe I could find a book that wasn’t too hard.

The titles were dizzying, Archons of the Ancient Age, The Black Divine: Truth or Fiction, Antivan Bloodlines, Nevaran Bloodlines, There were a few copies of Varric’s works spread throughout, Hard in Hightown and Swords and Shields. I grabbed the few that looked like I might make heads of, and uncorked the bottle.

I didn’t know how long I sat down there drinking brandy and reading, but it was long enough for Mineave to come find me. Her soft hand on my shoulder shocked me so hard I almost fell out of my chair that had grown so comfy.

Mineave was there, her kind eyes sad but her hands were warm on my arms when she tried to get me up. It took a moment but I stood and waved the kind woman off. The books I grabbed sat, some left half open to concepts and words I didn’t understand and some were thrown to the floor when I discovered they weren’t as easy as I had hoped.

I grabbed the bottle I had been nursing and the one book I could read and not be confused, Hard in Hightown. Which had been a surprise, Varric was the same in writing as he was in speaking, conversational.

The steps out of the cellar were a little more difficult while intoxicated, my legs not quite agreeing with where I wanted them to go and hands that constantly needed to be holding onto the railing, the bottle I grabbed must have been stronger than I had thought.

It was night when I finally exited the chantry, but the activity hadn’t dulled any. People were still running around, carrying boxes and shouting orders, it almost looked like morning. Other than the fact that the sky was black and the moons that hung in the sky, the Templars must have made it into haven.

I ducked my head and made my way to my cabin, not wanting any Templars to call out and want to chat, it was long past when I should have been sleeping. I made it to my cabin in a hurry, no soldiers found me to have a chat and neither did any of the residents of haven.

My cabin was dark, that was to be expected I didn’t light the fireplace when I changed, and it felt strangely like home. It was the same feeling I had with my shitty apartment, this tiny cabin was safe, it was home.

It broke my heart a little more, I was more comfortable than ever here, and in the end if given the choice to leave, would I even consider it? Would the sincere smiles from my friends keep me on this plane, or would I get taken home and never find my way back.

I gulped down more of the brandy, coughing at the burn and sputtering when it escaped from my nose. 

There wasn’t enough booze in the world to numb the idea that the second I would be happy I would be swept away again.


	17. What Now?

When I woke the next morning it was before the sun had fully risen. 

I sat in bed for what felt like hours waiting for the telltale knock from Layla at the door, heralding Cassandra's need for me.

The room was bathed in the slight green light that came from my mark, reflecting off of the ceiling and illuminating my biggest fear of the day. 

I was going to die today.

Time ticked on as I watched the color of my room change with the coming dawn, I laid still trying to put my mind in a different place, I would close the Breach today!

Why couldn't I just think of the positive.

A light knock on the door broke the trance I was in. 

"Your worship?" I answered with a grunt and shuffled towards the door.

Layla stood, her hands clasped but not wringing themselves out. Maybe she was getting more comfortable with me?

"I have some clothes from Josephine, she said your last set was in sorry shape." There was a small bundle by her feet, and in a quick motion she placed it in my hands.

"Thanks layla, how has it been while I was gone?" 

She stared at me for a moment, her wide dark eyes so confused before she stuttered out her answer. "We got news of your victory, but when you got back... we were worried." 

The sincerity in her voice shook me. I didn't know she felt that strongly about me. "I'm sorry I worried you, but I'm still alive and now I can close the Breach!"

She looked at me with hope and sadness, like she was afraid of the same thing I was.

I took the clothes into my room and started to change. 

These were a much higher quality of clothes than I wore out adventuring, the shirt was a thick soft material that was so warm it was almost like I was in a furnace.

The pants were a soft leather that was lined with an even softer fur, and both were such dark rich colors it almost felt weird wearing them.

I looked in the mirror, the emerald of the shirt was deep and dark, almost like a wine bottle, and the pants were such a dark brown they almost looked black.

Clearly Josie saw I liked dark colors, but she seemed to have gotten the impression I liked my clothes fancy. 

While I walked through Haven it felt even more like I was out of place. Even my companions stared as I walked by, Varric hastily pulling for a quill and Layla's eyes lingered as well.

I saw Bull's eye stray to me but quickly swing back to his lieutenant. I didn't even think he saw it was just me.

When I reached the chantry Vivienne gave an approving noise and pointed me to the end of the hall.

I heard soft muttering coming from the other side of the door, and pushed it open. 

Josephine and Leliana were huddled together chatting over the noble houses in Orlais. Cassandra and Cullen stared at the war table trying to predict what would happen at the Breach.

When I made my entrance Cullen looked at me and began. 

"The Templar veterans arrived last night and began preparing at the temple. Are you certain you are ready for this? We don't know what will happen to you." 

"I've never been certain of anything Cullen. But there is no way of knowing what'll happen. I want that thing out of the sky." 

The room was silent. I hadn't ment to be so forceful, but Cassandra had a gleam in her eyes that I liked to see.

"Then we will move on the Breach. I will bring Solas and Varric, no doubt they would like to see the end of this." I nodded, the words the end rattled in my mind for far too long. 

"I'll bring Bull and Vivienne." I stood and left the room. That was it, Cassandra had already left for our Elven mage and Dwarf. Now I headed for the exit. 

"Vivienne, get ready to go to the Breach." I felt as if I was placed on auto pilot.

I called out for Bull once I left the chantry, his horns that were not to far off lumbered up swiftly.

"Yeah Boss?" There was a small hint of some thing I couldn't place in his face, almost like worry, but I brushed it off, there were more important things than my fantasy.

"Get ready, we're gonna go close the Breach." I left him behind as I continued for the cabin of refuge.

A large hand on my wrist stopped me before I made it two steps away from the large man

"Boss, are you okay?" I was frozen in place, his warm hand held my wrist so gently and there was such sincerity in his voice.

I didn't turn arround, knowing he would see the lie in my face, he was a spy. He was trained to see the things that were wrong.

"Yeah, I'm fine, thanks Bull." He didn't let go clearly not believing me.

"You haven't slowed down at all, I don't think you came out of the chantry after you went to meet your advisors." I turned, fairly sure I got my face into a blank expression and stared at him.

He noticed I wasn't slowing down or taking a break. He noticed I didn't leave the chantry. I was probably filling letter after letter back to the Ben-Hassrath.

"I can sleep when I'm dead. This is the end Bull, no more Breach, no more inquisition." The fierceness in my voice surprised me, but it was true. Once this was over it was the end of me in Thedas.

"Sure Boss." He gently let my hand go and I turned to head back to my cabin, I couldn't let my fantasy take over. He couldn't be interested.

Once I had closed the door behind me I slid down the door and held my head. I wished I had more time here, then I could really begin again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"So Tiny, I've been told there's no marriage under the Qun?" Varric's bold question nearly made me choke on air. 

"That's a little personal Varric." Bull let out a short chuckle but didn't answer. 

Varric didn't let up though, clearly braver than me. "They don't though right?" 

"No, we don't. We love our friends, but we don't fuck them." It surprised me that Bull answered but the answer he gave made my heart sink. 

I was right, nothing was going to happen between us. 

"You guys don't have sex?" Varric continued as if he were my much braver side.

"No, we defiantly have sex, there are Tamassrans who'll take care of it when you need it."

"For real?" The words tumbled out of me before so could stop them, and before I could apologise Bull gave a inquisitive grunt and actually answered.

"Well yeah, it's not as big a deal like it is here, it's like... I don't know, like seeing a healer? Sometimes it takes all day, sometimes you're in and out in five minutes." I nodded but a little part of me couldn't stop. 

"So you've never made love in both body and soul?" I could hear a furious scribbling but I didn't care anymore. 

I was going to die tonight, I might as well flirt.

He stood for a second, blinking before getting a wicked smirk on his face. "I don't know... there was this one time with a leather wrapped rod on a harness, but I don't think that was my soul. Also there were more than two people."

We kept in up the mountain in comfortable silence, but my mind just couldn't keep away from the stupid topic of the Breach.

"What was it like, growing up under the Qun?" 

I was staring into the sky, my eyes glued to the green mass getting closer and closer when he answered.

"Well, Tamassrans raise us in groups all our own age. Like teachers, or chantry sisters. They also figure out what your best at. Had me pegged for mitiary work right away... when they found I could fight and lie they started to train me for the Ben-Hassrath."

He talked slowly, letting his words flow as he talked. I looked at him when he started to open up about himself. 

"That must have been a good day for you." His smile wasn't wicked or a spy smirk. It was sweet and kind before he answered in a soft tone.

"Yeah, it's like you're a block of stone and one day you become the statue inside." I couldn't keep looking at his soft eye, so I looked back to the path, the Temple entrance just on the top of the hill.

Varric let out a deep sigh at the sight of the red lyrium, which I followed with my own. 

The place was still a mess. Jagged pillars of rock jutted out I arround the entrance, and everything was illuminated green.

I pushed myself forward, I didn't want to be stuck staring at the Breach, but the tension in me grew as I passed through the stone tunnel. I felt like a watch wound too tight.

Cassandra came to stand at my side, her strong hand squeezed my shoulder and oh so gently pushed me to the center.

I was back. The huge crater I made had destroyed the roof and most of the Temple, so the sky was clear and I had a straight line to the Breach. 

I felt like something had possessed me as my eyes stared at the Breach. I walked until I was in the center, where I did this the first time and froze. 

How could I close this thing.

I spun around and saw all my companions watching from the rubble. Cassandra had her eyes locked onto me, Solas very much the same.

I saw Cassandra's small nod followed by her tiny smile before she turned her back to rally the Templars.

"Templars, this is the time." Her titanius voice echoed, if I wasn't near the swirling abyss it would have been as silent as the grave.

"Focus past the Herald! Let your power flow through her!" Solas called over the raucous Templars, calming and focusing them.

I felt it when they starred, like you feel powerlines above you, I was just a conduit of the mark.

My eyes were glazed over with green, my hand raised in the fog and latched onto the sky.

I must have screamed, but I couldn't hear anything, the blinding rush of power from the Templars adding to the static thrum of my mark erased sound and sight.

I was frozen once more, static pulsing through me, but nothing was happening. It felt like hours before I could grasp something, but I caught and hooked on the tether between the two worlds.

I was hot and cold, numb and horribly in pain in that second, like the tether was trying to rip me in half, but I was holding.

I ripped my arm away, trying to sever the tether, get away from the gigantic force I couldn't fathom, but this time I couldn't let go.

I screamed again, the scratch in my throat the last thing keeping me in my head and pulled on the tether, snapping it.

I fell over, it was quiet, and dark.

I heard scrambling and yells from behind me followed by screams of elation farther back. 

I opened my eyes to a dark sky, with faint green marks, no more swirling abyss. I was flat on my back staring at a darkening sky I hadn't ever truly seen. 

I did it! I really did it! 

I felt hands on my arm and ones that tried to help me up, Cassandra's rare smile was full and shining down on me.

I was still here, still alive.

I felt someone wrapping my hand and patting the top, but I couldn't stop staring at the sky.

What was going to happen next?

~*~*~*~*~*~

When we made it back to haven the party was in full swing but I couldn't join in. I found myself on the wall just outside the chantry watching silently as the party roared below near the bar.

It was surreal. I was so sure I would have died, and for a while while closing the Breach I thought I was. 

The mark unsettled me more than ever. It's lines had started to spread along my hands, following the natural creases. I thought I would die, so living with the mark wasn't in my long term game plan.

I heard soft footsteps coming from the stairs, Cassandra had a glass in each hand and a soft look on her face. 

"Solas confirmed that the sky is whole, scarred but whole." She placed one glass next to me and I downed it, anything to erase my thinking. "There are reports that rifts remain where ther were, but word has started to spread, of this victory and of your heroism." 

"Cassandra, you know just how many people were involved, dumb luck made me the Herald." I scoffed, I was just flinging my hand at things, and happened to close the Breach. 

"Dumb luck? Seems an apt description, I don't know if we need more or less, but you are right. One of the few victories of such recently." 

We stood in silence, the wine warmed my chest, but my mind was still shaken. 

I did notice when bells started to ring through out camp. Not joyous ones that were part of merriment, a warning claxon. 

Cassandra gripped my arm in a vice, and for a second I saw pure fear before she called out to the villagers.

"Get to the chantry!" Then, with my arm still in her grip she met my eyes. "We need to get to the gate!"

We ran as fast as we could, barreling past people and yelling for everyone to go to the chantry. The warning bells still rang when we reached the gate, Cullen and Leliana close on our footsteps.

"So much for celebratory drinks." I heard the quiet rumble from Bull, even if I wasn't sure wether he wanted me to hear it or not.

"I have multiple reports saying it's a massive force just beyond the mountian." Cullen called over to us and I waved Bull to come with. 

"What banner are they under?" Leliana had her eyes locked on the gate. 

"None." Bull looked shocked, as did Leliana and Cassandra, but I was still staring at the gate, flashes of orange and yellow followed by strings of what I was pretty sure were curses.

A few more blasts hit the gate followed by a palm smacking it and a frustrated yell.

"If someone could open this gate I would really appreciate it!" I raced forward and started to swing the heavy bar off of the door, with Bull close on my heels.

I swung the gate open, the ground was littered with men in strange uniform, and one man left kneeling and breathing like he had run a marathon.

"Are you alright?" I started to help the man up, his expression was of shock.

"Am I alright? I came all this way to help you!" There was humor in his musical voice and a smirk on his face when he got to his feet. 

The man dusted off his ostentatious armor and gave me a quick short bow.

"I was with the mages of Redcliffe, now they are under the control of this so called 'Elder One' and the Venatori under him are commanded by the woman Calpernia." 

I stared at the man, his fear got plainer on his face with every moment.

"I came here to help. He changed the rebel mages. Made them think his way!" 

"Cullen, Bull, do either of you have a plan." I had seen my big bodyguard giving the battlefield a once over and Cullen was giving his soldiers a look.

"Haven isn't a stronghold. Though.. if we control this first wave we may control the battle." His hands were running over his face and trying to not panic. He turned to the soldiers and residents of haven. "Soldiers! Gather the villagers! For your lives and the Herald!"

I flushed fed with the roar that erupted for me. It wasn't me they were cheating for, it was the Herald of Andraste. 

I rushed to the trebushet, seeing foreign soldiers had started to encroach again and swung.

The new man had said they were Venatori, I knew that I had heard of them from Josie, but I couldn't remember where they were from. It didn't matter, I needed to defend my people, and that was it.

I saw red and heard static, I knew I was being reckless but I couldn't stop. 

A few rocks flew from the first trebushet. And eventually a yell started us to the other one, it hasn't fired.

I hoped Bull had heard the yell too, because all I could speak was a roar. I ran up the hill, legs burning and hands slipping on my axe. 

Venatori had surrounded the trebushet, but we were fast, I downed the one at the controls first and started to crank it. 

I trusted Bull and Vivienne to watch my back, and Varric and Cassandra had theirs. It only took moments for me to get it in place.

I shot it off and felt a great rush, the flaming ball soared through the dark night into the m ountian on the other side, and I had my Milan moment.

The whole mountain collapsed in an avalanche, washing the fires off of the hill and silencing the dull roar with one that deafened.

It was over in that moment, I turned to cheat on my team when Bull grabbed me in a dive that knocked all the air out of me.

Fires erupted and the ground shook, and I was safe in Bulls arms. He had me in a lock grip, but didn't hurt me, so careful as if I were fragile.

When the shaking stoped he let me out, but I was frozen staring at the sky.

A huge dragon was flying in circles above a destroyed trebushet. A huge dragon that was shooting off blasts of fire right onto haven.

Could this day get harder?


	18. What Plan?

What Plan?

Haven was in flames. I could see the bright glow of fire and smoke billow. I felt numb, Bull had started to haul me up, his urgency evident. The screams snapped me out of my trance.

My people needed help.

I sprang into action once Bull got me to my feet, my axe was out and my blood was boiling. 

Fires burned in the snow, melting it and muddying the trail and making my feet stick and stumble.

I pushed through, Harrit's yells for help piercing through the chaos of the area. Bull was over in a second, smashing the debris and allowing the older man into his forge, and us to continue. 

We made it to the gate, Cullen urging people to the chantry and watching for the last stragglers, his movements frantic and hurried.

"Harrit should be the last person out there!" I called over my shoulder as I ran past, we couldn't waste any time if we wanted to save people, the Venatori had already gotten in.

My blood pounded louder than ever, my hands trembled on my axe, we were losing.

"Split up! Find every one in trouble!" I left my crew then, my mind in one place I was going to make sure innocent people weren't hurt.

I heard screams, anguish, pain and horror. My legs pumped and I found someone in trouble.

Flissa was under the collapsed roof of her tavern, sounded by flames. I jumped in, my hands burning as I lifted the beam, the smaller woman inched out and stumbled into the chantry.

Time felt like it was so slow, I ran but it felt like I was wading through water.

I ran again, my hands burned and I shoved them into the snow before sprinting up the stairs, Aadan and Mineave were stuck, she in helping him, and him under a stone.

I heard more screams, and it was as if the sky had turned red the flames had grown so high. 

In the next second I was over with the two healers, my hands on the blissfully cold stonr and lifted it. Mineave was stronger than I thought, she dragged the older man out in a second.

I had started to feel dizzy, my hands hurt and my eyes burned.

I stumbled out of the smoke and into a group of Venatori. Their swords and staves pointed at another member of the inquisition. I swung at their backs in the next second.

Threnn blinked in suprise but quickly took advantage of the situation and ended the shocked men.

She ran to the chantry without my urging, her eyes on the the sky.

The dragon was back, soaring above haven and spitting down on us.

I looked back over the small village, and all I could see was flames.

"Herald! Get in the chantry!" Cullen called out but I could still hear fighting, I would stay sentinel until my companions returned.

My shoulder ached and my axe felt heavier than normal, how much longer could I last really?

It didn't take long though, Bull came racing past with an injured woman in his arms. Vivienne was just behind him with a man slumped on her shoulder. 

In the next moment Cassandra and Varric were running up the stairs with Dorian and Chancelor Roderick on his arm.

"I think we're the last, but..." I glanced at Cassandra, we had to close the chantry at some point or else.

"Herald!" Cullen called and this time I went, my eyes burning with the flames and tears. There was no way to know who we lost until this was over.

I heard a scuffle and saw Roderick had fallen into Dorian's arms and was being brought a chair.

I jogged over, catching the end of Dorian and Cullen's conversation.

"A brave man, protected people my standing against the Venatori." My respect for the stuffy man went up a touch and I placed a hand on my commanders shoulder.

His eyes looked like he had no hope, as if there was no way of winning. 

"Herald, we're not in a good place here. That dragon took all the advantage back." He sighed deeply before quietly continuing. "There has been no communication, no demands, only attacks."

He looked at the people in the chantry, the small building barely holding all of them. I caught sight of all my friends, good they made it out.

I heard footsteps and saw Dorian making his way over. His eyes hard.

"He didn't bargain with the rebel mages either. This Elder One takes what it wants at least from what it gathered at Redcliffe. It marched all this way for the Herald."

I was shocked, it did all of this for me? 

"If it would stop this he could have me." There was a few gasps but more of a pressure. I felt eyes on me and Cullen looked like he would have an anuresim.

Dorian chuckled though, "An assassin might just take you up on that, but I doubt this army would just stop. If only the trebushets were still an option, that avalanche was such a good start."

I watched as Cullen's expression changed in that second, wheels turning in his mind. "If we turn the last one to the m mountains above us, they still are."

My mind spun now, he wanted me to turn the last one back on my own people?

"We would be over run, and I'd bury haven Cullen." He spun on me, eyes fierce.

"This isn't about survival anymore, it's about ending it on our terms." He stood his ground, and I mine. 

"That's just not okay! I didn't race all the way here just to have you drop rocks on our heads!" Dorian almost yelled, getting attention from the villagers, their fearful gazes lingered longer on us and there was much more restless movement.

"Should we submit! Let him kill all of us!" This time Cullen was the one near yelling, I wanted to jump in but all I could do was pour more oil onto the fire.

"Stop please, the villagers." I tried to make it quiet, my hands on their shoulders and eyes flicking between both of them. I saw Bull making his way over and tried to settle everyone.

"Wait, there is a way out. A small path you wouldn't know was there unless you made the pilgrimage. The people can escape, Andraste must have shown me!" Hope. Chancelor Roderick had given me hope, and this was the only hope haven had.

"Cullen, will it work?" He gave a long look, thinking it out, before nodding.

"It could, but how will you get out?" I looked away, there was no way I could get out. This was suicide. "You might just surprise it yet! Inquisition, follow the chancellor thought the chantry!"

They started to usher the weakened older man through but he caught my arm on his way past.

"If you are meant for this, if any of this is meant to be, I will pray for you." His grip was strong and his voice was firm, he was ready to die for this, and so was I. 

For a while I didn't move I let the people escape the crowded chantry and rush into the passage out. My breathing depened as I closed my eyes for a moment. 

I nearly screamed when a large hand clapped me on my shoulder. Bull was behind me with Varric and Cassandra in tow.

I was ready to die for this, but I didn't want them to go down with me. 

"Go with Cullen, get out of haven." I tried to keep the warble out of my voice, but wasn't quite successful.

"We're going with you." Varric spoke in a definite tone, as if I couldn't argue.

"When I tell you to leave, don't ask, just please promise when I tell you to go... go." I stared at my friends, pleading with every thing I could.

They all had lives here, I didn't.

"Girly..."

"Promise me!"

They stared back, eyes hard. I stood my ground though, there was no way I could let any of them do this.

Cassandra nodded first, her tense stance did not relax though. Varric's face contorted for a moment before locking his gaze onto mine once more.

"Fine." I sighed and glanced at The Iron Bull. His face was indecipherable, but he was tense that I could tell.

"Boss, I don't like this." I didn't really either, but I had to be firm.

"You don't need to like it. Please tell me you'll leave when I tell you." I spoke firm and strong enough to convince myself.

He nodded, back straight and eye staring flames into my own.

He looked like a man ready to break down the gates of hell. I turned back to the doors and pushed open the door into haven.

Flames engulfed almost every building, tarring the night sky with the smoke. I held my hand to my mouth trying to stop the smoke burning my throat, this was a catastrophe, in an hour all of this would be gone.

I dashed out of the chantry, my feet guiding my way to the last trebushet inside the gates. There were bodies everywhere, I caught the empty gaze of a villager and stumbled. 

This was my fault.

I righted myself and kept on the broken path. The bar was in rubble alongside the houses of the people that once lived there. 

I felt a hand on my shoulder, I snapped my head back to where I knew we needed to go. I couldn't stop looking though. 

I let out a groan when I saw our last option surrounded by more Venatori. Bolts flew through the air before I even moved and Cassandra had charged.

I glanced back to Bull, his eye hard and staring right into mine.

I wanted to kiss the man. This would be my last chance to, but the sounds of battle broke the string of courage.

I charged to the wheel that aimed the trebushet and started to crank away at it. 

I heard the battle but I was in another world. I needed to do this, fix it some how and at one point I had to do it alone. But when was that moment.

I heard yells from my companions, and a slam from right behind me. I glanced and saw Bulls axe deep in a man feet from me.

The battle wasn't letting up. 

I went back to cranking, trying my best to go as fast as I could. 

I felt tears fall down my cheeks. There was no way I could fix this mess. 

I glanced at the sky, no stars shone through the thick clouds of smoke, but red flares from the dragon erupted like lightning in a storm.

I went back to aiming the machine. My arms tired, but still able.

I cried out and froze on the wheel when an arrow pierced my back, I was slumped over the thing, fiery pain laced through my right arm when I pulled my self back up.

I felt small hands fumbling for the arrow in my back and cried out, but I nearly screamed when it was quickly ripped out. 

I didn't hear anything but the blood pumping in my ears. All I felt was the raw pulse of my shoulder as i started to turn the trebushet again.

I didn't see anything but the wheel for a moment, dizzy and blurred as it was. I heard my mother's voice.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I heard a crash, and was snapped back to the battle. The farther exit to the trebushet had collapsed, which ment no more Venatori could come at me.

"Get out of here!" I screamed at my friends. They all stared at me and didn't move a muscle. "You all promised. Get back to the chantry, get out of Haven!"

My voice was strained and ripped at my throat when I yelled. It broke with emotion and trembled with fear, but I would not be dissuaded.

Cassandra and Varric nodded, their faces hard and eyes downcast, but The Iron Bull stood tall and resolute.

"Come back to us." It was quiet but firm. I nodded, but had no real hope of actually fulfilling his request. He stood for a second longer, burning eye and hard expression then turned and ran.

I was alone now.

I let the tears fall and cranked the wheel through my pain. I would save the people of haven even if I couldn't have saved haven itself.

I gritted my teeth through the icy pain and cranked. 

Eventually the machine clicked, having turned the full 180 to face back to the mountain we were on. Now all I had to do was wait. 

I turned to look back at the sky and the village I wrecked. The black smoke covered the scar with another, and the dragon kept spurting it's red.

I watched in a daze as the dragon spat it's fiery blast closer and closer to me, until it was on an intercept course with me.

I'm sure I swore when I dove out of the way, and I know I did when I landed on the icy ground. I looked frantically back to the trebushet, but it was still towering into the sky.

A huge tremor shook the earth and sent another wave of dizziness and pain through me, along with a deep dread. Did it destroy the trebushet this time?

I pulled myself to a kneel and glanced up to see the dragon feet from me. 

I let out a shriek and scrambled as fast as I could away, but it's tail whipped around to my back stopping me.

"Enough!" A deep inhuman voice echoed over the din of haven burning, my eyes locked onto a monster, claws and bones and red lyrium sprouting out of it. "You are a pretender who plays with forces beyond you."

"What-who are you? Why did you do this?" My voice broke and was probably an octave higher than normal.

This was the elder one, that was all it could be. The creature let out a low humorless chuckle before staring into my eyes with such loathing I tried to scoot farther back into the dragons tail but went no where.

"Mortals always beg for a truth they can not know. It is beyond what you are, what I was. Know this is what you pretended to be, exalt the elder one! The will that is Corypheus!" 

The creature stepped closer to me as he spoke, it's deep voice almost monotone but still very menacing.

"You will kneel." It was low and quiet, and in the next second he raised his hand and activated my mark. 

I screamed my throat raw, it felt like I was back at the Breach, knee deep in to it.

It let up in the next second. My breath came out in ragged pants as I tried to stand.

"Why are you doing this?" It was shaky but it got the monster to look at me.

"I am here for the anchor. The process of removing it starts now." It creature didn't even give me a second before ripping away at my hand.

There was a tether just like when I close rifts, I could feel something from it trying to tear the mark out of my hand. It felt like it was trying to tear the veins out of me.

He kept pulling and pulling at my hand, but it was like trying to tear the sun out of the sky. All I heard was my blood pumping and the crackle of the mark. 

When he let it go I didn't know how long he actually had me tethered but it felt like hours. My throat felt it was bleeding from how raw it felt.

I glanced back down to the mark, it looked like the first day I was here, sparks arked out of it and lit up the area in an eerie green.

The creature was speaking but I was only getting some of his words, I was so dizzy and all I could really hear was my blood.

His words started to come back into clarity after a while. I tried to focus on them, to try to ground myself back in the world.

"I crafted it to assault the very heaven's, and you have the gall to use it to undo my work." I stared at thing, it's pale eyes flames in it's stretched face.

"What was this thing supposed to do?" I yelled back at 'Corypheus' finally getting to my feet again. If there was anyway I could pull our plan off I needed to keep it busy for a while longer.

"To bring certainty where there is none." I stared at the creature, not expecting it to speak back to me let alone actually answer my question, even if I didn't understand the answer.

"I once breached the fade in the name of another, to serve Dumat in his tell. But what I was was chaos and corruption." He surged forward and snatched the hand that held the mark.

I was frozen as he lifted me into the air by that arm.

My body screamed in pain, the arrow wound throbbed on the other side. My left arm felt like it was being pulled out of its socket.

"I spent a thousand years confused, but no more." Corypheus brought me to it's face, the skin on it stretched thin and was a grey that only the long dead possessed.

"I have gathered the will to return under no name but my own, to correct this blighted world. Beg that I succeed, I have seen the throne of the gods, and it is empty."

It stared at my hand for a moment before it's face twisted in disgust. 

I was flying in the next second, Corypheus had tossed me like a worn out glove. I slammed into something flat and vertical, sending more electrical pain through my back.

I gasped, trying to catch my breath and get my bearings. I was right next to the trigger for the trebushet, now I just had to wait until I saw the signal.

I grabbed onto the sides of the mechanism and my hand nearly knocked over a sword that had been left. I grabbed it and looked back to Corypheus.

The monster stood so that the fires of haven were behind him, and the mountain behind them.

A breeze had started to blow, taking some of the smoke from the sky giving some small glimpses of stars and the Breach scars.

"The anchor is permanent. You have spoiled it with your meddling. I will start again to find a way to give this world the nation and god it deserves." It's terrible voice boomed as it started to inch closer again.

My eyes were locked above it though. Through the wind and smoke I saw a flare shoot into the sky from the other side of the mountain. 

They made it.

"And you, I will not tolerate a rival, even an unknowing one." I grimaced and glared back at it. I raked my eyes over the trigger mechanism, trying to figure out how to shoot it off.

I saw how it would move and I snapped my head back to Corypheus. 

"You expect me to just surrender and die? I will not, we will not! You will face us again, but on our terms." I kicked the trigger and bolted. I didn't look back, my body went on auto pilot.

I heard the dragon shriek and the slow growing roar of the snow. I felt the ground start to shake and just get stronger.

I was stumbling, my vision blurred again and in one second I was falling into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for your kind words and kudos! I'm so sorry this chapter took so long, I've recently gotten a new job with completely different hours, so I've been trying to fit writing back in to my everyday. I hope you guys enjoyed!


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